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Bible Bowlerama
netskyIam

He built this mega-alley, Earth.
 1
He made men for bowling pins.
 2
He gave Satan big black balls
 3
leather grins, winning streaks.
 4

12 Feb 07

Rated 6 (6) by 1 users.
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(181 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

presumptuous/boring
 — unknown

thanks
((it's a didactic; didactics are pretentious by design))
 — netskyIam

in that case, good job!
 — unknown

Sorry...this really is boring NetSky. Faliure. It wasn't even a good analogy. 6/10
 — Henry

Hi.  Why is it boring you, Henry?  
Is the metaphor stale, the humor rank,
or is the religion aspect annoying, or all of these things?
Thanks for your help.
 — netskyIam

What makes me wonder:  How a verse of four short lines can even have time to "bore"?
If the metaphor is fresh *and it is, so far as I know*, what's failed?
Hmmm.  Crits with reasonings applied are ever so much more helpful.
Henry is religious. I am antireligious.  We've had "debates" on religion on the message board.   I wonder if he's objective here.  I know I am objective in evaluating these crits.
I want to do good work---but a "boring failure" reaction without supporting logic is of no practical value to the poet, is it?
 — netskyIam

He built this bowling alley, Earth.  
He made men for bowling pins.  
He gave Satan a big black ball,  
time to spare and a perfect game
 — unknown

Hey, thanks for the illustration of your preferences.  I like these thoughts--and will mull over this poem.  Illustrations like yours are most welcome!
r.
 — netskyIam

Netters imo this poem hasn't reached its potential. There seems to be any number of ideas you could play with to beef it up. I don't like the repetition of 'He'. I know that the creator is an arsehole but i'm not interested in a blame game.


He built this bowling alley, us
as earthen pins, resolute before
the fall.
He gave Satan a big black ball,  
time to spare and a perfect game
 — unknown

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