| Cigarette in the Rain (Soupline Meditation)
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starr
| In the street's | 1 |
stale, lifeless glow, | 2 |
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go on, soldier, | 3 |
go on. | 4 |
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In those asphalt depths | 5 |
of gravel and rain, | 6 |
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the drums play on, man, | 7 |
the drums play on | 8 |
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while a cigarette smoked in a downpour | 9 |
is the color of the front line, | 10 |
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all the dream houses | 11 |
stacked up in a row | 12 |
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the(n) morning after | 13 |
a pale eternity. | 14 |
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In loving memory of Michael Barbrick, Michael Swett and Eleanor Walsh. |
13 Mar 06 |
Rated 7.4 (8.3) by 9 users.
Active (9): 1, 1, 7, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (19): 4, 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(123 more poems by this author)
(10 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
Hey Starr, let's walk a little in the rain but with no umbrellas. I'll ask you for a cigarette even though I quit smoking ten + years ago.
Seriously. This urban landscape is gritty and real. Your poem is constructed seamlessly. It's definitely one to be read out loud, but husky-musky-whispery.
Is that the sound of your voice?
Wonderful
writing,
Grace
— borntodance
Grace... thankyou! My voice is deep, but it's not husky, musky NOR even whispery. It's warm and it's soft. I am so elated from your comments. Thankyou so much! I worked for 6 years feeding the homeless at a soup kitchen in Massachusetts and this is a tribute to some of the most beautiful human souls I will ever love in my entire life. Grown up bodies with the minds of children and nothing but the streets to guide them. God Bless you, Grace.
— starr
beautiful and haunting, nocturnal and needful...good work, starr, as always, bud.
— unknown
i agree with borntodance i love this poem, i just wish i could hear it aloud, the way you invisioned it in the first place
beautiful
— unknown
why have you imprisoned the n?
— Meep
Gritty. Tis a good thing.
Oh ya, upon second reading, adding to fav list. It reminds me of the noir. Like Cowboy Bebop. Or Max Payne. Anyways, great job!
— coldromantic
Hi Meep. The "n" is not imprisoned at all. It's this way so the poem will read "the morning after a pale eternity or then morning after a pale eternity.
— starr
sorry, Meep. I'm answering a crazed hospital switchboard while corresponding on the site. What I meant was that the "n" being "imprisoned" as you perceive it to be allows for the poem to read as follows:
"THEN morning after a pale eternity" OR
"the morning after, a pale eternity."
I just wanted to clear that up and the sloppiness of my last post with all the lines ringing off the wall here.
— starr
Thanks, Coldromantic! Appreciate your kind comments!
— starr
I'm not quite sure what you mean by lines ringing off the wall here. Your economic use of language is startlingly refreshing.
— Meep
Thankyou, Meep! What an awesome compliment! I answer a hospital switchboard and "the lines are ringing off the wall," meaning that I'm answering close to 300 phonecalls coming into the hospital every hour, so, it's really, really busy here. Take care and thanks again for liking what I put out. Peace.
— starr
I felt this poem
— unknown
I dig man totally man
— kool_gyrl_35
I really like how bare and minimal the piece is and the images are very strong. I would like to make a suggestion with your line breaks:
L5 in thos asphalt depths
L6 of gravel and rain
L9 and a cigarette in a downpour
L10 is the color of the front line,
Breaking after a noun gives a more forceful impact and the format would look even more consistent made up of couplets. Just a suggestion though, so take whatever works or not! ;-)
— redsky
Thankyou, Redsky. This is what I love about this site...the critiques. So helpful! It's like taking an English class online and really applying what you learn to the discipline of poetry. So thankyou again and thanks for liking my work too. I appreciate it. Peace.
— starr
My son is an ex-Marine so of course I like the "soldier" in this. Simple, emotive, nicely done. I like the picture it paints. First poem I found in here tonight that I want to add to my favorites and rate highly! All I'd do is lose the (n) in Line 14. I don't think it's needed or adds to the poem as "the morning after a pale eternity" reads just fine.
— wamblicante
PS - Congrats on being in the "Recent Best", it's deserved, nice work!
— wamblicante
This is wonderful and imaginative and so very real. The imagry is...amazing. The rythm is great.. I can't say much that you probably haven't already heard. So I'll stop rambling.
— fallinforyou
Well, what can i say? Starr is a very close friend of mine, and his poetry speaks volumes of life and the hardships and happiness it hands out....He is a great guy and i hope someday a published writer.
Way to go Starr...Love ya ...
Steve in Boston
— unknown
Thanking everyone for all of the constructive and friendly responses and of course for bringing me a second recent best poem in a month. I'm honored! (big smile). Peace.
— starr
This is art. Plain and simple; could you call it anything less?
