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Death of Mr. Goodbar Envy, 1931 (rev)
netskyIam

A portly stranger,
 1
whom I'll name here, "Sam Fats",
 2
exits Florida National Bank:
 3
 
 
Sunny steps. Sam stops.
 4
Sam unpockets—open,
 5
Sam, your candy bar.
 6
Sam has chocolate!—to share?
 7
Sam bites—Sam—stares.
 8
 
 
Sam clutches his chest.
 9
Sam keels—Sam
 10
jiggles—flat—still
 11
 
 
Sam's shiney shoes
 12
point toward heaven.
 13
 
 
Mister, get up?
 14
_______________
 15
 
 
The lone witness was four.
 16
 
 
Forty years later—revulsion, terror,
 17
when I offered my father
 18
a Mr. Goodbar.
 19

21 Jun 06

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http://tinyurl.com/nogzx
Period advert. for Mr. Goodbar
 — netskyIam

The Death of Mr. Goodbar Envy, 1931  



A stranger,  
'Sam Fats', exits the bank:  
    
Sunny steps.  
Sam stops.  
Sam unpockets. Open,  
Sam, your candy wrapper?  
Sam has chocolate. To share?  
Sam stares. Chest clutch.  
Sam keels, jiggles flat.  
Sam shoes aim at heaven.  
Sam, set up? yes
Sonny never again eats or thinks
Of Mr Goodbar
 — unknown

comma after Of in last line
 — unknown

I never rate. But if I did, this one would be high.

Typically, repitition of a single word bores the reader to the point of ignoring the repeated word. Not this time. Because the line breaks are handled deftly, and chosen for sonics as well as sense and sight, every line works.

This is brilliant.
 — DianaTrees

fou-year-old witness must be hyphenated.
 — DianaTrees

author reads the poem
http://tinyurl.com/kd4gq
(does the poem work ok?)
 — netskyIam

Oh, Diana: I forgot to thank you deeply for your helps of some time ago.
I've thought a lot about this poem and I do want it to be as sharp as possible.
The story is true. The "name" is made up.  The little boy was all alone. His pappy
had left him to wait outside while he did his banking.  The very fat man apppeared
through the doors.  Took a few steps.  Looked at my dad.  Produced a Mr. Goodbar.
Proceeded to unwrap it, as the tantalized boy pleaded with hungry eyes. The fat man
stared done the little boy, and offered nothing. Suddenly he dropped the candy,
grabbed his chest and collapsed and quivered to a stop.   And I never knew of this
until one evening when I happened to have a Mr. Goodbar at home, and innocently
offered to share with my dad.  He recoiled and said "NO! Get that away from me".
A genuine phobia. The only fear I ever knew him to have or to expose.  We never talked of it again, but that's when he related the story of how the phobia was implanted.

thanks,
Reid
 — netskyIam

revised,
new reading
http://tinyurl.com/sxwb8
 — netskyIam

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