| underneath a full moon, fluttering heart
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peanut
| the subtle way that tulips | 1 |
fold together in the darkness. | 2 |
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11 Mar 06 |
Rated 1 (7.4) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (9): 2, 3, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(28 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
Oh, please write more.
— claudia
The only thing I suggest is capitalizing the first line.
— fallinforyou
it's a pretty image but 1. do tulips fold together in darkness? I know other varieties of flowers to--(morning glories for instance), but I don't think tulips do and 2. if you were going for the tulips/two lips thing, I just think it comes off well in this poem. it almost feels too contrived and even a little humorous in my head rather than what you are trying to project...especially since tulips don't fold in their petals by night.
hope this has been helpful...
Jo
— NoWayJo
just to say the comment posted before I had a chance to review the tulips/two lips DOESN'T come off well in this poem. I would further suggest that you revise to simply "two lips" and the image is all there and follows the title beautifully, though I love to see this expanded.
Jo
— NoWayJo
YAH!!!... this is showing the bastards how to do it. Fantastic!!!! Top stuff.
— gingerdave
wow! what a line!
awesome!
— lyom
I'm in two minds - I like the wordplay - i like the duality of the image - I like the softness, but the word 'subtle' is redundant - have you thought of trying it without, or at least a less 'contrived' adjective? and also 'It's the subtle way ....'that causes what ? - 'It's'creates a need for something more - I'd dispose of that too - a little more work and a true little gem will emerge.
— opal
so
way the tulips
fold together in darkness
is that what you suggest opal?
-not the author-
— unknown
that's a bit minimal, even for me unknown not the author :) - I don't like rewriting people's work, but something like 'Notice' or 'Note the way that tulips/ fold together in the darkness' - a bit more of a focus on the tulips and less on the other bits maybe,
— opal
i like the rhythm with "subtle" in there. "the way that tulips (or two lips [which i think is being terribly obvious and unfair]) fold together in the darkness" doesn't flow quite like "the subtle way that tulips fold together in the darkness"
i'm open to using a different adjective, but i can't think of any at the moment and i like the image of it being "subtle".
i actually have a vase of tulips in my room and although they do not open very wide, they do close up a little when the sun goes down. but that could just be my imagination.
one suggestion i'm not going to take is capitalizing the first line. it really isn't necessary and it's not my style. but thank you for the comment.
i don't quite see the need for a cause here. however i am comfortable with taking "it's" out of the poem completely.
--the author
— peanut
Very nice imagry.
— unknown
try couplet
— unknown
I admire how your presentation of a concrete image contrasts the theme of fluttering.
— Meep
I love this, the imagery is quite striking in a very "subtle" way. But besides using "subtle" have you thought of: the timid way that tulips
; &nbs p; &nb sp; &n bsp; fold together in the darkness.
timid sort of refers back to the fluttering heart, and that feeling of nervousness of a first kiss (at least that what I felt when I read the piece), you may want to consider or not. Nonetheless, it's a great piece. thanx.
— redsky
hmm...
i like "timid" but that words tends to make me think of shy. i do not think that tulips are shy. and i want the kiss to be a subtle, simple beauty. but i don't want to say "the simple way that tulips fold together in the darkness"...or maybe that would work. any thoughts on "simple" for "subtle"? i prefer "subtle" and i don't understand the aversion to the word.
— peanut
I would prefer "simple" to "subtle"
— unknown
but why?
— peanut
i'd get rid of either 'that' or 'the' [line 2].
— unknown
very clever! great piece!
— livedeeply
"the subtle way that tulips fold together in darkness"
hmm...
it seems as if it needs an unstressed syllable after "in," but that could just be my familiarity with the piece skewing my judgement on the way it sounds.
— peanut
this is nice.
just my tuppence.
but i read the version without 'the' at the foot of the comments
before the version posted.
on a flat read i like it without 'the'
on the posted read [over two lines] i like it with 'the'
i think the line breaks distort emphasis
and changes the need to either include, or not include the.
if you see what i mean.
shrug.
kaleidazcope
— unknown
My prophetic insight says someone is going to come and knock this off of the top rated list, and soon....
As for me, it doesn't... do it exactly.
It seems too easy. I see no 'beauty'
-ramher
— unknown
oh, come on.
let me have my moment of glory.
i've been part of poetry critical for almost 2 years and i've never had anything on the "top rated" chart...or the "recent best" for that matter.
it really tickles me. i left for months and months and suddenly i reappear and figure, "oh, i'll do i quick post of this poem i really like and just wrote" and this is more feedback than i think i've ever gotten. ^_^
thanks to everyone.
— peanut
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