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god has a swing set
a zillion feet tall
that flings little boys
through miles of virgin blue
over popcorn clouds
and beyond
into speckled black night
which they drape
at the neck
like a daredevil cloak,
barefoot sliding
on ice-slick stars
in kid-happy patterns
boy wonders, sailing
past math questions
and quizzes
and broccoli, and time-out
into wide black nothing
where the goblins in the closet
and the mean, mean people
with gnarled, old fingers
can't nab 'em
pinballing from pluto,
they wave bye-bye!
and tumble down giggling
in a terrible whoosh!
tummies punched
into their lungs
heads ballooned out
with delectable fright, ha!
but here comes the devil
from the crude-oil kitchen
wiping ham-covered hands
on a stringy red rag
squealing, "time for bed!"
and, "brush your teeth!"
and the boys on the swing
fall down

25 Dec 06

Rated 5.5 (8.2) by 4 users.
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Inactive (9): 1, 1, 6, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Give me the whole of your lexicon and maybe i'll be able to write a fine poem...
well done !
 — greenmantle

Aurelius, what inspires you to write?
This poem is good; weird in the way that it's so much like what I would say except I don't use the candy floss like you do.  I might learn a thing or two from you.
Boys, math equations, planets, pluto, brush teeth...did you catch the similarities when you read mine?  Interesting.

L5: not enjoying the feel of "high-arcing".  It wouldn't be missed.
L7: "which they" has a sobering affect when I'd like to remain dreaming or drunk.  How about just saying "draped around knobby shoulders"?
I'm not the punctuation police but I do believe a period at the very end is in need.  Yes/No?

I love the humour, the great descriptions of parents, ham hands and the use of "squealing" in there, it's just perfect.  Really enjoyed this.
 — jenakajoffer

you should write more than just poetry. And if you do, you should just write more...you have something many lack. I can't put my finger on it, but geez, I hope I get it.
 — Trish77

Breathtakingly brilliant

 — larrylark

i really can't understand why this poem hasn't been more widely read....

come on the public, the audience, readers !
 — greenmantle

What a ride! I held my breath in the first stanza ... 'in happy kid patterns' ... may need a few more well placed commas ... the wording is simple which is what is brilliant about this peice!

I am going to find that swing set ...
 — AlchemiA

pretty nice. the title & opening lines are pretty interesting & hook me in.

however, the whole first stanza being only one sentence is a little much to take in all at once. maybe cut that down, or make it into multiple sentences.

thanks for the read,
 — steveroggenb

so true.
 — unknown

I agree. periods.
 — Doulos

Hey nice poem - at first when i read the title i imagined - Gods SWING set - that he and his band were pumping out some fat double bass and blowing some old trumpets - heavenly! Everyone  was twisting and throwing each other over their shoulders swinging out in heaven - for that reason i was a bit let down - then your swing picked me up again - nice and well written reminds me a bit of my "the kid we never knew".
 — philoanon

wow, you posted this christmas day, 2 years ago?  funny how time flies.

just reading this again, reminding myself how much i like it.
 — jenakajoffer

coming up to a year since i posted that last comment.  you know how i was bothered by 'high-arcing' way back when, well i finally realize that it would read so much better if it was 'arcing high over popcorn clouds'  buttery is cute, but over-zealous, and the sonics are fucking sweet with popcorn clouds alone.

until next year...;)
 — jenakajoffer

You're right, as always.  Made some other adjustments, too.
 — aurelius