|grocery shopping for the schizophrenics
my first job out of college
was as a mental health counselor
at a non profit
in iowa city
lived at the residential house
on birch street
i had 150$
to buy groceries
i never made a budget
or a plan
but i always got what was needed
with enough left over for
james' king size snickers
marlboros for carol
kim's tube of cookie dough
and a cosmo
because she was studying to be an actress
for when god stopped fucking with her
30 Aug 06
Rated 9 (8) by 2 users.
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2nd stanza? more like a letter not poetic.
I understand the subject matter as I have worked in this environment but this does not read well as a poem.
Also, did you have no respect for the "schizphrenics"?
L22 what do you mean, "when god stopped fucking with her"?
Ecept for the misplaced $ sign, this is really quite good, I think. I could mention lack of caps but I'm tired.
very interesting. the wording is a bit jagged, but your diction is good.
Great poem Knock out last couple of lines. I have given up listening to the voices ,they just argue themselves to sleep over football, Kings and Queens and whether men with man boobs should wear bras.
Larry tit head Lark
I deal with a similar theme in 'A Polish Airman's Last Days'. I like the factual style, the lack of upper case letters and the understated yet sympathetic voice and the observation at the end. Good stuff.
I really adore this one... I can't really even provide critique, as it's great as it is.
^^2 carats up^^
Sometimes the truth is enough.
Scrub that: the truth is always enough.
I like this...I don't like lines 11-14, cause they're a bit too obvious phrased.
But I really, really like the last stanza.
Perfection in a poem.
Having grown up around the mentally ill this definitely hits home, and though the line breaks feel a bit off, I'm not sure how I'd suggest an alternative. This is a beautiful piece.
I is a proper noun; it needs capitalization. You also lack punctuation.
But aside from that, this is very good. :]
really like this, it's strangely warm and homely despite the subject. It sort of ambles along. Love all the details. Great ending too.
I like this. I live in iowa about like 45 minutes from Iowa City exciting right? Not really but anyways I liked the poem.
When does the prose with line breaks stop here? You write prose, why be shy about it.
Otherwise, your last two lines are the only point to reading this, and if you're likening schizophrenia with being fucked by god, it's a rather poor cop-out to stack your rather bland prose on. It will appeal to readers who like to can and label shit though.
This poem kicks booty! I LOVE it! I worked with MH patients too for a time and I can totally relate to all of it! Absolutely incredible writing from experience and the inspiration is obvious from beginning to end. Awesome! \"10.\"
p.s. I like the lower case, but it makes it a little challenging for the reader to decipher where the sentences begin/end. You might wanto to change this just a bit. I would also write out the word "dollars" in L9. That will help this to look more like a poem than an invoice.
oops....what I mean in L9 is to do this:
one hundred and fifty dollars
to buy groceries.
im schizophrenic and a poet....i share your sentiments exactly
line 22 take out "for" it reads better without it.
Otherwise I love this poem, such a lovely succinct sketch. It also has a great little snippet of the author's concern for his/ her clients that can be gleaned by lines 11-22. And that last line is awesome just make the small change I suggested.
some of your stanzas canbe combined. The ending stanza need to be short like the top...
think its a greatpoem
good except for the last line.
the last line's the best
Hey...I just saw that you asked what I ran in the 1/4 on my poem "My Friday Night Lights"...
I was in my 94 Volvo 960, and I ran a best of like 17@82 with a .519 light...it's a heavy car, but it was great to learn how to get a jump on the lights! I love racing...
And I like the basicness of this poem. It reads like a story.
I like it a lot and it DOES read like a poem. Just the right mix of humor and compassion! Great!
incredible. last line is perfect. thank you.
The last line is the worst.
a cynnical vivid image .
great job, i really like the last line tres impactful.
overall, awesome read.
I really like what you have to say here. Would it be wrong of me to ask you to look at it without the first stanza (not pertinent) and changed into the present tense? Just look at it that way and see if you like it better.
I think you might be onto something there.
Thanks for the suggestion.
all who like the last line: if you believe in God, do you also believe that he owes you anything? what would be the basis for such a belief?
I don't believe God owes us anything, but I think the majority of people feel that he's either on their side or the one screwing everything up for them.
I like this poem. I agree it could be improved by changing it to present tense.
With extensive experience with the homeless and schizophrenics I could not stop smiling while reading this. Being anti-religion didn't help that at the end. thanx 4 th smiles lol
Above critique. I love your way of finishing here
J, how about come see the new forum we've started?
Lend a bit of your gloss--or half of a flat beer will suffice too.
(copy and paste; links here are dead lately)
Thanks for the poem justin. It's not a new one, but it was new to me.
09 08 07
Great finish doesn't make up for the rest