my small god secures
feathered birds suspended
steadily above my head,
hanging there all beautiful
and sometimes there
i wear a nest
with new birds beginning and some
times there i wear a warm
yellow sun with everything underneath
except in the night when nothing
exists, and i wear nothing there
unless it is a grey raincloud
with harsh light jutting outward
disarming my body
blinding my eyes
and somehow then i believe
in figments of you
warm in,my arms but really
embracing only my self
and wearing hats.
23 Oct 06
Rated 8 (8.5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (14): 1, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(88 more poems by this author)
(3 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Such a simple title for a very complex poem. I'll give you a complex rating. (8 times 1).
Thank you Henry. :)
It's a very nice and well thought-out poem.
I don't think I have any crits of this (ha ha, "war" poem).
Looking for "flaws", do you really suppose that a metaphorical grey raincloud
would "jut" "harsh" light? and is "outward" a needed word there? In a dream cloud
we suppose harsh jutting light is possible--is it lightning? But if so, say so?
Hmmm.. it's a good poem anyway. I like the finish too.
L20 has a comma between in and my. It should just be a space.
I don't get the small god part. What statement are you trying to make there, or perhaps you just thought it sounded good.
Is this about you in hats trimmed with birds and such, or is this about the sky who wears different hats all the time? If it is about you, then the lightening hat is unbelievable. If it is about the sky, then L19 & 20 are not in line with it.
I like it, but just don't know what to do with it. I feel it will benefit greatly from a few minor changes.
I like this a lot, I will try to come back tomorrow.
I'm back, I still like it- there's something about it that's so deep yet slightly silly that really gets me.
great wurdz, awesome rhyme,
i don't know enuff 'bout this
stuff t' suggest anythin'...
Nice, fun imagery...hats and birds, nice combo. Its nice to read a poem that is not cliche. Why the comma in line 20? Regardless, I like it.
Fantastic, I join Cloudless in her comment on the playful complexity of this poem. For some reason it reminds me of the prose of Fernando Pessoa. There is a peculiar building up effect this poem creates, breaking up a seemingly parallel narrative in different places (the line breaks), insisting on the repetition of the word "there" (very well done indeed) and finishing off picture after picture with only the most essential of strokes. There is something almost macabre at the end of the poem, not at all sentimental or melodramatic (though evoking an another that is, there, missing). Something very physical from line 15 onward:
"harsh light jutting outward
disarming my body
blinding my eyes"
Interesting choise of word break-ups toward the end and the punctuation, becoming ever more unpredictable as the character of the poem herself is denied everything but her hats.
I love hats! and hats on cats (as in, Tomcats) as well :-)
Wonderful poem, here I will give it the 10 that it deserves so it can kick my own poem off the recent best ... I am weary of stagnation and top rated.
yeah, did it ... no longer number one
OKcomputer, I should have known
This morning, I feel like Pablo Honey
L 18-22 are the best, the ending's so bittersweet
Structure's tight, really nice and easy to read
No pauses, straight through.
thank you everyone. lovelove.
I love it. favorited.
i would just end the poem in line thirteen.
Typo line twenty. This is a rarity which leaves me wanting to make no critical analysis. There are problems all through it, minor ones, but the sentiment, the language, the images, the tone; they're so lovely and innocent, and celebratory of life. Well done.
masturbate to my poetry.
This is an interesting, almost nonesensical poem, that evokes a feeling in me. I really think you handled the piece very well. I had to read it twice and found I liked it, only when I could stop trying to analyze the meaning, and enjoy the delicious words. What a treat!