poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Natural guilt
unknown

Sitting in the sanction of the setting sun
 1
I steadily stumble
 2
Into the rhythm of her silence.  
 3
Letting my eyes stretch out in the dimness I see
 4
All this is so natural
 5
So infinite
 6
So no.
 7
 
 
In the serenity you deftly devoured the distance
 8
Creating within me a singular rendition of fear.  
 9
 
 
Ice laced lilies are licked by formfitting moonlight
 10
And silently sanctified in their lonely night.    
 11
But though they were innocent
 12
Was the moon that gave them light?
 13
And the rain that gave them water?
 14
No.
 15
The moon stole her light – she’s worthless on her own.
 16
The rain washed away the evidence covering a million’s guilt.
 17
And now I sit here fiercely fictitious
 18
Letting my deathly cold hand wipe
 19
The condensation of love on your skyline sill
 20
So still despite glib gravity’s seduction
 21
And the whispering wind in the windows
 22
Where I tried to see over the lilies in the tainted grove.
 23

15 Mar 06

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Comments:

mm... delicious words!



the assonance and consonance repeated continually either detracts or adds overall... I haven't decided yet.


but I have most definetely decided that this is an excellent poem.


8)
 — misspanda

Thanks for the comment.  As the author I think the assonance and consonance take away from the poem overall.  But I'm not entierly sure - I tend to be more critical of my own work.
 — derelict_me

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