god has a swing set
a zillion feet tall
that flings little boys
through miles of virgin blue
over popcorn clouds
into speckled black night
which they drape
at the neck
like a daredevil cloak,
on ice-slick stars
in kid-happy patterns
boy wonders, sailing
past math questions
and broccoli, and time-out
into wide black nothing
where the goblins in the closet
and the mean, mean people
with gnarled, old fingers
can't nab 'em
pinballing from pluto,
they wave bye-bye!
and tumble down giggling
in a terrible whoosh!
into their lungs
heads ballooned out
with delectable fright, ha!
but here comes the devil
from the crude-oil kitchen
wiping ham-covered hands
on a stringy red rag
squealing, "time for bed!"
and, "brush your teeth!"
and the boys on the swing
25 Dec 06
Rated 5.5 (8.2) by 4 users.
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Give me the whole of your lexicon and maybe i'll be able to write a fine poem...
well done !
Aurelius, what inspires you to write?
This poem is good; weird in the way that it's so much like what I would say except I don't use the candy floss like you do. I might learn a thing or two from you.
Boys, math equations, planets, pluto, brush teeth...did you catch the similarities when you read mine? Interesting.
L5: not enjoying the feel of "high-arcing". It wouldn't be missed.
L7: "which they" has a sobering affect when I'd like to remain dreaming or drunk. How about just saying "draped around knobby shoulders"?
I'm not the punctuation police but I do believe a period at the very end is in need. Yes/No?
I love the humour, the great descriptions of parents, ham hands and the use of "squealing" in there, it's just perfect. Really enjoyed this.
you should write more than just poetry. And if you do, you should just write more...you have something many lack. I can't put my finger on it, but geez, I hope I get it.
i really can't understand why this poem hasn't been more widely read....
come on the public, the audience, readers !
What a ride! I held my breath in the first stanza ... 'in happy kid patterns' ... may need a few more well placed commas ... the wording is simple which is what is brilliant about this peice!
I am going to find that swing set ...
pretty nice. the title & opening lines are pretty interesting & hook me in.
however, the whole first stanza being only one sentence is a little much to take in all at once. maybe cut that down, or make it into multiple sentences.
thanks for the read,
I agree. periods.
Hey nice poem - at first when i read the title i imagined - Gods SWING set - that he and his band were pumping out some fat double bass and blowing some old trumpets - heavenly! Everyone was twisting and throwing each other over their shoulders swinging out in heaven - for that reason i was a bit let down - then your swing picked me up again - nice and well written reminds me a bit of my "the kid we never knew".
wow, you posted this christmas day, 2 years ago? funny how time flies.
just reading this again, reminding myself how much i like it.
coming up to a year since i posted that last comment. you know how i was bothered by 'high-arcing' way back when, well i finally realize that it would read so much better if it was 'arcing high over popcorn clouds' buttery is cute, but over-zealous, and the sonics are fucking sweet with popcorn clouds alone.
until next year...;)
You're right, as always. Made some other adjustments, too.