Comments:
Powerful images and a nice layout. As a reader, I'd feel more comfortable with a period in line 5 or 6, but that's a very small bone to pick. Good work!
— OwlGirl
Thanks Owl, for the comment.
— Infrangible
I've always wanted to be so stupid that I would achieve eternal happiness…
sorry, that was completely irrelevant, nice poem, i really liked the imagery.
— winter
in fact on second-fifth reading, ive decided that this is a favourite…
— winter
I'm pleased you read it so many times! thanks!
— Infrangible
interesting. winter has a good eye.
— bettalpha
hey thanks for the comment bettalpha
— unknown
I would say don't be afraid of using some really good, strong and unconventional language.
I think that would send this into the stratosphere on wings of song.
— root
That is such a general way of saying this: There are better words to use.
Don't be ashamed to visit thesaurus.com and strengthen this with what you really mean, because I know you have more to say, and some of those words will help you say it.
I will admit, this is a strange criticism. I hope you take it well?
— root
And what you have is already good, I just want you to know that much.
— root
Yes, thank you. Just laziness so far. But your comment has pushed me over an edge of motivation. Thx.
— unknown
Oh, and in the first part the simpleness was supposed to match the simplicity of bird-life. But I do see some changes that can improve and still have the effect.
— unknown
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