poetry critical

online poetry workshop



just drink a lot of water
OKcomputer

candles, softly wasting. i think
 1
it indicates change, some dream
 2
has passed, some twisted bone
 3
twisting back.
 4
 
 
everyone has a sore throat,
 5
feeling heavy,motionless.
 6
lying around on the floor
 7
in a pile of people,
 8
limbs protruding here and there
 9
breathing slowly and
 10
slightly ill-fitted
 11
with red faces.
 12
gripping one another
 13
trying to reverse
 14
what's plural.
 15
 
 
there is what seems to be
 16
a forest fire
 17
outside of the window,
 18
peeping in
 19
on the sleepers,
 20
moving quickly and fevered,
 21
licking trees.
 22
it is probably the end of the world.
 23
we groan.
 24
 
 
someone shifts. exhales.
 25
the sun swings in
 26
through the crooked blinds.
 27
 
 
I reach for someone particular
 28
in brown corduroys, bare torso,
 29
inanimate, dead --
 30
and i pull him closer
 31
pushing my face against
 32
the back of his neck, inhaling.
 33
i cannot swallow without aching
 34
and sadness, vaguely.
 35
some swollen red flesh
 36
pulsating. everyone feels it.
 37
it hurts.
 38

13 Oct 06

Rated 10 (7.3) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (15): 1, 1, 3, 3, 5, 6, 6, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(5 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

This poem is appealing. yet somewhat confusing. i think you should be more direct with the actions going on in the poem. especially at the end. Good work though. I like the format and punctuation.
 — x2jocelyn2x

you are and make beautiful
it is a wonderful thing that you lend us
favorited
 — onklcrispy

I second onkle's comment, you beatiful, beautiful thing
there with you, all the way with the line breaks, the choice of words, the plethora of emotional and physical states ...
This is wonderful, allows for sharing ... though perhaps only a groan
"licking trees" is fantastic
Thank you, thank you
maria
 — slancho

y'all might wanna try
a greasy meal f'r brekkie...
this is just too good (and i don't
even like readin')
one suggestion-i'd'a be remoooooooooovin'
L19,20-peeping????
this poem would not mourn th' loss
of that image...
well done
 — chuckles

this is my favorite poem i have written.
 — OKcomputer

I really liked reading this, intresting and entertaining
 — blinddarksun

pretty good, a little too abstract - lacks concrete action.
 — unknown

wow.

glad i stumbled on this
today.
: )
 — fractalcore

this is another one i like of yours OK computer....keep writing...
 — brother_sun

"this is my favorite poem i have written." - i agree, nice read.
 — syrossoul

i believe this confuses me, but intrigues me and makes me want to understand. it draws me in.

maybe it's just because i'm wasted. the lines are simple. short sentences. but they produce beauty in mass quantities. and they make me want to understand.

re-read and rating comes tomorrow, along with sobriety.

love.
 — mould_jesus

Haha Mould Jesus, hey weren't you someone else before? I can't remember right now because I spent the entire weekend wasted. Literally wasted. Utterly used up.
 — OKcomputer

Oh, AEOS1
 — OKcomputer

I like it. :)
 — CNC92

scary.
 — Anachocolata

wicked good.
 — SarahMichele

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