Looked towards land,
with eyes focused on departing trains.
Carriage windows cast neat squares of light
over sand strewn rails.
Darkness loomed among discolored bulbs,
glittering near the waters edge,
while beneath their hats thousands wedged in waved
at a place they’d never see again.
Some hours before, mother left to buy ice cream.
Sand castles leaned, slipped beneath the wake.
Wind whipped up waves, raking shale
Gulls scavenged in the liners trail.
15 Dec 06
Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
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Toward is preferable to towards.
Dusk seeped? Seeped implies sinking into something, like leakage. Is that what you wish to convey, dusk leaking? Do you need a comma end of line 5 and 6?
Comma after hats in line 7. What does the mother buying ice cream have to do with this? Did she leave the children?
You could delete those ice cream rows and end with 11-12 without losing the effect, I believe.
You could also remove the period end of the title as it's a title, not a sentence.
Forgot to say I like the by-play of the travelers to the beach and the wind.
Isablle is a kind person. Start there, then rewrite.
the last stanza was extremely well-written. i found the first two hard to follow and a bit perplexing. it took away from the flow of the poem to me...
I have seen dusk seep into the bleached bones of a wearying day like a sepia tint spreading an indigo glow onto a watercolour landscape. There are two totally unconnected strands to this poem. The migrants leaving for a new life most of whom will never return and they are taking a big leap into a risky unknown future and the child abandoned on the beach for a few hours by a wayward risk taking mother who went about her pleasures in the town taking the gamble that other parents would keep her child from harm till if and when she returned. It was triggered by a photo of a steam ship passing behind a crowded sea side beach where one child only who seems to be on his own is staring into the camera while all the rest are busy building sandcastles.I do hate to write in too literal a manner and like my poems to be able to be interpreted in many different ways.
Thanks for the crit Isabelle
really glad your back and i see now that i fill have to go into rewrite mode.
Larry setting fire to scribbled scraps Lark
You found them difficult to read. Just imagine how difficult it was for me to write. I hope my "explanation" to Isabelle is of use to you. Thanks for taking the time and trouble to read
Larry brain knots Lark
on reflectiom maybe loomed is a better word.
larry face puddle Lark