poetry critical : poem

klug

when i showed up as a temp	1
he'd already put in thirty years	2
at the ryko factory	3
in des moines iowa	4

the machine he operated	5
took big pieces of stainless	6
bent them into the frames of coin boxes	7
for the large drive through car washes	8

i unloaded backbreaking shipments	9
of raw iron, aluminum and stainless	10
from the back of semis	11

klug's machine	12
was right across from the area	13
where we stacked the piles of metal	14

the other temp and i	15
often sat idle for half an hour or more	16
waiting on the next semi	17
and i took notice of klug	18

he always wore the same	19
camouflaged cabela's hat	20
and took his lunch alone	21
in the cafeteria	22

i even memorized	23
his technique	24

red button three times	25
yellow two	26
brown once	27

between button pushings	28
he folded his arms across his chest	29
looked skyward in contemplation	30

i sat down across from him	31
one afternoon	32
in the cafeteria	33

my name is justin	34
i held out my hand	35

he didn't extend his	36

listen,	37
i kept on	38

i watch you sometimes	39
at your machine	40
you seem to be in deep thought	41

which is contrary	42
to most around here	43

what are you	44
thinking about?	45

he finished his bite	46
of tuna fish	47

wiped his mouth	48

looked at me	49
with white eyes	50
they were white	51

you really	52
want to know?	53

i nodded	54

he pulled a piece of notebook paper	55
from his wallet	56

drawn on it	57
were two red saucers	58
stacked on top of each other	59

i'm designing the perfect	60
hummingbird feeder	61
he says	62

you ever had a hummingbird	63
buzz	64
right up underneath your nose?	65

well, let me tell you	66
it almost makes sitting right here	67
with you	68
worth it	69

3 Sep 06

Rated 7.3 (7.7) by 8 users.

Active (8): 1, 1, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (13): 5, 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(12 more poems by this author)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)

dia
Krttika
Tentative
topop

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Comments:

With a title like "klug", I had no idea what this was going to be about. I've been a social worker for 36 years, met a lot of people most of whom I liked. Strangely enough, I like "Klug", even if he seems a bit odd. After all, aren't most of us if you look deep enough? Nice work!
— wamblicante

I love this poem its got a certain griitty reality that only comes from working poems  Reminded me a lot of my favourite poets like Raymond Carver and Anthony lawrence who wrote about working in timbermills or on fishing trawlers etc. I love how you write using such simple evocative language.
Your ability to use dialogue to show character is great.
This is truly a great poem I rated you up a ten.
Forget the internet send it to the New Yorker!
— Tentative

Brilliant observation - great read
— dia

hahaha i luvv the endd...brillianceee..
— UrbanAng3l

this a great piece. very Bukowski-esque - not only in its form and style but in the subject matter too. echoes of the beat generation in here too with klug as a poor laborer character whose personality you manage to reveal beautifully here. cheers.

I think this could use a little trimming, though. I work rework stanza 1, particularly lines 1, 2, and 5. between lines 11 and 18, the reader can gather that you were a grunt temp laborer, so I don't think it's necessary to come out and say it in the first line. also, the date, to me at least, seems insignificant. I don't think there's any real reason to establish a firm time period here; I think it's information the reader could do without. L5, too - I like how you're setting up the specifics here - but keep in mind that the crux of the poem is klug and the factory; I'd rather see you go into more detail about him and the factory than the specific time and location. these are the strongest parts of the piece.

the last stanza felt a little out of place. it's not until here, at line 70, that you engage the reader directly in the second person. to me it felt sudden and forced. I like the sentiment here though - the idea that unraveling this character's more gentle side makes all of the grunt labor more tolerable - but I would approach this in a different way than suddenly introducing a "you" here.

overall a very good piece. you kept my interest until the end, and you did a great job of presenting both your character and the setting.
— theair

It would be so much easier to read if you laid it out like prose.
— unknown

it might work better as a short story. i thought fdostoev2 wrote this?
— unknown

Arg. Capitalize. Please.
— Pillbox

isn't l70 klug addressing the writer??  that's how i read it, and i'm therefore still an observer of the scene.  punctuation might clear up the ambiguity :-p

great read, thanks
— oracle

This  is just prose.
— CrunchyWeta

loooooooove this. totally unexpected ending. brilliant.
— caustic

We're all just making tents.  This is a great story.  Is it a poem?  I'm too tired this morning after Labor Day to care.
— Isabelle5

After reading this further, I would have to agree with "theair" about the date, it seems unecessary. Taking it out tightens this piece significantly. Also in line twelve "backbreaking" is implied, so I think it works better if this is left out.
and in line 24 I am not entirely convinced about "took" instead of "ate". The word contrary stick out like the dogs proverbials on line 45, actually I have the feeling that you could take out line 45 and 46 without injury to the poem. Also line 54 should be cut as well. And line 58 - "I nodded" this is implied as well, just cut the line. also line 69 comes across as a speech tag and can be taking out.
I still really like this poem - now publish and be damned.
— Tentative

This could definitely be condensed and at first seems more like a rant or a poem read at a shout-out...but definitely improved toward the end. If you can convey this in less words, please do. I know it can be done. All these words may seem necessary, but probably aren't. Nice, well-written poem however.
— MrChris

All,

thanks for reading.

Justin.
— unknown

brilliant. thats amazing. ahh!!
— topop

Interesting, although I found it a bit long and was kind of losing interest through the middle.  Not sure if this is a poem but I still liked it.  More capitals are needed especially 'I' for example line 64.
— propoet50

I love this poem, from start to finish.
A hummingbird once flew right up to my mouth,
apparently attracted to the red lipstick I was wearing.
We made eye contact while he floated there in front of me.
I relate to Klug ;-)
— Krttika

I definitely think this could use some trimming down, there seems to be excess here, bt I'm not sure if it's what you say, or the way you say it.

That said, this piece gives some real depth to a character we were never quite sure of up until that last moment. I don't see the end as, er, funny, as some people seem to, but I think it's brilliant all the same; It changes this man from a one-dimensional construction thug to, well, human. It's beautiful.
— WindingRhyme

Truly fine enigmatic poem which looks at so many issues surrounding repetative  labour
— larrylark

all,

thank you for the comments and suggestions.

Justin.
— jjjjhyde

great poem, it took me right in - lovely turn at the end
— kendell

read this out loud. i love it out loud. it's like you're there telling it.
— yellowbird

the last half became good poetry after a too narrative first half
— poetbill

I love it! :)
— CNC92

not backbreaking!  You killed me with backbreaking!  It was going so well and I had to stop!  No pity!  Just cut the word and we can be friends, man, say heavy or an exact amount, but no no pity
— bykguy2000

down where the humming bird goes to die

contemplate
— unknown

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