| half past winter
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bettalpha
| this morning a snowdrop bloomed on my balcony | 1 |
the inception of day articulating its perfume | 2 |
a light breeze moving the curtain | 3 |
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on the river a narrowboat slipped by | 4 |
a family of mallard following in its wake | 5 |
as fishermen tightened their lines | 6 |
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I found beauty in a man walking his dog | 7 |
as I discreetly took a photograph | 8 |
of another stereotype | 9 |
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sliding an old shirt on as I would his spirit | 10 |
just a touch of brilliance on my lips | 11 |
spring in my step | 12 |
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7 Mar 06 |
Rated 7 (8.2) by 6 users.
Active (6): 8, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (17): 1, 1, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(104 more poems by this author)
(4 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
Excellent.
— CervusWright
i love you
— TheYoungCrow
this is good do not change it
— noodleman
heh/ its you i shoulda known
— noodleman
woulda given a 10 to hitler if he wrote this lovely poem
— noodleman
.
and then i woulda shot the bastard
— noodleman
.
in his one remaining bullock
— noodleman
thank you for all your words.
i was worried about the 6 7 switch
— bettalpha
Like it. A lot.
Is Mandrake in 5 at all related to the sex a mandrake can imply? Y'know - mandrakes grew from the penis of a hanged man..
— WordsAndMe
I love this. Is mandrake a duck species or a plant? I never heard of a bird called a mandrake but I am not an ornithologist! Lines 10-11 are so gentle.
— Isabelle5
very lovely images, each one directing the reader to the sense of emotion and the great close to this poem. one of the best I've read since signing on to this site.
Jo
— NoWayJo
mandrake is a root which looks like people.
with much history associated with it as words-and-me says
drake is a male duck
still. i don't know what i was thinking. i meant mallard.
i could ride the error and
talk about the how the mandrake root often ends up in rivers
like twisted little people caught up in a tangle of river weeds
make some small edits: remove family and go with that image?
or simply change mandrake to mallard?
even though the ll is not the sound i wanted
even though the assonance compliments fo[ll]owing
does it matter if i don't have a weighted word in 5?
is there another waterbird species that may fit better?
my thoughts so far are:
on the water a barge boat slipped by 4
mandrake and riverweed following in wake 5
as fishermen tightened their lines 6
or
on the river a barge boat slipped by 4
a family of mallard following in its wake 5
as fishermen tightened their lines 6
thanks for the loan of your eyes izabelle and words are me
further thoughts welcome.
psst. semen not penis weren't it 'w-a-m'. hehe.
a poem in itself there. bet netsky could push mandrake to its limit.
— bettalpha
thank you for your words nowayjo.
— bettalpha
But what is a "snowdrop"? And what fragrance has a snowdrop, or snowflake or other form of slush?
"barge boat" is redudant.
"On the river a barge slipped by"
— netskyIam
reduNdant.
my eyes!
— netskyIam
"psst. semen not penis weren't it 'w-a-m'. hehe.
a poem in itself there. bet netsky could push mandrake to its limit.
– bettalpha "
oh, my ears were blushing, bled today
by a huge mandingo dick I heard.
I really should not put large wands
where nature never intended.
Mandrake was also a Magician.
I wonder what he had in his
hat? Held discretely at his waist.
It was one of those old-time stove pipe hats.
I wonder about myself.
I don't think "mandrakes" follow barges.
But if the barge were metaphor for
something larger? I might not duck
it.
---silly reid---
— netskyIam
i.LuV.tHis.
— EDDIELUVER
light and airy... like the season that you are trying to convey... nice and crisp.
— aforbing
Where are your poems EDDIELUVER?
— unknown
Anyone watching the Friday Night Games??
— unknown
netsky. you spoilt my surprise.
i was going to suggest 'mandrake'
as a theme for redsky's theme challenge.
snowdrop is a flower. it's scent is light.
do they only grow in britain?
barge colloquially [britain] refers to a cargo boat
as opposed to a houseboat [barge boat]
i changed barge boat to narrow boat.
to keep the british feel and avoid
confusion and redundancy.
thank you for your words hon.
— bettalpha
thank you all for your words.
it's still friday morning here.
— bettalpha
i forgot. netsky.
i'm still waiting for feedback on mandrake
see my comments further up.
— bettalpha
Well done. A nice feel to this one, though I think some punctuation would enhance it. Several times I felt as if the line transitions could have been helped by a period or comma. Still, this was a quite enjoyable snapshot.
— ThomasGoss
i went with mallard for the time being
— bettalpha
things:
image-wise, it's very pleasing; almost haiku-like in the grasp of a moment and letting it go. i am still on the fence about whether or not i like the lack of punctuation in this poem. in the first stanza it seems to make sense since every line is like an individual brush stroke to a large painting -- but the next two stanzas are continued thoughts within the lines, so it makes a bit less sense to have no punctuation there.
title: why?
other things:
my thoughts so far are:
on the water a barge boat slipped by 4
mandrake and riverweed following in wake 5
as fishermen tightened their lines 6
or
on the river a barge boat slipped by 4
a family of mallard following in its wake 5
as fishermen tightened their lines 6
honestly, i think the first one makes more sense in context of the poem and its imagery, but L5 would be far too cluttered with syllables. cutting down/out 'riverweeds' and fiddling around with that line might provide a better idea of what you can do, since i don't like the idea of leaving mandrakes behind.
but before you do any more editing, i suggest you just let this poem sit for awhile and see what happens when you come back to it.
— youthculture
when i came back today
i saw something happen
think about the title again yc
and thank you for your suggest words
— bettalpha
love
— tragicbubble
Lovely. This is pure and simple and beautiful. I love lines 7-9, I'm guilty of such things myself. Wonderful. (10)
-Mary
— fallinforyou
I like this poem alot except for the word discreetly which seemed out of place. Other than that Good poem.
— Tentative
Nothing top say. Just read this piece and dream.
— dia
should mallard be pluralized? or is that the feel you were going for?
I like htis much.
— underdog
Wonderful title!!
— JustineCH
wow, I very much like this poem. nicely done.
— theair
it sounds like a super-long haiku, in that it is very simple, and says a great deal in just a few words.
— unknown
Absolutely wonderfully observed, serene poem.
Larry
— larrylark
Good poem, very fundamentally sound.
— propoet50
This doesn't do it for me. I like the title. How about snowflake blossomed the balcony? I think of Winter ending with wet snow. I think instead of perfume , scent would go better with inception for the short vowel e repetition. Who is in the narrow boat? Is no one in it? Are the fishermen in the boat or on the shore? "beauty" the word is overused. Why is the man walking his dog a stereotype? I really like that last stanza. It really works for me, the sense of loss and comfort. I think this poem truly has the potential to be amazing in my estimation. I would try to model some on Eastern poetry, but be careful not to be derivative. you have too much that is good going on here and you don't want to lose the originality.
Lucy
— mnemosyne
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