| A Mist of Feelings
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eggenbegger
| hope you like it, i wrote it awhile ago, but it's not my best.
| The waves rush to shore, | 1 |
spraying me with a mist of deep green. | 2 |
I love the sound of waves thrashing against the rocks, | 3 |
and the squishy sand between my toes. | 4 |
This feeling of freedom never lasts, | 5 |
but I enjoy it for a short while. | 6 |
It's like the ocean soaks up all my worries, | 7 |
all your fears and pains of the world. | 8 |
The wind blows through my hair, | 9 |
relaxing my mind and putting it at ease. | 10 |
As the sound of the seagulls and the ocean mix, | 11 |
I think of heaven and how great it will be. | 12 |
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18 Jul 06 |
Rated 6 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 6
Inactive (10): 3, 6, 6, 7, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(9 more poems by this author)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
any comments??
— unknown
The whole ocean thing is overdone, in my opinion. So, your poem would have to be magnificent to make an impression.
— FemmeInLA
how is it overdone, can you tell me please.
— unknown
??
— unknown
pleease tell me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
— unknown
i need to know, so i can fix my errors!
— unknown
awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!
— unknown
This is a little disjointed. Lines 3-4; what about them? What about the sounds and the squish?
Good poetry, unless it's a spoof, does not say, "It's like." It seems, it's as though, but not "it's like." That's not good writing, it's early writing of new poets.
I don't get Heaven out of this, not at all, just how good this ocean moment feels. You've said nothing in the poem that would point us to feeling as good as Heaven.
— Isabelle5
this was writtenin high school i presume.
I wrote one in 11th grade almost identical in ideas if not in words.
put it away in a scrapbook.
— unknown
whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
— eggenbegger
A special little poem, carried me away for a moment.
— callingcard
I'm not sure if "cracking" works in line 3, perhaps thrashing? I know crashing is the obvious choice, but you probably wanted to avoid it as its been done so mant times before. Smacking would be a good choice.
Sqiushing sand is goo, but squishing is not a sound but a feeling, so it doesn't work after line 3.
Love the ending.
Love the poem actually.
— icepineapple
thank you!!! : ) It makes me happy, and feel confident about my work! thanks!
— unknown
cool, i love the visuals of the ocean smashing the rocks, and the squishing of the sand inbetween your feet. I actually felt like i was there. This is a great poem! 10!
— unknown
I really like how you said the ocean feels as though it soaks up all your worries. When i went to the ocean, and walked around, it felt the same. I could never phrase it as well as you did though! great job! (same unknown as the one above)!
— unknown
i think that FemmeInLA meant that the topic of the ocean is overdone not necessarily your poem. you need to capitalize the "i" in line 6 but that's minor. You're jumping tenses past and present
— xtormentedx
is this a better title?
— unknown
It goes better with the idea of the poem
— xtormentedx
i changed a little in the poem, it it better also?
— unknown
do you like it better?
— unknown
that flows better. the way that you write is very descriptive and can make people picture what it is you're trying to say
— xtormentedx
Love this poem.
— bleach
thanks both of you! : ) this means a lot to me, really!!!
I'll reveal myself now...
— eggenbegger
The only thing that makes me sad about my work, is that it will probably never get to the recent best or top rated. Not that i don't think i'll make it, but it doesn't sound as good as the other ones in the top rated and recent best.
— eggenbegger
oh...
— unknown
this is a great poem, great imagery and wording! i feel like i'm in it.
— unknown
good.......
— unknown
um...thanks...
— ThousandSuns
no problem, i loved that one poem!
— eggenbegger
...
— unknown
...
— unknown
I like the way you've defined the squish and the thrashing here. Makes it more potent, we're there with dirty feet. I still say you need to change "It's like." That is average writing, not good writing. The ocean seems to soak up...
You also need to change the you and I, make it one or the other.
The beginning is about me.
Later you say, "The ocean soaks up your worries,"
next lines say my hair and my mind.
Choose a pronoun and stick with it throughout.
Is sand squishy? I still don't see why you suddenly think of Heaven. I saw a great cloud over the ocean last week and it looked like an angel blowing a trumpet. That definitely made me think Heaven but not just the ocean and the wind, etc. You have to make a connection between the seaside and Heaven, there isn't one currently.
Imc
— Isabelle5
Yes, sand can be squishy once it is wet...It's my oppinion if I think about Heaven because I saw the ocean. Somethings make you think of random things, don't they!?! Yes, so what's the difference with me? I was just putting down what I thought and felt. There isn't any wrong way to put it, because it was from me.
— unknown
right!
— unknown
very nice
— unknown
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