| silent cacophonies
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stateofmind
| listen, i | 1 |
can feel your heart beat through your fingertips | 2 |
(which you so subtly situated alongside my palm) | 3 |
listen, i | 4 |
can hear your pulse pause every time i make a sudden move | 5 |
can hear your lungs retch at every sudden turn | 6 |
(taking advantage, of course, of the opportunity to so delicately | 7 |
press your corpse against mine) | 8 |
listen, i | 9 |
'm in no state of delirium, i | 10 |
(pay no attention to the warning signs) | 11 |
know this is no mirage, but | 12 |
maybe you should convince me otherwise | 13 |
listen, i | 14 |
know you can still taste my last cigarette, i | 15 |
can see past your sapphire eyes | 16 |
(which have made a habit of aversion) | 17 |
can feel your breath against my neck | 18 |
can feel you steadily inching closer | 19 |
(just tell me i'm delusional) | 20 |
(that you're just reaching for your sweater) | 21 |
listen, are | 22 |
you listening? | 23 |
i haven't said a word. | 24 |
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7 Mar 06 |
Rated 6 (6) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (0): 6
(define the words in this poem)
(8 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
i really like 21-23. The word corpse, even though its supposed to have that erie effect, just doesnt work. l also like the "listen i" thing... however some parts are confusing, especially up through 6, they dont really make sence with the rest of the poem. Anyhow, overall i think its pretty good.
— topop
I love the last three lines, as well. And agree with the statement that the first 6 don't make a whole lot of sense. At least to me. I like the use of parenthesis (sp?) And I like the line breaks. A good poem.
— fallinforyou
mind blowing.
amazing work.
— unknown
i don't see what doesn't make sense about the first few lines. they're subtle signs of affection. i don't know if affection is the best word choice but i'm sure you know what i mean. the poem's about an unspoken relationship. i can completely see how l1-6 tie in with the rest of the poem.
the use of corpse, i think, isn't meant to have that eeriee effect. it's meant to make a point about the person the speaker is talking to.
also, maybe on l11-12 you could make a little change to it. like this:
know this is no mirage, but
maybe you should convince me otherwise
i think that would be consistent with the 'listen, i' thing you got goin.
— unknown
Alright, I took your advice and changed l11-12. Thank youu.
Any more suggestions?
— stateofmind
i think lines 1-6 set the poem because they are actions,......and at the end of the poem the whole "because i haven't said a word" sets the mood of actions speak louder to words, well it does to me anyway. if it weren't for lines 1-6 i dont think the poem would make sense at all?
— crismonblue
Wondering whether or not I should get rid of the 'because' in l24. Thoughts?
— stateofmind
yes, i think you should remove it. as is, you're reasoning rather that stating; by removing the "because" it strengthens the last line.
— redsky
Excellent, thanks for your thoughts.
— stateofmind
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