poetry critical

online poetry workshop



To Kiss, Buss or Osculate à la Française
MrChris

While we in dark sat vis-à-vis
 1
our bavardage allayed ennui
 2
till she discerned
 3
I likewise yearned
 4
to osculate right then.
 5
 
 
Now dishabillée, her silhouette
 6
with risqué flair sans circumspect,
 7
edged near to mine
 8
which swelled my pine
 9
to buss her lips but once.
 10
 
 
With minds esprit and breaths beaucoup,
 11
frissons of lust had peu à peu
 12
become too strong
 13
to curb our long
 14
to kiss, so then we did.
 15

24 May 06

Rated 9.3 (7.6) by 5 users.
Active (5): 1, 10, 10
Inactive (39): 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(4 more poems by this author)

(12 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

Hey! I remember this! You're posting it again? I always liked it. :)
 — unknown

Aww thanks! I'm glad ya liked it. I thought it was a fun idea, but it wasn't met well by a few members that for some reason hated it. Thanks a lot.
 — MrChris

I remember this one, too.

Great, great writing.  Made me realize how much good stuff has been taken down over the years.
 — root

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  This is just about perfect!   Intelligent, creative, fun.
 — Isabelle5

Yes, I thought I'd read it before!
 — Isabelle5

I would change l15 to
'to kiss, so then we did.'
 — root

Oh, yes, Root, nice catch!  
 — Isabelle5

This makes me smile.  A fun write - Oh, and I agree with root, too. :)
 — WordsAndMe

A French kiss, with French words. I had this on the site before, but I removed it to work on it. Here it is again.
 — MrChris

vis-a-vis-face to face
bavardage-conversation
ennui-boredom
decolletage-a low cut dress or shirt
risque-sexy
circumspect (not French really)-with caution
degage-unworried
frisson-a thrill or sensation
peu-a-peu-little by little
 — MrChris

This was (and still is) one of my favourites, Chris. Thanks for posting again.

Sam
 — unknown

Oh...no problem Sam. Thanks for liking it. My first poetic hit! Again...thanks Sam.
 — MrChris

Where are your poems Sam? You like never log in.
 — MrChris

I will email you and tell you which ones are up - I always post as unknown.

Sam
 — unknown

SAM!  May I call you next time or must I wait?
 — Isabelle5

I will call you this weekend, Isabelle. I have a l.d plan.

Sam
 — unknown

I enjoyed it even without knowing the french.
 — Cloudless

I think you mean which made me pine?

I really enjoyed this good work
 — xtormentedx

Thanks for liking it both of you. Thanks a lot. Um...about the "me" part...well, when I posted this last time (about 1 year ago) people thought that as well...but I think "my" fits for what I was going for. What I mean is that the thing that accrued (or grew in intensity, was my "pine to buss her lips." So it was "my pine" that accrued, and that's what I was getting at. I know it's confusing to read. Sorry. Again though, thanks for liking it.
 — MrChris

It was quite enjoyable although, I'm afraid I still don't get the whole my thing. Maybe it's because I'm overtired. Either way it's a great poem :)
 — xtormentedx

i am really liking this one, mrchris. wonderful rhythm.
 — inutile

It means quite a bit that you like it, Thanks Inutile.
 — MrChris

Love it sweetie. So cool to run into this poem again after so long.
 — elysium

A citrus delight! Utter genius! Mor would be proud.

If I could rate this a 99 i would but im afraid the highest i can go is 10.
 — MrTom

Thank you MrTom. That's very kind of you! You seem to be my biggest fan.
 — MrChris

i officially challange mrtom to a dual over the right to be mrchris' biggest fan :)
 — inutile

nice poem.
 — unknown

I dunno Inutile! You might be!! You and MrTom will have duke it out *laughs* Tom would give in pretty easily is my bet.

