poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Bleeding Without You
sexless_stds

I realize this is a selfish thing I consider,
 1
but I consider it because I'm too weak
 2
to be anything other than selfish.
 3
To those who have been my friends and
 4
tried to help, it's not that you weren't good enough-
 5
I wasn't strong enough to outlive pathetic angst, and
 6
I'm just not welcome in my own life.
 7
Too many things are wrong,
 8
too many people gone.
 9
I'm in this up to my heart and I'm
 10
bleeding without you.
 11
Too many cares are on my shoulders.
 12
I maintain that I know who I am,
 13
but I'm too confused and lost to continue.
 14
Reality for me is another empty and
 15
meaningless day with little to anticipate.
 16

26 May 06

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Comments:

line 10 you forgot the y in you. And you have no punctuation.
 — Phoenix567

Keep bleeding.
 — DianaTrees

This is just excuses without a semblance of rhythm or structure. Everyone has emotions, not everyone expresses them without thought.
 — dandy

phoenix - gee, just helpful input. so glad you stopped by.

diana - you have three poems that are obvious attempts at seeming like some morbid unreachable bitch. you're just a twat like any other self-righteous girl.

dandy - you miss the point. just because you can't find some sort of rhythm when you read it, doesn't mean it isn't there, especially when used what it's meant for (lyrics).
 — sexless_stds

line 10, no comma after and.
 — unknown

the first "punctuation" comment that has actually been helpful at all. i agree, that comma definitely did mess with the flow
 — sexless_stds

This is poetry critical, ss. Not stroke-my-ego.

This is journal writing. Nothing more. Not even enough here to edit into poetry.

Your diatribe on my work was better written. You put thought into that. Emotion. Caring and hate.

Do the same on your poetry, and you'll have something worthwhile.
 — DianaTrees

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