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Late Summer Cruising
larrylark

Prophetic dreams, conspicuous
 1
in a hovel of shrinking imagination.
 2
Ripe cherries flatten against low slung car,
 3
where early summer echo of exhaust fumes
 4
hung on orchard blossom.
 5
Take the half made road,
 6
laughing through beach sand most nights.
 7
Cruising alterations to coastal bends,
 8
tracks flung over faint elevations,
 9
brake among wave.
 10
Imbibe salt from feckless spray, left  tangled,
 11
straying among ebb tides.
 12

11 Aug 06


(define the words in this poem)
(623 more poems by this author)



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Where did the cherries come from? Falling out of your dreams? Or the hovel?

And where did the hovel come from?

ah.... I see ... a shrinking imagination.

It's all clear now.
 — DianaTrees

HHHHHOOOOOOO

get you, I'm really surprised that you didn't rewrite it instead of coming on all bitchy. Stick to rewrites, you do them marginally better.

Larry sandstone Lemon
 — larrylark

Larry

Too many gutless people here to offer you critiques: They don't understand what you write, hence they're silent, holding their tongues lest they prove ignorance.

I was unfair (and very drunk) in my first review of this work. It deserves more: It deserves better.

Prophetic dreams, conspicuous
in a hovel of shrinking imagination.

"Prophetic dreams" are the words of preachers, lunatics and would-be poets. You combined those two words with an excellent line break in "conspicuous," yet the "hovel of shrinking imagination" doesn't do much to exapand on that thought. Looking at those first two lines I can almost see a whirling dervish huddled in exhaustion, or perhaps a monk who has whipped himself into submission.

But what follows doesn't carry the thought, doesn't take me to a place stamped out by the vision above.


Ripe cherries splat the low slung car,
where early summer echo of exhaust fumes
hung on orchard blossom.

Ripe cherries do not splat anything. They fall. They thud/thump/sqoosh. They don't splat unless thrown. Even over-ripe tomatoes need impulse. The low-slung car comes out of nowhere -- maybe as it should be, as Vettes, Porsches and other annoyances have a habit of appearing in one's rearview mirror without notice. But this has an unreal aspect.

Take the half made road,
laughing through beach sand most nights.
Cruising alterations to coastal bends,
tracks flung over faint elevations,
brake among wave.

A play on "the road less traveled," and done well. These four lines work. They're solid, and have the ring of knowledge.

Imbibe salt from feckless spray, left  tangled,
straying among ebb tides.

"Feckless" is a word too-often used in poetry. In describing spray from the ocean, it has a no-shit factor: feckless means "not fit to assume responsibility"
------------------------------------------------

You have a solid sense for rhythm and line breaks. Your images -- in this work -- need more attention.
 — DianaTrees

i like getting all of this in one breath. to critique would say you need to expand on such single lines as the first, line eight. they would say length could be a good thing. they would say this has too much going on ironically for such a short piece, and would say this because some of your previous pieces focus on one major incidence to form into precedence of delivering your concept or idea, and this doesn't, how does it get from dreams, to, straying (among ebb tides, of all things, so redundant.) maybe as listen i would like to see this going in a different direction, of refocusing everything to make it a bit longer and see what happens, and maybe spread out the concentration, maybe overly concentrated portions; but then again that's why i say i like this in once breath. because indeed upon reread i see you switching from place to place too quickly, wasn't it supposed to be a cruise (unless that was the irony. in which case, you used it well.)
 — listen

ebb tides is needed to end the rhythm in here, almost deserving seperation from the rest. i suppose splatting cherries is okay if one believes the wild metaphor that the tree is throwing away its offspring.
 — listen

i really like lines three through five, the extra dimension on hung, i can't seem to capture it again, but will later. cherries seem a little out of place only because it's an unclear symbol, but physically is used, because of its ties to "orchard blossom," reverting back to symbolism.
 — listen