And to the unknown...thanks for thinking this is a nice poem. Thank you.
 — MrChris

you all lose. i have always been his biggest fan.
and chris knows that;)

sam
 — unknown

this is really good work
 — Crescent

I really like this.  The first stanza, especially.
 — jerotich

the only foreign language i speak is pig latin and it would be hard to craft a work such as this in any language other than the one used. you are a creative mind and i applaud you
 — coodaygraw

It's true...when I first came to the Sam was here, being my fan! I have known her the longest. Even longer than Tom of whom I even know in person.
Sorry Inutile and Tom!!
You are two big fans though!
Thank you Crescent and Jeritoch. I think the first stanza is my favorite too. In my first edition, the other two stanzas I thought were pretty poor...but now...I think they're all kind of good.
Coodaygraw...you're a member I haven't seen before. Thank you for liking it as well. *laughs* A french kiss in pig latin would be something!!
 — MrChris

A prime example of all flash and no substance. When people need to use words beyond their normal speech, they are taking on a persona. And if a person takes on a persona, that means that person has yet to tap the creativity of their true self.

Your poem looks like a dirty toothless appandageless bum dressed in a designer suit. Most will be stunned by the designer suit, the rest will see a bum. This square ball is the liver in my teeth, reeking of bile aftertaste.

I can write these poems in my sleep, I can write these poems while tripping on acid, I can write these poems like piss on walls.

You may say, though, but wait, I want to speak french because I am french kissing. Sure, but the result is not poetry.

To tell if you have poetry, translate your entire poem and see the result. I have translated this poem, and there is nothing poetic at all.

You see, some poetry does dwindle through translation, but not the essence of poetry. Just read Jorge Luis Borges, poetic in both languages. That is skill. This poem is not.


Now you see the essence of gimmick.
 — pra3torian

These words are not only French words anymore, but have been adopted into the English language. If translated using the English translation...it'd work just fine Bum. Yes...from the original French some of the words have changed definition. I'd be the first to admit that. But I'm afriad you don't quite know what the essence of poetry is. I don't think anyone really knows. I write not poetry often times not to convey amazing imagery or feelings, but to use a perfect rhyming meter or to do something clever. I like to play with words. Not as many poets do that much anymore. It could be argued that rhyming is a gimmick...or that spacing words in a certain way is a gimmick...or that palindromes are a gimmick. Because they are not natural and are restrictive. Except maybe the spacing of words. And I doubt you could write this in your sleep. It took quite a while to write. Until you have mastered the true definition of the "essence of poetry", I doubt you should preach of it. Your poems are hardly more poetic than this. I write not for substance...but for the cleverness. My objective Praetorian is just different than perhaps yours or Jorges.
 — MrChris

That is why you and I will always disagree, because we write poetry for different reasons.

So then, we shouldn't really argue. I gave you my point of view and I was right. I knew you were simply toying with poetic techniques rather than poetic meanings. You find that sort of job envigorating, good for you, but I don't. So I said what I needed to say.

I am glad you are critical enough to notice the obvious flaw in my logic of gimmick. Even metaphors can become gimmicks! But just like a metaphorical gimmick, sound is a gimmick without a higher purpose. Why? Because they look to grab your attention not through content but through execution. It is not about the matter just how the matter is presented. That is a gimmick, if you were truly poetic, you would let your emotions speak for itself, a poet does not need flash to make his/her point. A wannabe poet needs all the flash he/she can get to make his/her point.

What do you think advertisments are? They use sound to perfection to get you to buy something, to attract your attention. Advertisments use sound as a gimmick because advertisements have a pathetic purpose. We don't consider advertisments poetry, so why should I consider your work poetry?

Execution of poetic techiniques is not poetry. It is only half the creation of poetry. You must have something intelligent to say and combine that with poetic techiniqes. That isn't to say you must talk about existence or multi-variable calculus. But you still need to transform that simple catapillar into the world, if your poem cannot do that, your poem has already failed, it is only 50 percent complete.

What you are doing is nothing but "poetic exercises." I did them all the time. I wrote poetry in heroic couplet. I wrote poetry in the same tone as Edgar Allan Poe. I did odes and sonnets. I played with punctuation and phoenetics E.E. Cummings style. They were all excerises for me but I did not think them actual poetry. Why? Because they were me being someone else.

