| A Fairy Tale that Ended Badly
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Isabelle5
| He rode into the woods and lingered, | 1 |
captured by the beauty of the trees in full leaf, | 2 |
by the Snowdrops breathing their scent | 3 |
into the sweet wind. | 4 |
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He dismounted, let his horse run free, | 5 |
took his fill of purple berries, | 6 |
washed them down with water | 7 |
from the crystal creek. | 8 |
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The hum of teeming life below | 9 |
the perceived silence overwhelmed | 10 |
his tender thoughts, left him yearning | 11 |
for something in his soul that he could not define. | 12 |
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As the moon rose, he rode away, | 13 |
home to his castled kingdom, | 14 |
never knowing she was sleeping | 15 |
in a coffin made of oak and glass. | 16 |
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The spell cast, the time passed, | 17 |
the broken glass, the apple smashed. | 18 |
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No one lived happily, | 19 |
ever after. | 20 |
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15 Mar 06 |
Rated 9 (8.5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9
Inactive (3): 2, 8, 10
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Comments:
spilled my vermouth laughing
— unknown
I like the essence of what you have here. I will take liberty to rewrite it the way I read it. Hope you don't mind!
— unknown
Re-write it any way you want. I'm sure the right Prince will be coming along any minute now, anyway. haha I'm glad you found the humor! It's a spoof, obviously.
— Isabelle5
I read it five times and I still don't get it. I tried!
— unknown
I like it, read it as a bad premonition.
— unknown
I am angered by it. Your poem sounded like my voice!! Thanks
— unknown
I love the ambiguity of your description and the symbolism. I see this in many ways and from many angles! Thanks for the read.
p.s. the title is scary!
— unknown
What can't you get? Sleeping Beauty is dying with the apple in her throat for lack of a Prince to wake her with a kiss.
Aren't we all???
— Isabelle5
back to the drawing board!
— unknown
Sleeping Beauty is dying with the apple in her throat for lack of a Prince to wake her with a kiss
Thank you for sharing her with us.
— unknown
Obviously this isn't the kind of fairy tale I recommend for my grandchildren's sleepy time. I presume all on this board are well acquainted with the old tongue in the cheek. I have always wondered, personally, what became of all the princesses who had no prince to wake them. This is my take on it. Perhaps I'll write another someday about the girl who rose to rule the kingdom in spite of no man in her life! lol
— Isabelle5
"I have always wondered, personally, what became of all the princesses who had no prince to wake them."
We're all huddled together over here in Australia..
— CervusWright
Well, Cervuswright, there is a strong contingent over here in the US! Perhaps we should make a new reality show about this!
— Isabelle5
Hey Isabelle. Nice 2 c u still on. I'm stay n out of drama.
— jusmat
Greatly amused by this. Excellent.
— larrylark
good idea, could be great.
there is so much you could do with this.
i feel like a lot of your poetry just starts to scratch the surface of what you could do--you have excellent thoughts and ideas, but i'm not sure if you're the editing type.
so what do i mean about this?
a bad faery tale--great idea. i think you should write free association about what a faery tale should be, why it appeals to people, common elements and why they are incorporated, etc.
what are you trying to achieve exactly here? i think you could condense a lot of this, expand it with more elements/allusions and imagery from well-known stories and really have an incredible piece.
you have some good ideas here already; i especially like the last stanza.
do you jive with what i'm recommending?
— root
Root, I imagine most people know that the fairy tale involves a Prince, a Princess who needs him and his riding in to save the day. This one was more subtle than my Fairy Tales and Alimony, which some said was too "in your face."
I guess I'm not sure what you mean exactly. I didn't want to spell it out, like the reader was stupid or something.
— Isabelle5
get original. this is a waste of time isabelle. and no, it's not as much of a tale as you would want it to be... really...
— unknown
Unknown, get real and post under your real name.
— Isabelle5
For your lovely rating I shall comment on this poem.
I really enjoy reading this imagery. I love the satirical ending that ridicules the end of most cliche fairy tales. I do have some concerns regarding some word usage.
Suggestion one:
I understand that when you are in the woods or a forrest there is a beautiful sense of silence that controls your emotions so abruptly. I love that feeling. Although, It seems to me as it is not silence but it is natures voice that speaks to you, eergo I have a concern regarding L8. I suggest something like
Nature's voice overwhelmed his tender thoughts,
I know I copied that straight from my citique but, you understand the concept.
Suggestion two:
Shakespeare had a style of writing where he could overlap and repeat the same thing he said over and over again and it still be beautiful words. There is a time for repetative voice and then there isn't. I am speaking of L11. I would suggest to take off kingdom or home or just revise the line. For example:
As the moon rose, he rode away,
away to his castle, his only home,
or
As the moon rose, he rode away
to that castle he calls home.
very blunt, but I am expecting you to take your style and make those line better.
These are the only things I can see I can help you with. These are merely suggestions, take them or leave them.
I enjoyed the read,
-Drew
— Him
Him, thank you for the comments. I have taken them under consideration and have made changes in what you pointed out. I am very happy now with 'castled kingdom,' as you can use your imagination to build the castle. What I had originally meant by castle and his kingdom was the building AND the responsibilities that go with it.
I changed the silence to perceived silence, that has a current of life below it, almost like a non-sound, that I'm sure we have all heard when we are someplace still but there is always a sound, if only our blood passing through our heads.
Thank you for entering into the very spirit of this site.
— Isabelle5
Great, This is much better, Now. One thing dealing with structure. I would like to see four to a break. It is up to you, If you feel that the 8 lines you have without a break needs to be together than keep it like that, but I feel that even though you are still speaking of the same subject, it will not take away if you break between L8 and L9. If you wish not to break there I have another suggestion.
Suggestion:
He dismounted, let his horse run free,
took his fill of purple berries,
washed them down with
water from the crystal creek.
The hum of teeming life below the
perceived silence overwhelmed his
tender thoughts, left him yearning for
something in his soul that he could not define.
That is what I would suggest, since It still has all of your original language and it breaks at an apropriate place.
Thank you for welcoming me, I have been on this site for a long time and have been discourged more than you could ever know. To the fact that I did not come to this website for over several months. But I have matured and am more than willing to help the people who yearn to be helped and also those who help me. And I also appreciate good help, specialy the kind of help that Netsky gives me.
Thanks again,
Drew
— Him
Well, that was easy. I didn't even notice that a 4-line sequence was right there.
— Isabelle5
Perfect. (10)
— Him
Op wait, no. I just noticed something. You should take the suggestion I gave you. You have a five line break.
— Him
HAHAH! I'm getting dizzy! Thank you.
— Isabelle5
Okay now it deserves the ten I gave you.
-Drew
— Him
This is the sort of fairy tale that little boys and girls should have had read to them when they were small little tots. The last stanza is awesome :D
— wendz
still going round the bendz, wendz?
— unknown
um... was that all one poem or was that a bunch of small poems i cant tell, but i think that its cool, because it ended badly. oh, yeah if your a boi wanna have sex?
561-5319, ask for emily fisher
— unknown
I'm not a boy nor do I have a wish to ever be one but thanks.
— Isabelle5
He would never let his horse run free
— unknown
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