poetry critical

online poetry workshop

oh, honey

When you lifted my hips to your mouth
I thought the world would break in half
But you were sick,
And falling,
And when I reached for you
I heard, in the distance,
A deep, slow cracking sound.

24 Aug 03

Rated 6 (6.2) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8
Inactive (25): 1, 2, 2, 3, 3, 3, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 5, 6, 6, 6, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(1 more poem by this author)

(6 users consider this poem a favorite)

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Dumb. And gross. And weird.
 — unknown

 — onklcrispy

err, don't understand......
 — fudge

For some reason, I found this amusing and original. Even though I do somewhat agree with the first unknown on some of their points. The last line I'm assuming meant that the world just broke in half, as you thought it would. Clever.
Line 3 and 4 actually I don't think need to be there. They don't seem relevant really. Even though I know you were grabbing for the person who was falling, I think you could just reach for the person without them falling. The falling and being sick don't really add to the poem.~Chris King 10/10
 — FrChris

Intentionally funny/weird? I don't care, I really enjoyed it.
 — root

The poem gets a five. That first comment gets a 10.
 — unknown

))echoing weirdness((  Hmm.  Intersting.  No comment really.  yah.
 — Infrangible

 — Infrangible

is it weird that i dont get this poem?
 — lalalala

This makes me think of honey, and of amber.

The only thing I would possibly want changed from this is maybe capitalisation on the beginning of 4 & 5. But only maybe.

I disagree with FrChris on 3 & 4. I think those absolutely need to be in there. I cannot read 'sick' or 'falling' as meaning 'sick' or 'falling' though; I read 'sick' and think maybe like Blake's "The Sick Rose", and the impression of 'falling' that I get from the word is impossibly too slow for me to actually call it that.

This is fucking gorgeous and that's the best thing I can say about it.
 — manikin

Love this.
 — OKcomputer

beautiful all the way.
 — unknown

i dont think its gross, dumb or weird. i like this a lot.
 — wendz

It's erotic. But it's nothing else at all. Really.
 — unknown

i dont see it as erotic. i read it as a poem about losing a lover.
 — wendz

Have you shrunk the kids yet?
Line three slaughters the gravitas.
 — unknown

this poem drags me into a slow crazy frame of mind and I love it for that. it's just a pity that the author seems to be ignoring the comments made.. unless i missed something.

I don't understand the sick part (probably my stupidity) well actually it's not that I don't understand it, its just that I don't see it as necessary unless by sick perhap you did not mean ill, rather sicko... hmmm
also please lose the unneccesary capital letters at the start of each line. very annoying

all in all, a poem that hit me which is getting rarer and rarer

 — Minx

not my cup of tea
 — unknown

Makes me sad.
This is why you use protection.
 — FangzOfFire

If a poet is a fact a poet, he/she should learn to leave one's dick a door before writing anything so to speak! I hope you get my point!

Where hips lift across my lips
I expect the world to separate.
But you were slick, falling,
when I reached for you. Then,
I heard a cracking sound
within distance, as now.


 — Blackjack

PS: I like crackling better than cracking here btw!
 — Blackjack

I approve

also get rid of those caps
 — unknown

Nothing significant but it makes me laugh lol not bad :D
 — inc_reign

The best poem I have read. Brilliant, a turn of the screw and we are bound
 — justicely