| heat/dirt/poetry
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bleach
| Curious gold | 1 |
fingers spreading | 2 |
themselves all over | 3 |
my body in the heat | 4 |
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The dirt beneath me | 5 |
has never been | 6 |
so kind | 7 |
holding my vagrancy | 8 |
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Stars glitter | 9 |
the skyline | 10 |
cliche hits | 11 |
my brain | 12 |
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it's poetry time | 13 |
again. | 14 |
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20 Aug 06 |
Rated 8 (8.8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 5, 8
Inactive (4): 8, 9, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(16 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
Wow. Tjis kind of sums it all up. Wonderfully creative, I like your style. Good idea having the last two lines stand alone, adds impact. Love the idea of the first verse, and the second is interesting. 3rd is v. clever.
— themorrigan
seriously cool. A little abstract, but it works. Love the curious glod fingers, and the ending is very clever.
— callingcard
Tequilla slammers on a beach again?
— unknown
interesting. Good line formatting. Line 8 mdoesn't really make sense to me, maybe you should say holding my vacancy? Or somethinf like that. Like the poem a lot.
— icepineapple
okay, fixed that, changed it to vagrancy which is really what i meant. Changed title too. Anything else wrong that I need to fix?
— bleach
This last line is awful "brain - again" I think if you wrote "its time again for poetry" even that would sound better than that doggerell line.
But saying that I like this poem especially lines 5-8 and yes vagrancy is the right word. See I can be constructive!
— Tentative
Reminds me of my Ex. Like something he would write.
I really like this poem, however, I'm never a fan of the no-caps technique unless it is really helping a poem (here, in which case, it is not). Otherwise, great write.
— WordsAndMe
bleach I feel I was a bit harsh in my previous critique, its obvious you're very talented. Forgive?
— Tentative
seriously Tentative? Thank you so much! Don't worry about giving harsh critiques, I usually deserve them! I'm not really a serious poet, i just try.
— bleach
I love "Holding my vagrancy"
The line maketh the poem
— PollyReg
It sounds like you felt a "poem coming on." I've had those moments to, but it's not till I take the idea and sitdown and write that anything comes of it. Not bad at all poet. Abstract indeed.
— MrChris
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