Good poetic excercise, but that is all that can be said about this work.
 — pra3torian

Oh...you're still online. Nope...I suppose we won't disagree on most topics when in regards to poetry. But that's fine. I've never once taken a course on it...I wouldn't want to. Poetry is not so important to me that I want to take a course on it. Also...feelings, emotions, images and thoughts, are not things that I convey terribly well. You I'm sure are more poetic and have greater skill than I, but I think that I will stick with writing "poetic excercises" because that's as deep as I'd ever want to get with poetry. I like to write like Silverstein (not deep or profound at all), Carroll (clever at times), and Updike (the most talented of the three) too. He's one of my favorites.
 — MrChris

Oh...and thanks for at least thinking it's a good poetic excercise.
 — MrChris

Good luck chief, at least you are self-aware and happy.

That is more than I can say about the vast majority of seasame seeds on this website.
 — pra3torian

I did like the 1st stanza the best
 — unknown

Overcoming my french prejudice was hard to do, but I think you broke through my shell. I owe my recovery to you and your beautiful, sultry poetry.
 — unknown

I was hoping it was sultry...I think it kind of is too. Not terribly so, but sultry enough. Thank you. I'm glad you recovered. French is a pretty cool language.
 — MrChris

nice read. adore the humor. is this french that you have integrated into the poem? you use it well.
 — listen

lovely.
 — sarahjoie

Yep, these are French-American words integreated into the poem. Not neccessarily words everybody would know, but nonetheless French-American words. Thanks for liking it. I thought it was kind of funny too. Thanks a bunch listen! And thank you as well Sarahjoie.
 — MrChris

i for sure don't know all the words, awesome poem anyways. rock on.
 — unknown

i had a kiss like that once. with a french girl too even.
 — unknown

I altered my poem again slightly. Here's the original:

In decolltage her silhouette
with risque flair and circumspect
edged near to ...

and

Now degage with breaths beaucoup
frissons we felt...

I think this newer version seems to be more complete and I also believe that the words "dishabille" and "esprit" fit more appropriatly.

Note: There is this brand name for clothes/shoes that is called Esprit but everyone, even my manager call it Spirit. I won't correct him.
 — MrChris

heehee mon ami(e)...
L9-do you mean me?
L11- i belief beaucoup should have an s at the end( french words do pluralize this way sometimes)
L14-i'd suggest "to curb our long-ing"
i know what you mean,
but it just don't loooooooooooooook
right...
bye bye
 — chuckles

also...
how do i get this
machine to do these funky
accent marks????
au revoir
 — chuckles

This is the tops. Great lyrical feel and what a witty light touch
 — larrylark

Wow...thanks everybody. It's been a while since I've been to the site...I've never had a poem this high on the charts. Thank you all a lot. Thank you.

And actually...you may be right there chuckles about the beaucoups. It said that if beaucoups were plural that it should end in an "s". I'm trying to figure out if this is plural or not. I didn't think it was, but perhaps.

And longing...yeah...now that I look at it, it probably should be longing. I'll see what I can do with that and keep the syllable count the same.

In line 9 I think I should probably keep it as "my pine" because what I was going for here was was, it was "my pine to buss her lips," that accrued. I hope maybe it made sense. Many people have asked me about that one part.

ANd here is a list of accent codes. What I did was I copy-pasted just the accent code from another location, but you could use on of these codes if ya like.

http://tlt.its.psu.edu/suggestions/interna tional/bylanguage/french.html#winalt



ANd larry liking my poem lark...it's been a while since I've seen you. Nice to see you  . I'm glad you enjoyed the poem too. I often go for airy and lyrical. Thank you.
 — MrChris

yeah.. even without knowing french this was still pretty enjoyable.
 — saysayonara

