| The Gravitational Pull of Apples
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Dheroan
| Eyes at wombat level, | 1 |
giraffe strides and | 2 |
equine swiftness. | 3 |
All eyes on me | 4 |
because | 5 |
my chest demands | 6 |
it. | 7 |
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Sibilant curses intrude on my | 8 |
self-imposed aphasia | 9 |
(sssslut). | 10 |
Viscous drool slides from the | 11 |
wolf-grins of | 12 |
would-be | 13 |
hunters, | 14 |
but gravity is | 15 |
two | 16 |
burdens on my heart. | 17 |
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If not for their mole-vision and | 18 |
faulty | 19 |
depth | 20 |
perception, | 21 |
they would see that | 22 |
I am a | 23 |
lioness | 24 |
posing as a | 25 |
kitten. | 26 |
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6 Mar 06 |
Rated 9 (8.4) by 3 users.
Active (3): 8, 10
Inactive (12): 2, 5, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(28 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
This poem recognizes its power and the power of its creator. Excellent!
— borntodance
very French. I like.
— crepaway
I can relate! it's not easy, i know.
— livedeeply
Thanks for the comments and rating! Had to get this one off my chest... x)
<3
— Dheroan
*groan*
— unknown
But refreshingly witty!
— winter
I love the content but I dislike the title, it dumbs down the message. I know that the piece is meant to be light-hearted but I think that this piece deserves a better title (just suggestion of course!) Nonetheless, I enjoyed reading your poem! ;-)
— redsky
me like.
— sodapop
Excellent.
— CervusWright
this is great....i definately know what you mean
i especially like that you are the one in power
— rubytuesday
Thanks a tonne for your comments and ratings! =)
Redsky - The purpose of using colloqiual language in the title was to demonstrate the superficiality and idiocy of 'they' who would judge an individual based solely on appearance. As much as I despise informal/stereotypical language myself, it suited my purpose for this title. It further enhances my message in that while the title is brazen and superficial in itself, the actual subject content of the poem is far more profound and holds a fair amount of social commentary.
— Dheroan
typo on viscous?
vicious?
LOL
just kidding
— unknown
you have used my favorite word "aphasia" in a poem I can completely relate to. Great visuals.
— WontTellYou
Yeah I like the word 'aphasia' too, knew I had to work it into at least one of my pieces. =)
Thank you to everyone for the wonderful ratings!
— Dheroan
cute.
— Meep
If anyone's a slut, then it's the "wolves," as you say. Great poem. I'm thankful I'm a wolf that's respectful. My mother raised me that way though.
— starr
wow!!!!!!!!! crazy stuff
— HunnyBunch51
Haha, I can't say I relate. Rather that's a blessing, or a different kind of curse, well I suppose that's subjective. I have to say I love the piece, though.
— fallinforyou
More great comments, I'm running out of thank you lines, lol.
Funny how you get random 3s and 5s for no apparent reason and with no justification. O_O
— Dheroan
Don't you hate that?
— fallinforyou
As an attack on superficiality it is cute and dryly clever, but a mish-mash thrown together piece of work.
The line breaks are totally random, the animal allusions become (painfully) obvious as the poem goes on and the title is a bit sensationalistic. (ie, does it really need two titles?)
Someone who wants you to achieve your poetic potential (unrated).
— unknown
PS The sooner you stop giving a shit about ratings, the better off you are here. Trust me.
— unknown
Thank you for your constructive criticism Unknown, but I think you should know that none of my work is ‘mish-mash thrown together’. This piece was carefully planned and every line is deliberate, as are the line breaks. The seemingly random (to some) line breaks emphasise key theses of this piece and words containing double-entendres, for example ‘it.’ (L7) and ‘they would see that’ (L22). ‘It’ is a double-entendre and ‘they would see that’ draws attention to the social commentary of blindness as a manifestation of superficiality.
The purpose of the consistent and repetitious animal allusions was to present a hyperbolic characterisation of humans in general. This highlights that we are, essentially, animals and our behaviour often reflects that we are of lesser intellectual capacity than other species. It was intended to be excessive. The reason for the dual title is similar in that it is a deliberately exaggerated use of colloquial language.
Thank you again, I will consider your suggestions and revise this piece accordingly, but am uncertain as to whether or not I will alter it as of yet.
P.S. – I’ve been here a long time and have seen many of my pieces receive what I believed to be undeservedly low ratings as a result of ignorance or misunderstanding. It doesn’t so much bother me as it does amuse me.
— Dheroan
Boobs bring out the best in people.
— Him
And people like you bring out the worst.
— fallinforyou
ROWR!
— unknown
i like it a lot....but I have to agree with redsky even if it supposed to demostrate people who judge soley on appearance. I think you could choose a less idiot title and still get that message across
— greeneyedgrl
yes, change the tit-
le
;)
— unknown
i love you
— TheYoungCrow
and your big tits
— TheYoungCrow
And we love your big dick, young crow.
— unknown
GARBAGE!
— unknown
TheYoungCrow - <3
As for all the title-bashers, I will consider altering the title, but for now I find it appropriate. If I come up with something better it's possible that I will change it.
— Dheroan
hehehe, i HAD to read this after seeing the title, i can also relate!! i plan to have a reduction myself.
— Ink_drinker
lol - thanks Ink, glad you liked it. =)
— Dheroan
I like your poem, Dheroan.
aphasia--;-) very cool.
I enjoy the scope.
— Krttika
Hmm, I agree with all the title-haters, but not necessarily for the same reason.
I don't care if you keep the wording almost identical, the idea is to keep an entire poem in the same voice. It seems like a busty bar wench is saying the title, and then a vixen in the crowd for the rest of it. I recommend bringing the title up to the level of eloquence you have achieved in the rest of this work. It's an excellent poem.
[Teo]
— unknown
I agree with Teo, the poem itself is great. The title...no so much.
-Mary
— unknown
Teo and Mary - that was sort of the purpose of the title, to sound like that and contrast with the body of the work, as you'll see was discussed earlier.
However, I'm currently revising the title and may alter it in the near future.
— Dheroan
Yes title bashers, I finally changed it!
— Dheroan
too little, too late
— unknown
lol. Well, there's one opinion...
— Dheroan
wow, I didn't think that I was title bashing just giving my opinion and making a suggestion. If you took it as title bashing please know that was never my intent . . . still I'm glad you came to your senses. ;-)
— redsky
lol - well, I did think the first title suited my purposes just as well... But I suppose this one has a more symbolic edge.
— Dheroan
please don't ever say lol. EVER! it makes you sound like a ditz with no life/brain.
— unknown
Wow. Now I'm being told what abbreviations to use.
lol?
— Dheroan
just got this on the random function - the (new) title is brilliant! and clever. as is the rest, very enjoyable :)
— oracle
this is great. i was drawn-in by the great title, but an equally compelling poem.
— sarahjoie
LOVE IT!!!!
great poem great title,just....great
— Cherish
Thanks for the positive comments!
— Dheroan
It took me all this time to digest this, seeds and all.
I should send this to my well-appled daughter.
— Isabelle5
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