poetry critical

online poetry workshop

sundial house

silver ball with a garlic core
a skyblue roomroof vanishes at night
treasure chests and a hidden trove
a shaggy garden contains two masters
and counts only our sunny hours

15 May 06

Rated 10 (9.3) by 1 users.
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Inactive (2): 8, 10, 10

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a wonderful read on a rainy English morning
I read line 3 as "chests in a hidden trove" - no idea why I changed the preposition
I see why you would minimize, in fact, work outside of punctuation altogether, but

I was wondering whether you would consider a hyphen between sky and blue, or even make these one word.  Also, in line 2 - I am willing to go either with "room" or "roof" - I think this would benefit the sonics of this line as well

hank, this is very good ... dense description in five lines, takes a few reads to digest it all.  

(T)hank you,
 — slancho

maria. i took your suggestion on skyblue and extended it to room, roof. i like that. wanted to keep both words. the treasure chests and hidden trove refer to two different things which is why it is so written. thanks for your help and liking of this.
 — hank

nice poem.
 — Meep

you are quite welcome, hank, anytime
 — unknown

roomroof or room, roof?
 — unknown

(T)hank, lol.
 — Meep

i might want to get rid of all three a's
but i love this poem
the surprise of the garlic core
like a dragee with an i seed inside, but
it recalls the out of the ordinary, and vampires
or less romantically a pale colour

it is of course the most wonderful garden in world.
and the house probably has a secret room,
behind a hidden panel bookshelf.
 — bettalpha

Fantastic, sensory stuff and good length
 — GWH