The lion chewing his bars,
is not more cross than I.
If gleaming fangs could bend the steel,
or iron filings make a meal,
then red mist soup to me appeals,
sucked through straw to foaming mouth.
Rave and salivate, North, East, South,
one left hook, my senses douse.
Remind me please when I’ve been floored,
and wonder why I’ve been k.o.’d,
next time when I’m about to blow,
crack your knuckles against my jaw.
4 Aug 06
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First verse, no comma end of line 1. It's otherwise just about perfect.
Second stanza, not sure that it matches the first. You got too close and got knocked out by the lion, is that right?
My senses douse, odd line.
Remind me, please, when I've been floored
and wonder why I've been ko'd (or po'd?? It is about anger management, after all).
This is a parody , an absurd reflection of the man who loses his temper among intemperate men , whose solution is to take him out. If you hang out among the guys who think with their fists your brain will dissolve into the reddest of mists. Thanks for the crit Isabelle,if anyone is a diamond you are it.
it is a little stilted but the point comes across clearly.
It is a different sort of poem than you usually write.
I enjoyed it.
Larry, you have to remember that zircons looks suspiciously like diamonds! But thanks!
(Honey, do these parens make me look fat??)
I usually have a few revisions and sometimes a bit of guidance from my better half before throwing myself to the fates and furies of this site. The fact that i didn't maybe accounts for the fact that itis a little laboured. Thanks for the crit
I would say without my glasses that you make a fine spectacle Isabelle.
Larry perfectly formed lark
what this says is great, and greatly shown. but what does k.o.'d mean? the rest is the best.
Dear Listen K. O.'d means knocked out cold.
is this about the decadence of the west?