I found him in his
comfortably and stupid and satisfied, having just
finished eighteen of someone else
's Oreos, and it was a sorry unjust sight
that made my blood flow so hot in my cheeks so
so I bared my teeth and
ran at him saying
with my fists flying
all over. He was
and saying ow ow ow but
i had hoped for more.
so I grabbed him by his collar
and threw him across the room so that
his head met the wall
and after a second of shock he grabbed his crown
started sobbing cradling his poor skull like a little dutch boy
with red rosy cheeks might sob tragically for his cake
into the dirt.
7 Jul 06
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Oh, my, this is so delightfully twisted in content that my brain has been temporarily rendered incapable of comment on form & execution. This is an excellent Fractured Fairy Tale. Thanks so much for posting this, I'll come back for rating & critique later when my brain recovers.
Wow, this is great.
He got just what he deserved (a very satisfying read)
I'm so scard.
So you grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room.
True violence requires a baseball bat: at the very minimum
a 2 by 3.
one wimp whacks another. hardly the need for all that white
okay, but i feel like commiting murder because of all the -- so and but the la la err um ah Fuck! regardless of the style.
The space and pauses here work well to create the breathless sound of an emotive confession; this could either be to a parent, a psychologist, or policeman, so the slight repetitions and white space work pretty well for me. The last two stanzas slow down some, and seem to change tone, like the emotional charge is dissipating, and the narrative voice takes on some sarcasm, all to good effect.
The only thing I would question is the size of the white space between lines 17 & 18. While line 17, "I had hoped for more" ends on a full stop, the 'more' isn't given, and "so I grabbed him" (line 18) needs to follow sooner.