Dear Diane

I apologise for being a little short with you the other day. Thia poem is an experiment in attempting to create a dream like atmosphere through the use of imagery that is disparate and does not necessarily hang together, the visual references taking primacy over a logical or sequential motif  or story I have always been interested in surrealism and the primary image in my mind when writing this was one of those super real/unreal mesmerising shots in one of  Hitchcock's films,you can probably maybe recall it specifically-where the car is driven seemingly precariously along The Pacific Highway with its headlights sweeping the road as it goes round the bends, a bit like me , tee hee, and seems certain to tip off the road and down onto the rocks below. I guess its that classic dream like sequence when either control is relinquished ,or taken away.I don't think it works too well and some of the points you make are excellent.I write pretty quick and employ a kind od scatter gun style which sometimes does not do my original concept justice but all poetry is reaching through the veil and handling stuff we are not sure of, or what form it will take .If we were certain of what we were reaching for i don't think we would bother and there would be no point.Had a great holiday by the way in Offa country on the Welsh border.Every day like early Sunday morning ,which is of course filled with portents and guilt and strangely redundant and left over memories of early attempts to evade a religious upbringing,thats Sunsay morning for you, well for me. Thanks again for taking the trouble I think you can see how much i appreciare your crits.

Larry In dreams Lark
 — larrylark

Dear Listen

Hi and sorry i havn't replied sooner as I've been away on holiday which is of course great and gets one away from obsessively tapping on the computer and into fresh air and scenery which stretches out into a mysterious and all pervading  silence.This poem is an experiment ,attempting to move closer maybe to what i want to write about, you know, splatting cherries etc etc. Your excellent crits have shown me that the poetry highway does stretch a million miles in front of me and that the journey down it is never ending

Thanks once more

Larry
 — larrylark

Finally! An intelligent poem with intelligent comments...am I spelling intelligent correctly? (I am for some reason a horrible speller...*frown*)
to continue...

I judge this is the revised version?
L's 1-2 work well for me; I think a great deal is the beat you establish from the offset. I too like the "prophetic dreams-conspicuous" combo, it gives pause.
"Low slung" tripped me up. I took it to mean some--I dunno--sleek, shiny thing rich-kid thing but past that I didn't get much. Am I supposed to? Am I supposed to get some image of class or money? If not, why mention its position to the ground?  Am I just missing something here? Is this a "guy" thing perhaps?
Then, line's 4 and 5--is 4 missing a word, or am I pausing incorrectly?--I wonder this because the beat is dramatically different from L's 1 and 2--I didn't scan them or anything yet so I'm just going on impulse right now.  And "hung" of L5--Whereas Listen liked the extra dimension, it confuses the hell out of me. I could just be dimwitted, but shouldn't it be present tense? Or is "fumes" the verb and then...? I admit your verbs are distracting me.
"Half made," or "Half-made" ?
I almost think "alterations" could be done away with...on one hand I can see why you'd want to keep it in there because of the natural associations it brings, but with the half made  (or whatever lol) bit that implication is already secure...plus I like the play of sounds with that next line or two:

Cruising to coastal bends,
tracks flung over faint elevations,
brake among wave.

But as DianaTrees mentioned, these smack of wisdom, and what you have obviously works; this is just my humble opinion of what might work as well.

O yeah, scratch feckless. *wrinkles nose* Can't place it (other than comment below) but it just doesn't fit.

Overall:
I LOVE the sounds in this; absolutely phoenomenal job on that. The verbs trip me up, but that could just be me.  Although--Diana I think--noted your images need work, I disagree. They don't need work, but perhaps a little balance; the cherry-orchard leads into the car-leads into the sea rather, oh, at an uneven gallop. Is this the way of it? If so, very well done, but I wonder if stanza spacing might bring it out more. Either way, it's visually clear to me now, whatever it is or isn't to others. I think that may be what Listen was hitting on when he said the cherries seem out of place. --By the way though, it's disjointed in a way that works. And definitely scatch "feckless"--I keep glancing up and disliking it more and more.

Thank you so much for the first read tonight I enjoyed! Oh Yeah and I just re-read this, my Gawd good job on the sounds, you've really outdone yourself. L10--Awefully Tremendous Stupendous.

brake among wave.

damn. *shakes head* that's really f-ing good.

anyhow, toodles. the vicadin's keeping me up tonight I think...
 — gem_grrrl

Dear Gem Grrrrr

I feel honoured to be the recipient of such an extensive and well though out crit which is really helpful. Thanks for lifting some scales from off my eyes.

Larry
 — larrylark

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