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swing
aurelius

god has a swing set
 1
a zillion feet tall
 2
that flings little boys
 3
big-grinning
 4
 
 
through miles of virgin blue
 5
over popcorn clouds
 6
and beyond
 7
 
 
into speckled black night
 8
 
 
which they drape
 9
at the neck
 10
like a daredevil cloak,
 11
barefoot sliding
 12
on ice-slick stars
 13
in kid-happy patterns
 14
 
 
boy wonders, sailing
 15
past math questions
 16
and quizzes
 17
and broccoli, and time-out
 18
into wide black nothing
 19
 
 
where the goblins in the closet
 20
and the mean, mean people
 21
with gnarled, old fingers
 22
can't nab 'em
 23
 
 
pinballing from pluto,
 24
they wave bye-bye!
 25
and tumble down giggling
 26
in a terrible whoosh!
 27
tummies punched
 28
into their lungs
 29
heads ballooned out
 30
with delectable fright, ha!
 31
 
 
but here comes the devil
 32
from the crude-oil kitchen
 33
wiping ham-covered hands
 34
on a stringy red rag
 35
squealing, "time for bed!"
 36
and, "brush your teeth!"
 37
and the boys on the swing
 38
fall down
 39

25 Dec 06

Rated 5.5 (8.2) by 4 users.
Active (4): 10
Inactive (9): 1, 1, 6, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Give me the whole of your lexicon and maybe i'll be able to write a fine poem...
well done !
 — greenmantle

Aurelius, what inspires you to write?
This poem is good; weird in the way that it's so much like what I would say except I don't use the candy floss like you do.  I might learn a thing or two from you.
Boys, math equations, planets, pluto, brush teeth...did you catch the similarities when you read mine?  Interesting.

L5: not enjoying the feel of "high-arcing".  It wouldn't be missed.
L7: "which they" has a sobering affect when I'd like to remain dreaming or drunk.  How about just saying "draped around knobby shoulders"?
I'm not the punctuation police but I do believe a period at the very end is in need.  Yes/No?

I love the humour, the great descriptions of parents, ham hands and the use of "squealing" in there, it's just perfect.  Really enjoyed this.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

you should write more than just poetry. And if you do, you should just write more...you have something many lack. I can't put my finger on it, but geez, I hope I get it.
 — Trish77

Breathtakingly brilliant

Larry
 — larrylark

i really can't understand why this poem hasn't been more widely read....

come on the public, the audience, readers !
 — greenmantle

What a ride! I held my breath in the first stanza ... 'in happy kid patterns' ... may need a few more well placed commas ... the wording is simple which is what is brilliant about this peice!

I am going to find that swing set ...
 — AlchemiA

pretty nice. the title & opening lines are pretty interesting & hook me in.

however, the whole first stanza being only one sentence is a little much to take in all at once. maybe cut that down, or make it into multiple sentences.

thanks for the read,
steve
 — steveroggenb

so true.
 — unknown

I agree. periods.
 — Doulos

Hey nice poem - at first when i read the title i imagined - Gods SWING set - that he and his band were pumping out some fat double bass and blowing some old trumpets - heavenly! Everyone  was twisting and throwing each other over their shoulders swinging out in heaven - for that reason i was a bit let down - then your swing picked me up again - nice and well written reminds me a bit of my "the kid we never knew".
 — philoanon

wow, you posted this christmas day, 2 years ago?  funny how time flies.

just reading this again, reminding myself how much i like it.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

coming up to a year since i posted that last comment.  you know how i was bothered by 'high-arcing' way back when, well i finally realize that it would read so much better if it was 'arcing high over popcorn clouds'  buttery is cute, but over-zealous, and the sonics are fucking sweet with popcorn clouds alone.

until next year...;)
 — jenakajoffer

You're right, as always.  Made some other adjustments, too.
 — aurelius

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