poetry critical

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snow day poem
OKcomputer

what i'm doing these days it isnt pretty
 1
it's strange and ugly like fucking
 2
wood off the trees
 3
and bleeding from my gents into the snow
 4
it isn't pretty and
 5
it never comes around to being
 6
pretty it's so strange
 7
and i'm sad
 8
 
 
i'm sad that i'm too old
 9
to remember my childhood
 10
so sad i never went sledding
 11
that i can't quit smoking
 12

21 Dec 06

Rated 7 (7.3) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7
Inactive (2): 7, 8

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(88 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

certainly has potential.  I like the first stanza more than the 2nd, but the second isnt far off, punctuation may help.  I really like it.
 — OwlGirl

Best just to carry on being an old bastard and hope something turns up one day.

Larry old bastard lark
 — larrylark

'Sad' seems to take away from the poem a bit. It seems out of place, almost. I'd substitute it with something like 'bitter.'

On a side note, I enjoyed your line breaks.
 — stateofmind

don't be sad
i love snow
i enjoy day
i like your poem
 — chuckles

a lament...but not tottaly interesting. filled with regret and anger even too...work on it, add a chase scene, a romantic liaison, a montage and twist in the plot, and you'd have an amazing piece...but then the poem would be too long and I wouldn't want to read it. Not bad writing. 8/10
 — Henry

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