| mandarine-colored skies
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sparrow
| It was the coldest winter in seventy-four years, they said, | 1 |
and I cannot remember ever having seen so much snow | 2 |
dancing outside my window. | 3 |
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The smooth, silky rustling of northern winds | 4 |
awoke me in early hours. | 5 |
The sun was sleeping still and I beheld | 6 |
the softness of clouds silently slipping down | 7 |
to cover the earth in warm, white blankets. | 8 |
Then, just for a moment, | 9 |
the thought that everything in the world could find | 10 |
most inner peace | 11 |
was reflected in the mandarine-colored skies. | 12 |
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It would be nice if s.o. could comment on the punctuation here, I'm not quite sure if I've placed everything ideally. |
5 Mar 06 |
Rated 9 (8.3) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8, 9
Inactive (4): 7, 8, 9
(define the words in this poem)
(45 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
Just a few suggestions.
L1- perhaps end it with a period and then start L2 with I, just ommiting and.
L6- move the comma from the end to after 'still'
L10- Personally, I would remove most and put it on L9
I loved this poem, and the former suggestions are just some things that I thought would help it, but it's just one person's opinion. This is lovely. (8)
— fallinforyou
To clarify, I meant move L10 to L9 without most being in there at all.
— fallinforyou
thanks for the comment fallinforyou!
I agree with most of it though I'm not quite sure if ommiting "and" in line2 and "most" in line9 could do harm to the flow of the poem...
— sparrow
Loveliness. Lose the comma after peace ( line 11). You could tighten lines 9-12. ( quite a few unnecessary clutter words).
Lines 1-3 are beautiful. I don't think you require "down" in line 7. A special mood is caught here, languid but sirring.
(9)
— borntodance
thanks for you comment borntodance!
just one question:
which words would you omit in lines 9-12? I'm not quite sure, "everything in the world"? or something else? again, i want to prevent disturbing the "flow":-)
— sparrow
very pretty poem, sparrow.
fitting for this cold, cotton february.
(i don't believe mandarin has an 'e' on the end, and if i'm missing something, and it is correct, i would remove it anyway for the sake of eye-candy).
thanks
=-)
— jenakajoffer
The first stanza is perfect! Draws you in hard.
I don't see in any punctuation errors. But I'm no expert.
Very nice
— Estrella
Fine lyrical work
— larrylark
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