|snow day poem
what i'm doing these days it isnt pretty
it's strange and ugly like fucking
wood off the trees
and bleeding from my gents into the snow
it isn't pretty and
it never comes around to being
pretty it's so strange
and i'm sad
i'm sad that i'm too old
to remember my childhood
so sad i never went sledding
that i can't quit smoking
21 Dec 06
Rated 7 (7.3) by 1 users.
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certainly has potential. I like the first stanza more than the 2nd, but the second isnt far off, punctuation may help. I really like it.
Best just to carry on being an old bastard and hope something turns up one day.
Larry old bastard lark
'Sad' seems to take away from the poem a bit. It seems out of place, almost. I'd substitute it with something like 'bitter.'
On a side note, I enjoyed your line breaks.
don't be sad
i love snow
i enjoy day
i like your poem
a lament...but not tottaly interesting. filled with regret and anger even too...work on it, add a chase scene, a romantic liaison, a montage and twist in the plot, and you'd have an amazing piece...but then the poem would be too long and I wouldn't want to read it. Not bad writing. 8/10
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