poetry critical

online poetry workshop

She Lives on Saliva

new reading of 10 Sept. 07
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She Lives on Saliva 10 Cents to See
She Lives on! Saliva 10 Cents to See
Harold and Henrietta
Harold da Lingua, a stage name, that,
lived an act very few will follow.
His sister was born along with Harry,
but just her head, attached to him,
as small as a garbanzo with brains,
under the tip of Harry's tongue.
Young HdL joined the carnival,
impressing his draw by tongue
"Awwww, so cute", spectators sighed
when his sister mimed (she lacked for breath).
Her wordings looked saucy, her amber eyes rolled
and nitty teeth nattered and hair Marcel waved,
If sibling rivals tend toward discord,
symbiotic rivalries may run rougher:
whenever teen Harold assayed for sex
under the canvas, searching side dishes,
his sister mouthed judgments with promised
reprisals. Her teeth were sharpness unmuzzled.
Blood, or absence of blush from his lips,
belwethered the weather in Harry's mouth.
To forestall bleeds Harry carried a mirror.
Dropping his jaw he read lips in reverse,
gleaning another typical scold:
".nicer be would Nelly Fat Jolly
?whore bearded That"
His twin-in-twain fairly discounted
the whiskery lady, who
was lesbian, and a gay guy too.
So suffered Harry
with mouth and eye lashings
on and on in their mutual tongue.
Their partnership ended in a coup.
Mighty Miguel Oso
jealous, caught Harry
off-guard, on-jaw;
Harry's dentition dinging his tong  
gulped so hard, that that was thhh-
at.  At the trial
the judge, extenuated in chianti,
forgave the fratricide charge, "However,
you really shouldn't have swallowed."
Released by the law, sacked from the circus,
the end of young Harry's career meant nothing,
not even a point for this recount except
to recall in-digestion, a
missed martinet:
Henrietta da Capo della la Lingua.
RIP, capistrano-gone-swallow.

11 May 06

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thrilling story. very learesque. i'd love this even more if it was illustrated in a book.

there are places i might comment. pluralisation of singular and some foreignesque synonym choices and parts which detract a little from the main narrative.

but i quiet love it just the way it is.

 — unknown

Thanks,  this second draft is still in refinement.  Some small changes already made since your helpful application.  The poem is nothing but an amusement side show.
No deep meaning at all.  Only pun after surrealistic pun.  For fun!
Thank you, Betty.

 — netskyIam

the show reopened 5/17/06
"strano" means "strange".
two cents for your thoughts, poets?
...how about  a slimy dime?
 — netskyIam

chatty prose with spazmo line breaks, forced even. boring tale, so much better told as a graphic novel, if the author can't find words enough to build a character, and if "poetry" is a plastic baggy holding stories to short to have a name.

this is poetry critical, not kids say the darnest things critical.
 — joey

her nitty teeth nattered
 — netskyIam

as a further comment, i wonder if you ever read Parker Tyler's "Young and Evil"? you've got the queen bitch in the tube, but the t.v.'s in the toaster and the english muffins are in the way of truth and beauty. damn them.

you're such a primitive... you think that holding up a picture of jim morrisssson is apocalyptic. i'd just say he'd look better with some lipstick.
 — joey

?  ?  ?
 — netskyIam

yah, i'll have a martini, and hold the gin and vermouth.
 — joey

¿ ¿ ¿

(I'm glad I'm a non-drinker)
 — netskyIam

so am i. but, really, even though i like only consciousness i have to admit that some of the people i most admire have been lushes and junkies and nicotine freaks. it's obviously not the chem, but it's still more obvious that there are different kinds of poetry and different ways of patterning thought into rhetoric -- proselogics, proseologies, topos -- but only one way of being honest to your talent.
 — joey