poetry critical

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girl flashing an impressive pair.

do you want to call me? late at night, pre-sleep,physically
beside me, blooming. an eventual flower
for my own. into sleep with a joke,
a nod. pulling closer. evaporating what's left of
a few minutes ago.
do you want to call me from several telephones,all different colours,from neighboring houses or with a distance to push. shouting slurred, i can smell your
whiskey'd,peeling yourself
away for a show,
bare in the middle
for a mixed crowd. you are wrinkled and dried
between the pages of a book.
cheap, used bitch. i hate you now.
i am sighing for that.
you were soft.

11 Jun 06

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hate someone much but good poem
 — Dead_Freak

very angry??  kind of cocnfusing, but i like it!
 — unknown

 — OKcomputer

Overall, nice poem.

The first six lines were really nice and magical. This particular style most reminds me of Cummings. Was that what you were going for -- but perhaps with a new, contemporary twist to it?

The last two lines, also, made me smile and happily wrapped this up. Though, for some reason 7-15, while they "fit" with the context of the story, somehow feel a bit disjointed especially from the first six lines. It's as if you wrote the first six lines one day and came back a week later to write the next nine.

In the middle of those next nine lines (circa end of line 9 and line 10) I almost felt as if the author was "forcing" the style, whether the style just seeming to happen as they do in the first stanza.

But, like I said, overall nice poem. It leads for a nice aftermath and good title.
 — Rixes

in my wildest dreams i could never write this perfectly.
 — jumpoline

Overall, a very nice poem.
 — Steeleman