Comments:
I like this one, it could use some polishing, but every poem needs that... thanks.
— starwars
L4 needs to end in a question mark, not a period.
L6- you might put a semicolon at the end, not a period.
L12- remove the question mark and put it at the end of L18
Just a suggestion, you might capitalize your i's and the beginning of sentences.
This is pretty good, but it needs to be more proffessional to really get your point across.
— fallinforyou
It gets worse. Just be grateful you have a great gift of beautiful insight that will get you through it.
— gingerdave
Glimmers of something begin to appear her
and there but you squash them.
-Misspellings are like peeing on your own clothing. They don't tell the world you care.
"where was God when
i was sitting on the bus,
listening to kids speak of
masterbation and sex."
this is a rough but -constructive crit- I'm working out.
it is not really a pan of you at all.
"where was God when".
-firstly, there is no god. Or at least, it alienates 20 to fifty percent of your readers
who must here again that cliche about a fairy tale: "Oh Lord why hast thou forsaken".
As IF God is 'there' with you telling you what to do. No, leave the lords name out of your poety if you possibly can.
"i was sitting on the bus,
listening to kids speak of
masterbation and sex."
I guess, not there? Somewhere else?
Scoring dope? Maybe god is everywhere, everyone.
In which case all that stuff is OK, right?
(god-talk is blather, so pulease not in your poem on such psuedo-deep level).
I AM NOT dissing -you- I'm being bluntly honest about your poem, for your sake.
You, I we do not need "ooooh, dats goooood" applied to shit work.
OK do you want more?
Let me know. I don't mean to irritate you.
I get the sense you might like to improve.
You are here on a critical site, you know.
At eighteen you aren't supposed to be writing good poetry yet.
Yet someday you shall. Just not yet. So don't worry and do study the -craft-.
thanks, reid
— netskyIam
thanks all. made some changes.
netsky, of course i want more criticism. and i do not mind when you are a bit harsh. i am trying to become a better writer and this is the only way.
— bear
first stanza - i like this. the use of God (although i loathe capitals, i will show respect) gives it strength, makes you plaintive and forsaken, but not necessarily naive. nothing bad here, in my opinion.
second stanza - you speak of racism, which implies insults of other races (of humans, presumably) but then say the driver was called something "less than human". does that mean he was called something not human? in which case, how does it relate to racism?
third stanza - make this to the same structure as the first, ie move qestion mark to end of stanza, and thus envolope the three lines as a question. and you can delete the comma in there, too. this is a good stanza, too, all the more so because it conatains an element from more of your poetry.
fourth stanza - no idea who tom joad is, so that reference went way over my head. perhaps you could enlighten me? i don't like "and then" on L14, you could easily replace it with a comma or semi-colon. and don't like the line breaks of L16-18. try making them cover only two lines.
fifth stanza - the first question mark makes the first question too vague, and somewhat cliche, i suggest you make both questions into one more specific one, ie delete first questions mark.
sixth stanza - i find no fault with this, either, but for the sake of suggesting something, you might want to consider changing "tired" to "weary", which gives the impression of being world-weary and too experienced for one's own good, rather than merely sleepy or exhausted.
— inutile
bear? you gonna acknowledge my comment or not? either you missed it, or you're ignoring me for some inexplicable reason.
— inutile
i really enjoyed reading this poem. great jorb, my friend. awesome awesome jorb. (; right now i can't exactly think of anything you can do to make it better. (; keep on writing!
~duckie
— ducktape
This is a poem of real power.Wait til your nearly 60.then you'll know what cranky is
From the old bastard
— larrylark
I like the parelleling of "where was God" and "where was Holden"
I likes the stanzas that followed those lines best also
liked this because I relate, haha
lines 5 and 6 are a little awkward for me because I couldn't really understand or see how racism shines..?
— lai
thanks all.
the racism is calling someone something less than human
— bear
did you ever really have innocence?
as far as poetry goes, it's not bad. but i hate the profanity and the shallow view of God. if you're going to give some understanding of the other two characters, you should give at least the equal understanding about God. of course, that depends on which god you're talking about, but if you're talking about my God, the one most people love to swear by, then your first stanza is very naiive. people love to blame God for bad things and when they don't get what they want, all under the assumption that He owes us good things because we're good people. if you want to give God the same treatment as Holden and Tom Joad, read the book of John. if not, if you've got a grudge against something you claim doesn't exist, then i'm sorry.
also, your third stanza has wrong punctuation. the second "sentence" is actually a dependent clause, so you should move the question mark to the end and put a comma after the word "Holden". of course, i think you should get rid of the expletives too, because we all know that anyone can say those words and they are the most alienating things about this poem.
thanks.
— saysayonara
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