I know minimalism and using the most of your words has been something you've done in all your poems (none of them are too longwinded), but I really feel like you've got it exactly right with this one. Everything about this is so rhythmic, and I agree that it's just begging to be read outloud. If I could chose one word to describe this, it'd be "gritty." Gritty and real. It definitely has a noir quality, like coldromantic said, but with a sharp modern edge. It reminds me of the atmosphere of Cowboy Bebop meets Fight Club, as terrible as that comparison is.
Truly breathtaking. I've been striving for a rhythmic effect and minimalism in some of my recent poems (none that have been posted here), and this is exactly what I had in mind. Excellent style, great imagery. This is a ten. Ten, ten, ten.
— mixtapeboy
OMG...I am so honored so and thankful to everyone who has brought this poem to the #2 spot. I don't know what else to say except that I'm glad that y'all like what I put out and that makes for a very happy poet dude! Peace!
— starr
Good poetry.
— DeathShards
good poem.
— noodleman
oh i wuv finley quay mewself man!
woger
— unknown
oh yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh woger
you rockin jambo juice mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
quay rocks sockets man to mars
super son ic fruits mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
you just go on soldya!
raftermanbarilow
— unknown
i love this! good job! i used to eat from a soupline at a time when employment eluded me. you're a great poet.
— unknown
how unfortunate that a wonderful poem gets toppled for absurd reasons that have nothing to do with poetry.
— borntodance
just so you all know, i gave it a 10. whoever followed me did the 1s. this happens to me constantly. sad.
— noodleman
take it as a compliment, starr. 1s are the ultimate jealousy.
— noodleman
Awwww...you guys are sooooooooooo sweet! Thankyou!!! It's all good...a little disappointing, but just for the fact that you support what I put out is what truly makes a winner. God bless you Grace and Noodleman!
— starr
Wow. I aspire to use language so efficiently someday. I love the 3rd stanza. "asphalt depths" conveys so much in just two words. Lovely. (10)
— Maela
glad to see this back up
— noodleman
this ain't bad.
congratulations. You got my first comment. Sorry its kind 'o blunt.
— pc_moderator
Thanks, everybody for the kind words/critiques! Gotta light?
— starr
i'd lose the parenthetical in the title. otherwise, well, now i need a cigarette. i think it also helps that it's overcast out my window right now. i like.
— jade
I quit smoking too, but if there ever was an excuse to have one, it would be this scenario, lol.
beautiful.
— xChelseax
Great piece--consider working with lines 14-15. (6)
— Mithrandir
After a long time, I can still come back to this and call it one of the all time favorite poems. Ever.
— mixtapeboy
Glad I caught this one/ moving and beautiful piece
— tanamac
Ha!
top rated.
Take that you one-giving bitches!
— unknown
^Ha! you have a very adament unknown, there.
I really enjoy this.
I love the stoppiness of 9, then the startiness of 10 & 11. If you know what I mean. And if you don't, don't worry, I'm not sure I do.
Could you tell me, though, what does then morning after a pale eternity mean?
— povertea
The last two lines pertain to homeless and addicted people out on the streets at night (who are generally homeless). I did Street Outreach for six years and wanted to write a piece about the people I served and loved.
The "n" is parenthesized for a reason so that it could read either way in L's 14-15 to best describe the state of a person on the streets who is under the influence of alcohol all night into the next morning.
It could read, "THE morning after, a pale eternity"
OR
"THEN morning after a pale eternity."
Hope this helps and I thank EVERYONE for the awesome critiques on this poem!
Peace and love...Starr
— starr
I get the the/then thing, I just can't wrap my mind around the sentence:
"THEN morning after a pale eternity."
Is it; Then, (on the) morning after, (it was) a pale eternity.
No.
I don't know.
I don't get it, help me, I'm blonde.
— povertea
i m worried about you po you remind me of bjork
— unknown
This is echoey, padded feet on wet concrete or mud. Nice writing.
— Isabelle5
Isabelle, thanks as always for the awesome compliments and Povertea, when you're in an alcohol induced state perpetually (as a homeless/addicted person is, think of how yellow and pale your skin would be (eternally). Hope this helps. Blessings to the both of you. Peace.
— starr
ooooooooooooooooookay.
still not getting the structure, but I've got the idea now (:
Bjork?
— povertea
Let me try this again...see if this makes sense...I'm giving the reader two choices of where to go to end this poem, Povertea:
All the dream houses
stacked up in a row
then morning
after a pale eternity &nb sp; OR the morning after (after a night of drinking),
; &nbs p; &nb sp; &n bsp; a pale eternity.
hope this helps. let me know and I'll continue to try and break it down for ya. i'm very patient like that. peace.
— starr
Povertea, by using the parenthesized "n," I'm allowing the reader to pick between the words "the" or "then" in order to finish the poem.
— starr
Ha! I *know* you've got the whole, alternate ending thing going on, that's pretty obvious.
