poetry critical

online poetry workshop

poem for J.M.R.V. regarding his absence and my brother feels the same way.

When you're not here, i find myself more     so very
productive; sometimes to
impose it upon my stale eyes to continue
fighting through the same faggy illustrative paragraph over
and over
quite enough at least for mere comprehension
but more  so
to remove myself or my
self or my brain from a terrible tragic
and pathetic
want.  when you're not here I get all wrapped up
in life and its news, unusually intent on fulfilling something
extraordinary and earth-shattering, my mind always wired and bzzzing and
starving for
those meaty gratifications of the unafraid;
my dreams more colorful and significant and
full of sex. It seems
that lately I am more careful to choose my socks from the drawer with forethought
to color and length, spending those extra seconds in choosing, pulling them over
my ankles
uniformly and without bias. I make sure my eyebrows are well-groomed and each hair
lays relaxed against those following, and that my lips have no unsightly cracking peeling or sometimes bleeding areas, and each little pore on my even-tempered face
assured free of that dark clog or whatisit. When you're away
it's far more a satisfying thing to
consider humankind and cry   at night sitting there at my window
with a child's telescope aimed at the black overhead
hoping for some sudden surge of light to fly like hell through large empty spaces but
never seeing anything at all. It was cold last night
and it was raining outside and in the living room
there were two small spiders creeping all pretty and identical along the clean white ceiling but still
two separate spiders on two separate sides of the world
And I studied them quietly
and to myself.

5 Aug 06

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Why on Earth no one's commented this, I don't know. I'm at work right now so I can't give it proper attention but know that I will, later.

 — musicwords

Thank goodness I was on to comment on it. You made up some words in this poem, but that's okay. I give you a 6. Not bad at all. Shows skill, but not much. 6/10
 — Henry

You know...I was unfair here. It's better than I thought. 8/10 The title was a bit long however.
 — Henry

This is awesome OKC, sorry I didn't come back to it earlier. The sense of loss here...no not loss, longing. It's profound in its truthfulness, how we distract ourselves with things that would normally mean nothing when we have something to keep our mind off. Indulging in self-examination and tears.

Brushing our hair before bed.

I loved this.

 — musicwords