| Like a lamb (i)
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unknown
| I like touching things that crumble, | 1 |
I think that includes you. | 2 |
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A wave can break a castle | 3 |
and broken, | 4 |
you are mine. | 5 |
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Folding softly into my arms, | 6 |
believing blindly | 7 |
in things no-one cannot see. | 8 |
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Like laundry warmly pressed, | 9 |
I shape you. | 10 |
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What you don't know | 11 |
hurts you all the more. | 12 |
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For all the pain to come, | 13 |
I am sorry, | 14 |
when nature has nothing left | 15 |
but history. | 16 |
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And it's true, | 17 |
this is the end. | 18 |
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3 Mar 06 |
Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 8, 8
(define the words in this poem)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
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Add A Comment:
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Comments:
There is some good imagery here. There could be less "you's" throughout the poem. L12- a lot
— Mai
Would prefer "such as you" in line 2 instead of "things like you." Why? Because you've already objectified your subject, no need for overkill. I would prefer a less predictable adverb in line 6. I think this has the makings of a breathtaking poem.
Grace
— borntodance
yeah im having problems of the same kind with something i am writing just now. Too much focus on the "person not the poet" to quote a critic of mine. I agree completetly though, this will be a beautiful poem on completion
— SolCarloman
a lot is two words.
— unknown
Apart from L3 the piece lacks imagery, the majority of the piece talks about how the speaker feels, not that there's anything wrong with that but it's not engaging enough to keep the reader's attention. I would consider reworking the first two lines, the beginning needs to be stronger, "things that crumble" can mean anything, why not find an interesting image to reflect that emotion?
I think that your piece has a lot of potential, it just needs some thoughtful tweeking, good luck with your endeavors!
— redsky
I like the conflicting crits!
Mai- There is some good imagery here.
redsky- Apart from L3 the piece lacks imagery.
I like to have conflicting opinions, it makes me think for myself. I've tried to put some more imagery in, I don't know if it works…
unknown- I seriously never knew 'a lot' was two words! You learn something everyday.
This still needs 'a lot' (look, I'm reformed!) of work. What else needs changing?
— unknown
It still lacks something, something elusive…
— unknown
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