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Carlos Fletcher-Felch
OKcomputer

I found him in his
 1
room
 2
sitting
 3
so
 4
comfortably and stupid and satisfied, having just
 5
 
 
 
 
finished eighteen of someone else
 6
                           's Oreos, and it was a sorry unjust sight
 7
that made my blood flow so hot in my cheeks so
 8
 
 
so
 9
 
 
so I bared my teeth and
 10
ran at him saying
 11
errrrrrrrr
 12
 
 
with my fists flying
 13
all over. He was
 14
covering himself
 15
and saying ow ow ow but
 16
 
 
i had hoped for more.
 17
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
so I grabbed him by his collar
 18
and threw him across the room so that
 19
his head met the wall
 20
and
 21
and after a second of shock he grabbed his crown
 22
 
 
started sobbing cradling his poor skull like a little dutch boy
 23
with red rosy cheeks might sob tragically for his cake
 24
plunging down
 25
into the dirt.
 26

7 Jul 06

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Comments:

   Oh, my, this is so delightfully twisted in content that my brain has been temporarily rendered incapable of comment on form & execution.  This is an excellent Fractured Fairy Tale.  Thanks so much for posting this, I'll come back for rating & critique later when my brain recovers.
 — mikkirat

Wow, this is great.
9
 — lieskilllies

He got just what he deserved  (a very satisfying read)
 — unknown

saying: "errrrrrr"

I'm so scard.

So you grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room.

True violence requires a baseball bat: at the very minimum
a 2 by 3.

one wimp whacks another. hardly the need for all that white


space.
 — DianaTrees

okay, but i feel like commiting murder because of all the -- so and but the la la err um ah Fuck! regardless of the style.
 — unknown

    The space and pauses here work well to create the breathless sound of an emotive confession; this could either be to a parent, a psychologist, or policeman, so the slight repetitions and white space work pretty well for me.  The last two stanzas slow down some, and seem to change tone, like the emotional charge is dissipating, and the narrative voice takes on some sarcasm, all to good effect.
   The only thing I would question is the size of the white space between lines 17 & 18.  While line 17, "I had hoped for more" ends on a full stop, the 'more' isn't given, and "so I grabbed him" (line 18) needs to follow sooner.
   Thanks again,
 — mikkirat

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