One of the only french words I understood was pine.  How pathetic is that?
 — MEB

sorry, mr.c...
i meant that adjectives
modifying plural words
also become plural- sometimes
-c
 — unknown

vis a vis does not mean face to face, it means about...something. Face a face, means face to face.
 — unknown

dishabille, spelled wrong, deshabille.  which made "me" pine. You are careless. Why not have a French dictionary next to you when you write?
 — unknown

to pra3torian.  If you want to be a critic, learn how to spell! It's invigorate, not "envigorate". Shame on you!
 — unknown

one small spelling mistake and you're deemed careless...you must be one of those elusive perfect people that travel the halls of pc, unknown...come out from hiding. perfection is nothing to be ashamed of.
frchris, brchris, mrchris, mychris has already explained the 'my pine' line or didn't you take the time to read all the comments?
 — unknown

http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/archive /2001/10/02.html Check out that website if you like...it supports my spelling of dishabille. I bet it can be spelled more than one way.

And thank you so much last unknown!! Thank you. I do mean "my." To the one that called me careless...ah well. Doesn't bother me. Be less careless next time and read the prior comments perhaps.

And check out this link for vis-a-vis and its various definitions.  Especially read the sentence about sitting face to face. http://64.233.187.104/search?q=cache:t6HZGt1PS24 J:www.thefreedictionary.com/vis-a-vis+vis-a-vis&hl=en&gl=us&ct=cl nk&cd=3&client=firefox-a

I wish you didn't sign unknown, for then I could direct the comments toward you.
 — MrChris

I love hiding behind unknown. it gives me a certain frisson to not travel the halls of pc, boy did you get it wrong, but in fact, the opposite. poetical correctness, I would hope. and where is all the political poetry by the way. the usa is falling apart, in an illegal war with an imbecile in power wreaking havok upon the world. what happened to student dissent in poetry?
 — unknown

havoc, sorry
 — unknown

this was a random poem. great little piece. brightened my day. are all those french words used correctly? they seem to be.
 — unknown

Fine and sharp and fun and clean.
A winner; that is all, and more.
 — netskyIam

MrChris - your poem is fantastic and puts into words the true essence of two people finding each other so pleaseantly exquisite - and that constant yearning you have for someone you are falling in love with perhaps?

Well thats what it meant to me anyway...!
 — JaneNZ

I'm too lazy to look up all these words.
But since the rest of the world seems to like to reward things like this, I will too.  10.
 — aurelius

I like this poem, but maybe u could put the translations as footnotes, instead of a comment. Maybe I'm just retarded..but the translations made the poem make sense to me lol
 — Bandrews

have to join the general throng here and add this as a fave

wonderful piece
 — Mongrol

I must say the title did nothing for me. You say that this is American English from the French. .Buss is not English or French it is from the German. bussen    ein Geheimnis in seinem Busen verschließen,.   Tu ne comprends pas le français?

I did not like your forced end stops.
Can I suggest a different approach to your last stanza?


With minds esprit and breaths beaucoup
Frisson we felt had peu-a-peu
Feuillage so strong
Curbs not élan.
Donner un baiser à quelqu'un

« Se donner des baisers »

Mor.
 — unknown

i always loved french, and i really like how you used it in this poem. to be honest, when i started reading i assumed that the french would drive me insane considering a don't know a word of it. but, i liked how you incorporated the french in a way that the reader knew what the word was just from the mood it emitted. that was pure intelligence. i enjoyed this; wonderful, delicate and mysterious mood you gave to the reader. rock on.
 — lanezfairy

This poem reminds me of a Wallace Stevens quote from his Adagia:

"French and English constitute the same language"
 — learn

Creative, Inventive - shows promise. But its not a poem yet. The meter is off.
 — unknown

dictionnaire Robert ( a French reference dictionary )  : "peu à peu"  and not " peu-à-peu".

i would also advise dishabillée if you want to keep the anglo-saxon prefix, otherwise it will be "déshabillée" of course... you need the accent aigû 'é  ( + e for the feminine genre') to have your non-action verb ( déshabillée ) effect on ''she'' ( line 3 ) ....
 — greenmantle

It's amusing you wrote this poem Years ago, and only now finally, it's #1. About time! ;) I remember this poem years ago when it got almost no notice. Just goes to show how funny this site can be. You did improve it a lot though, didn't you? It flows a lot better now than it did before. Though I liked it even then. I was the first to comment on it again too.. But I'm all anonymous now.. ;)
 — unknown

Thank you all so much for the positive critiques. I've been away for a long long time. I've been writing other things, been busy with college, been traveling quite a bit, but because of an e-mail from Ka, I'm back for a bit. I will definitely take your suggestion Green Mantle. Thank you much. I like the changes too...it highlights typos in critiques. I love it!