It's just, to me, the sentence 'then morning after a pale eternity' doesn't make any grammatical sense.
— povertea
then morning after a pale eternity. the pale eternity is the night spent on the street and when one spends nights (in drunken states) on the street, the nights ARE pale (meaning unremembered) eternities. all the houses that are warm and cozy and quiet are the "dream houses" that this street drifter only DREAMS of being inside from the biting cold rain.
— starr
Title change... what was the reason behind that, Starr? I'm not sure if I like it or not. The expanded version seemed to add something to the minimalist poem, a style in which the titles are so very important.
— mixtapeboy
Hey Mixtapeboy...I think I was having a poetically insecure moment. I put back the other 1/2 of the title. You're right. Thanks! Peaceout.
— starr
This is a gorgeous poem, and the story which inspired it is life enriching, what a great soul you have.
Jen
— jenakajoffer
Awwww...Jen....thankyou! What beautiful compliments! I LOVED this job for the six years that I did it. These were the castaways of society and of their own families that would each become my special "uncles & aunties." I will never in my entire life know that I worked so hard and yet was sooooooo loved back at the same time. Beautiful, beautiful people with beautiful, childlike souls, all trapped in adult bodies. I was truly blessed to have served them and to have been and to STILL be loved/remembered by them. They taught me about life too. I'm glad you like the poem. God Bless Jen!
— starr
starr, you are very welcome! What a beautiful story of a sect of your life, God Bless.
Jen
— jenakajoffer
God bless you too, Jen! Thanks for the positive vibes! Peace!
— starr
Okay, Tom Waits.
— lieskilllies
Who's Tom Waits?
— starr
Tom Waits is a beatnik poet. This poem DOES have that quality about it. It really IS awesome, man.
— unknown
I like it. Could be, I don't know, longer?
— FemmeInLA
Wasted and wounded
t'ain't what the moon did......
waltzing Mathilda.....
f__k, am I drunk!!!!
Starr, Tom Waits is
the bestest
— unknown
FemmeInLA, it's call minimalism.
— mixtapeboy
love it. Not sure what the dream houses are, but you have just made me want a cigarette(though I have quit, argh!) i know it is a serious poem, and you need serious commentary, all I can say is i felt the rain and i felt the urge.
— bleach
I am loving this poem, starr, but I just can't grasp why you threw the "(n)" in there.
it might be the one and only "10" I've ever given, otherwise.
a new favorite.
please,
keep it up.
— theair
OMG, "theair..." ThankYOU! The "n" is two end the poem in two ways:
thus,
THEN morning after a pale eternity OR
the morning after,
a pale eternity.
It's the reader's choice. I liked both so much that I decided to do something so that I could have my cake and eat it too. Peace and Starrlight...
— starr
right, I figured it was there so that the word could be either "then" or "the"
except, "then" makes little sense to me given the context.
which is why I think it would be better left as simply "the".
still love this poem though.
— theair
Look, you're on the best list! Way to go, Starr!
— Isabelle5
Awwww...Thankyou Theair and Isabelle!
— starr
This poem kicks ASS!!! Just added it to my favorites list!!!
— unknown
This poem is sooooooooooooooooooo excellent!
— unknown
Some revisions made today...I added a parenthesized "u" and a parenthesized comma in order that the poem could end in two different ways:
either "the morning after, a pale eternity"
OR
"then mourning after a pale eternity."
Thanks. Starr
— starr
Its very real... You can almost see the smoke lifting into the air in the night as if it were right in front of you. Another one of your poem that have captivated me.
— katiedid
Hi starr
Very effective imagery here. I thought L's 5,6,and stanza five had strong impact. It reads so well and creates a strong feel for me of bleak dawn in a city where many will soon be waking to another futile day.
regards
Larry
— larrylark
Real kewl floo mane, yo dig it.
— Highwayman
Thanks, Highwayman! Starr :-)
— unknown
Mazing. gave me this total picture in my mind, i totally got it. it's good.
— unknown
Perhaps the best thing I have read of yours...I love the war poetry from WW1 and all that, its very real and I think this almost captures the same essence, its a wonderful callback anyway. I think 'man' detracts from it, its a bit standard american colloquial...just a small step up from 'dude'. Although you aren't really writing a war poem...well, there are a few ways to look at that.
Very good anyway. I removed that 9/11 poem from my favorites...yeah, this can take its place.
— DeformedLion
Thank you, DeformedLion. I'm delighted that you hold this in such high esteem.
:-)
— starr
this was beatiful.
i dotn really know what else to say.
im lost for words.
this left me feeling somewhat sad though..
— california
Thankyou, California. This is one of my very personally "special" poems. Indeed, very sad. Peace. :-)
— starr
hi starr,
so nice to see this in recently commented.
i was delighted to read this again.
=-)
— jenakajoffer
good poem
— stout
Thanks, Jen & stout! :-)
— starr
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