| Chance Meeting On A Rainy Day.
|
opal
| Audio if you want to listen
http://susannapoetry.zoomshare.com/files/cmoard.wav
| After disbelieving greetings, | 1 |
surprised hello, | 2 |
came silence | 3 |
as I looked up | 4 |
at you | 5 |
and you | 6 |
looked down at me. | 7 |
Our umbrellas formed | 8 |
a fragile roof | 9 |
above our heads, | 10 |
half black, half red. | 11 |
Rain had stopped, | 12 |
left air so moist, | 13 |
outlines of cars, buses, | 14 |
passers by, buildings | 15 |
blurred in mist. | 16 |
I smelled damp wool, | 17 |
saw tiny sequin | 18 |
web of wet | 19 |
glitter on your sleeve, | 20 |
heard traffic's hiss, | 21 |
abstracted sounds | 22 |
of speech, a police siren. | 23 |
Your face was my focus. | 24 |
You leaned towards me | 25 |
and we kissed. | 26 |
|
23 Mar 06 |
Rated 10 (7.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10, 10
Inactive (22): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(117 more poems by this author)
(10 users consider this poem a favorite)
|
Add A Comment:
|
Comments:
Awww! The perfect ending. Strangers kissing under umbrellas! (Strangers, right?)
— Isabelle5
wrong isabelle!! Not strangers - clandestine lovers - meeting by chance many years later,
— opal
Simple, pretty, well done, love it! Though from the start I get the feeling they're not strangers, they're two people who already knew eachother and chanced to meet. Nice job, imparts a warm feeling!
— wamblicante
PS - I wrote the above before your reply to Isabelle came on so I guess I was lucky here with my perception of the poem.
— wamblicante
Oh, I see! Disbelieving and surprise. Nice that the spark was still there. So sad when it goes the other way and you feel sick knowing you touched that person! ugh!
hahaa I love it
— Isabelle5
We have a psychic wamblicante in the house!
— opal
Tell me about it isabelle - touching the object of our former desires - yeuch - but nothing is ever quite the same as 'I still love you, where did you spring from?'
— opal
This is some mighty fine enjambment - better used than I could ever achieve :) Especially in lines 3-7
I was suprised by the ending - I thought it was more ominous than romance - created a nice contrast for your end line.
If you so desiered, you could stop the poem at police siren and the peice would have a completely different feel - you know, if you felt like toying.
Loved it.
— WordsAndMe
No way psychic, just a bit perceptive and read into the start of the poem. I really do like it a lot. It describes a sweet moment well!
— wamblicante
the only line i dont like is 13, air so moist. otherwise, love this
— unknown
Hi Opal,
Initially I liked this; In fact, I still like it.
It runs very smooth.
However, as usual I came unstuck on your modern syntax.
In fact, I slipped on a banana skin on the very first line, and seemingly did not recover on the second line either.
After disbelieving greetings, (Plural I believe)
surprised hello, Is not hello singular, and could hello possibly have been the greeting(s) if so should it not have been hello’s
came silence, is that not a verb confused.
After disbelieving greetings,
surprised hello,
came silence.
Being uneducated, I would probably have preferred to read it as follows.
After disbelieving greetings,
and surprised hello’s,
came; silence.
Just a thought, much to do, must dash.
My great grand children are teaching me how to write English, and do simple poetries I will get there eventually.
Morchuis.
— Mor
unbelievable.
definitely a favorite.
you captured all of the right scents, sounds, images
in the right order
it was everything we needed to know to make this poem work
and work well.
— root
i should say too it requires a really quiet sense of recollection to remember how important some of those things are.
that is why i'm so impressed.
thank you.
— root
I really like this, esp. the focus on small details; it underlines how important this chance meeting is in the mind of the speaker.
I would end it at l. 24 or even l. 25, to keep the ambiguity and charged intensity of the buildup and keep the reader guessing.
— leukothea
Excellent imagery. I could see the whole scene unfold before my eyes.
— wanderlusted
Thanks to root (having a sabbatical?), to leukothea and wanderlusted - delighted you liked the imagery - its meant to be a modern take on 'Le Rouge et Le Noir' by Stendahl, lol - playing down the political connotations of course!
— opal
stendhal - apologies - it's an anagram of Shetland anyway.
— opal
Beautiful
— dia
whoaaa.. finally a monsoon poem.
cheers. thanx OPal.
— trochee
I love the audio.
This poem puts a well-deserved smile on my face.
This is a saucy poem: from heads to reds, buses, passers by, mist, hiss, and finally that kiss.
— Rixes
GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
— unknown
Hello unknown - are you stuck down a hole? On second thoughts, don't bother answering that.
— opal
i really enjoyed this. it's a simple moment, delivered to me simply, but is a profundity in its sounds, and images. i especially appreciate the lines following
web of wet
notice that each line carries with it an 'ess' sound, and the passing of the cars, the obfuscation of vision becomes real through each sparse and densely effective line.
good shit
— chuckle_s
wow -- yeah thiss iss blisss to read out loud --sssweet
— AlchemiA
What a wonderful poem! I love the imagery and rhythm. Great work Opal.
— unknown
A nice poem.
However, I must say I am in a state of shock, mortified.
I never ever imagined that opal could sound like this!.
It is terrible, my dreams and imagery destroyed for ever.
What a cruel trick she has played upon my senses.
I retreat into that unredeeming world of misery.
How cruel her words destroy my illusions
Were on, I only wanted a gentle mind massage.
Mor or someone that sounds just like him.
— unknown
This is the title and title poem of my book - now available on amazon.
— opal
|
|
|