| You're in New York City (edited)
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SweetPain
| And I am here waiting, | 1 |
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thinking of you | 2 |
in that exhaust fogged air | 3 |
in the bright blinding lights | 4 |
and the beautiful sleepless nights. | 5 |
Now I am wondering | 6 |
are you wishing | 7 |
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I was there? | 8 |
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Breathing that air, | 9 |
dazzled by the lights, | 10 |
nocturnal. | 11 |
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14 Mar 06 |
Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (5): 4, 8, 8, 8, 9
(define the words in this poem)
(108 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
I don't know. were you ?
— unknown
no i am not. but your twin sister is.
— unknown
it's a nice poetic thought but isn't poetry...you lend a scene, but don't really let that scene play into an overall emotion of the poem and it feels as though part of a note or greeting card you may have sent someone, but not something beyond that explores an emotion.
I think you could probably develop this into a poem by expanding it somewhat to involve the senses of the reader.
Jo
— NoWayJo
I like this one.
— starwars
kansis
— unknown
expand this it will be great i can see as much as you have in a song if you choose to make it one if you do i would really like to see it when its done
— loveisgreat
thanks NoWayJo, starwars, and loveisgreat .
I am now thinking of adding to this poem, i was thinking that it was unfinished when i wrote it, but not quiet sure lol. thanks guys :D
— SweetPain
ooo loverly.
— jittery
I like the new ending.
— fallinforyou
Nice. New York City never sleeps.
— Isabelle5
aww thanks a bunch guyyys!
but is it finished?
— SweetPain
I don't know, it's your poem, you tell us.
— fallinforyou
you know your right.i guess i will have to mull over it a little while longer.
thanks fallinforyou
— SweetPain
I do what I can, and am happy to do so. If you do decide to add/revise, I'm sure it'll be great.
— fallinforyou
I would put a comma at the end of L6 so the reader takes a pause.
For some reason I read the last stanza as:
Breathing that air,
dazzled by the lights;
I am nocturnal.
But, anyway, that's just for your consideration. I like the revision. The piece is stronger now.
Nice job, and glad to see you joined the union, or w/e it's called.
-Mary
— fallinforyou
thanks for the suggestion fallinforyou, but i finally do think the poem is complete. thanks a bunch anyhow. :D
— SweetPain
Yeah, I love how it is, I just can't help but read it that way. I'm strange like that.
— fallinforyou
your not strange
you just have your own unique way of looking at things.
:D
— SweetPain
I'm not sure, but did I come by to read this and leave comment to the pre-editted post? it seems so much the theme of the original, but if this is the edit from that original--WOW, you did a great job of really pulling this one to it own unique poem. tremendous close as well...
Jo
— NoWayJo
yes, it was me...I saw my previous post after posting this last one. GREAT JOB, really!
Jo
— NoWayJo
oh thank you so much NoWayJo! this makes all the effort worth it :D
— SweetPain
love the atmosphere created.
— listen
aww thanks man.
— SweetPain
the ending is nice, short yet complete.
— SenorSin
This seems whimmsy, and half hearted. What is it your more enamoured by, your correspondant or the city? You don't seem sure.
— SolCarloman
the city.
the city is my love.
— SweetPain
i liked it. .. nice lyrical painting
— Kodicas
haha` thanks guys
— SweetPain
there is no space in between my name.
— SweetPain
Talk about pointless. This wasn't new in any such way. 5/10
— Henry
thanks ;)
— SweetPain
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