|Longing for July
the bones of the year.
It's embers glow around
in the heart of a fading fire.
I'd be a liar if I said
I didn't long for
bright early July
when I fly through daylight
straight into sunlit
middle of the night morning.
20 Dec 06
Rated 9.5 (8.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (2): 7, 8, 9
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Concise. I like it. It seems a bit sloppier than your usual work, though, a bit off the cuff. Perhaps I'm just taking that from nothing, but, well, there it is then.
The first two lines are the best; I was slightly let down by the rest, but I really like those two. The rhyme and the image are great. Well done.
I think you could lose the apostrophe in l3.
In l5, "dying fire" doesn't roll off the tongue that well for me... perhaps there's other word choices? Coals? That kline just seems a little clumsy.
I think perhaps a comma could be helpful at the end of l8. It'd flow smoothly.
And perhaps l10 could use an article; "the sunlit/ middle". Just a thought.
Anyway, I like, I like. Well done.
Inspiration and good work for me come when i have an abundance of time to let my mind drift without restraint and i have been in the fortunate position to do just that for most of each week since i retired though i have continued with a minimum amount of comsultancy work. just to help keep the wolf from the door. Time that is freed up that i can spend with myself is more precious than having money. However the staff at my sons school really needed some help as the team leader for their behaviour support group went off long term sick and they couldn't get a replacement so i decided to step in and it has absolutely knackered me for the past 6 weeks, and i havn't really written anything i've been happy with during that time though it is a delight to be working with kids again near Christmas. Anyhow, enough of that,I have to go out in a moment to buy my son a Fender Stratocaster for his xmas present. As always you have given an excellent crit which i will now digest. Have a wonderful Christmas and i will no doubt be communicating with you again soon.
Larry work till your muscle bound all day long Lark
I really enjoyed this poem.
Lines 4 and 5 reminded me of winter
as lines lines 9 and 10 reminded me of summer.
Though i like Winter well enough i always start to long for more light around the time of the solstice.
Thanks for the comment
I like this very much - the sounds and careful word choices are what make it succeed for me - the echoes of embers in December and then the expansive 'ls' and airs of the summer provide a superb contrast - excellent poem.
i agree with all who liked this.
your words are great.
I'd tell you which ones in particular, but it doesn't matter.
nice visuals with bones and flying.
I often long for July in the winter, but I most often settle for May.
I think the poet exchanged words that sound cool when right near eachother for coherency. Not bad overall, but very sloppy. 7/10
I do so enjoy nepotic praise.
Larry blood partner Lark
Larry harmonious lark
you are right. May is the most stunning moth on the occasional days when we see the sun here
Larry singing in the rain Lark
It's a little gem Larry
and this one, 'Happiness Is A Bum Face' shows how versatile a writer you can be