Now dishabillée, her silhouette
with risqué flair sans circumspect,
edged near to mine
which increased pines
to buss her lips just once. (or but once) Whichever sounds better.

I am going to change it to one of these...you've all been helpful so far with critiques...which sounds better? I'm leaning toward "just once" because "but once" sounds "old-fashioned."
 — MrChris

Also...do I even need to use variants of the word "kiss." The gimmick isn't to use a different word each time really, but rather to incorporate French words. Would using the word "kiss" each time be better instead of using the words buss and osculate? It'd make the new title "To Kiss a la Francaise."
 — MrChris

Or even, swelled my pine...

I don't want the word "accrue." It just isn't the best word for the poem. Another poem maybe, but not this one.
 — MrChris

This remains a delightful poem of gentle humor, and just risque enough to be "naughty";
that "pine".  What fine craft there is in this.   And it -is- humor in word play.
Note that the poem does not leave the reader feeling like crap?
I like that in a poem.
 — netskyIam

If I have a "crit", it's only of the title.  I don't see the repetition aiding the humor, really.
Why not just:   To Osculate à la Française
There you have it, and it's got the sound, too.
 — netskyIam

Maybe people didn't know how the french sounded, and how you'd cleverly rhymed them with english -- had they not got it, they could have just let it be. This is clever, and clever is good enough. This is the kind of verse that should really be published in some off-scale national media -- not "New Yorker", because it's not That clever, n'est ce pas? but at least "Playboy" or "Cosmo". A fun read.
 — joey

Good work Mor, ... I mean Chris
 — Maximilian

great
 — nickolae

teehee
 — UpAndDown

Hey. You need only claim the event of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all you have been and done, which may take some time, you are fierce with reality. Help me! Please help find sites for: International airline ticket. I found only this - airline ticket search. Airline tickets, service the matter program is showing typically separate. The role adopters are booking to buy up their services also, airline tickets. Thanks :-). Britany from Tonga.
 — unknown

J'adore le francais...et j'adore cet poeme aussi. :)
 — andyleggett

LOVE IT. How strange that I happened to stumble across this; I've lately been toying with the idea of a poem in a mixture of french and english. Very well done.
 — ishtarboy300

C'est tres bonne, bravo =]
 — Callisto

A very strong piece. I really enjoyed reading this.
 — psychofemale

nice
 — Clara

i'm french, and it's dEshabillée. don't play with the french language. but i still like this.
because it's got je-ne-sais-quoi
 — parasolgirl

http://www.cdfpr s.fr  maillot bayern 2018
http://www.m inihummer.fr  maillot de foot pas cher
http://www .crl-bretagne.fr  maillot pas cher
http ://www.chalet-des-mousses.fr  maillot psg pas cher
http://ww w.tsafermetures.fr  maillot de foot psg
http://www.k ellygreen.fr  maillot de foot pas cher 2018
http://www.ov erquick.fr  maillot foot pas cher
h ttp://www.pressing-de-la-comete.fr  maillot atletico madrid 2018
http://www.internationalartconsultants.fr  maillot griezmann
htt p://www.aubergebourbonnaise.fr  maillot neymar psg
h ttp://www.paschermaillotsdefoot.fr  maillot de foot enfant
http://www .tangocharlie.fr  maillot foot enfant
https://www.ae difis.fr  maillot paris 2018
http://www.cdrp8 3.fr  maillot de foot pas cher
http://www. uscompiegne.fr  Maillot Foot Pas Cher
 — unknown

0.591s