When i am dust amongst a flight of birds,
release the suitcase stored beneath the stairs.
Line mantle shelf with all that rests in there,
then place each token here among these words.
Biscuit tin,where my lead soldiers lie,
jack in his box,bag of wooden tools.
Liberty bodice,spoon for castor oil,
Paper mache Indian brave, made in infant school
Detective set, with handcuffs card and badge,
cricket bail placed inside an urn.
Tub of dubbin,soaking football boot,
twelve times table that i never learned.
Aroma from the bakers down the street,
an apple sapped from "Old Man" Baileys field.
Teddy bear who watched me all night long,
mothers song within which sleep was sealed.
Sudden shower that cleansed my grimy face,
the dream of endless stairways through a maze.
First kiss that burned its tattoo on my lips,
the cherry blossom tree at which i gazed.
Guard them well these signposts of my past,
woven through the fabric of my days.
Wipe off the tears that fall upon this sheet,
be they those of happiness or grief.
27 May 06
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poignant i like it a lot
you should get rid of line 1 you have the title already it serves no purpose. well done otherwise
Its strange what you can come up with when your sat waiting for the wife in Sainsburys car park where i spend a lot of my time
Thanks for noticing.Job done.
Once I got past the random spacing, capital letters or lack of, and words squashed up against commas, I found a lovely poem. I like the collections of memory triggers especially the 'papier mache indian brave' which was both unusual and yet typical of a small boy's things. Lines 17 -20 are the best of the whole thing and combine dream with reality and a magic world very well, Ends well too.
As already noted, random spacing and odd punctuation make this difficult to read. However, it's worth every moment. I get the feeling that the previously mentioned spacing/punctuation is less laziness, and more a developing personal style.
This reminded me of my great uncles lead painted soldiers, half chewed up which my sister and I inherited! Some lovely images of innocence and time past to relate to :)
I am becoming increasingly concerned about my seeming inability to punctuate my own work but as I am very very old I can't seem to change my unpunctuated ways, try as I might. I read something once about a poet who paid his editor to do it and I believe that this could possible be common practice. To tell the truth I'm just glad that something spurts out that gives other people pleasure - perhaps i should rephrase that, but then again, can i be bothered?
larry the volcano lark.
no Diana, no I'm sorry it's not. I just can't seem to get the hang of it. i think it's something to do with the inside of my head. I think my brain is apostrophied - thanks anyway for the comment - its much appreciated,
larry coma lark.
you can't beat a lead soldier for sending grown up boys into nostalgia mode.
As has already been said by Diana, the punctuation doesn't bother me a bit. It's a lovely poem, and it doesn't over do it. Too often people try and say too much. I like how you keep it simple, but still meaningful. You have a lot of work on here, but I'm gonna make an effort to read all of it. Thanks.
Typo in Line 19, by the way. "Tattoo" is misspelled.
I didn't make it through the first reading without tears at the ready. This is simply beautiful. Some of the rhymes don't quite work, like urn and learned, but they fit anyway. They fit perfectly.
Damn you! hahaha
Okay, larry, i forgot your e-mail doesn't work, sent you another note. This is just wonderful.
Isabelle - assonance and half-rhyme often create a more subtle effect than a full on rhyme.
thanks for the spelling spot
I do so appreciate your replies and take a lot from them .For example your crit of Man At The Takeaway has made me realise i have to try and get a more consistant standard in my work,god ,doesn't that sound pompous,but then again it always seems much harder to be objective about your own stuff.
Larry stuff and nonsense Lark