poetry critical : poem

only i can have karma in my dreams

i had a dream where	1
i was wielding a sawn	2
off shot gun.	3
i pointed it at a man	4
and said,	5

"i know you are	6
wearing a vest,	7
but lets see if this	8
shot gun can knock	9
you on your ass."	10

then my dream changed	11
settings and i was in a different	12
place and a different time	13

i got jumped by five men and they	14
beat the living shit out of me.	15

i then woke up,	16
found a baseball bat	17
and jumped a man	18
and broke his knee caps.	19

after i was 8 dollars	20
and seventy-three cents	21
richer my neighbor's dog,	22
snowball, bit off my left testicle.	23

my only thought was:	24

i should have taken psychology.	25

9 Mar 06

Rated 1 (7) by 1 users.

Active (1):
Inactive (3): 1, 6, 8, 8

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Comments:

This is not poetic at all. It sounds like you'd be telling it to me over fast food...if you get my drift.
— unknown

urm, yea i guess i do get your drift. so is this one of those things i should just delete and rewrite it?
— bear

entertaining
— starwars

line 10 doesn't make sense.
— aesthetic

take the the are out of line 10....its a fun one....i like it, its edgy and short....although not exactly high art.....good stuff lil bro.

~sister bear
— unknown

i made the change. thanks.
— bear

I like it but I would have peffered some flow in it and maybe an effort at rhyme.
— gingerdave

this made me chuckle, probably because i'm taking psychology.
— yrrockstar

thank you
— bear

hahahaah
this made me laugh

not poetic though
— nicolecote

I admire your use of expression in which words have been concentrated blending sound and imagery to create an emotional response.
— Meep

thanks nicolecote, i try.

Thanks Meep! if i didn't know better i'd say you were calling this poetry.
— bear

SAWN off, SAWN off, SAWN OFF!

I love.
— wendz

thanks wendz, made the change
— bear

so who's the mother fucker that gave me a one?
— bear

i like this.
— Anna-Erb

im glad u like this
— bear

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