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Fantasies On The Circle
musicwords

Oh! To find that storybook love!
 1
Our eyes meet and,
 2
in my mind,
 3
we are away hand in hand,
 4
and in love,
 5
made to wander aimlessly
 6
through enchanted forests,
 7
fighting off evil with a bat
 8
of our eyelids.
 9
 
 
Fairies would come at night
 10
and wreak havoc with our days.
 11
We would spend endless hours
 12
being deliriously confused
 13
and gently sad,
 14
before we find one another again,
 15
in a scene from your childhood dreams,
 16
or mine.
 17
 
 
When you are gone,
 18
the horses and my protection with you,
 19
you will write longhand letters
 20
in sloping pens,
 21
reciting the greatest poets,
 22
lamenting the loss of me,
 23
describing love in one hundred ways
 24
I've never heard before.
 25
 
 
We will be reunited,
 26
once four seasons have made your eyes
 27
a shade darker,
 28
and mine a shade sadder,
 29
but the banquet will give us fire
 30
and we'll dance and laugh our way
 31
to a happy ending.
 32
 
 
But alas,
 33
all this is not to be,
 34
because Liverpool Street is your stop
 35
and Farringdon is mine.
 36
 
 
You get off, and I look through the window,
 37
wishing for the courage to wink.
 38

18 Feb 07

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (5): 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9

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Comments:

nice fantasy ;-)

l19: sp 'find'
 — unknown

Clever poem, you have an extra d in L19
 — unknown

What in the name of Dan Rather were you eating when you wrote this? 6/10
 — Henry

Henry, you comments are almost always completely useless. Do you have absolutely NO knowledge of poetry?

What were you eating when you decided to join this site?

This has nothing to do with my poem, it's a general observation.

To the unknowns above, thank you!

x
 — musicwords

Well, I think Henry asked a perfectly good question.
A question too personal to answer?  9/10?
 — unknown

I'd cut L8 in half after bat and make the rest L9 for some comedic value :) but I'm a loon like that.
L14.. I'm not sure I like cheer.  Perhaps a more old-tyme-y word?
L15-16 are fabulous.
L29-30 as well, really.
L43: perhaps try "wishing for the courage to wink?"

This is great fun.  Fun yet sad yet real yet..... sorry, I was reading again (for the fourth time).  Love how it comes back to reality so abruptly - good choice.  Very nice, Music.  Perhaps take a swing by some of my newer poems? Crap, I admit - could use a little Music and melody, perhaps.. ;)  
 — WordsAndMe

I applaud you most for your retort to Henry.  You said what so many here surely want to say a thousand times over, but we're too polite and respectful - not sure of what.

As for the poem, I liked it, but not as much as your others.  The random poem today was yours and got me interested in reading other stuff you'd done.  Very interesting style and voice you have.  This poem reminded me somewhat of the one titled something like Mistaken Identity - which I just read a few minutes ago.  So I knew where it was going, and the fairy tale thing was not as interesting to me as the imagined life the speaker had with the boy who killed seven students and a teacher.  Nevertheless, working under the set pieces you have here, you executed this very well.

Look forward to reading more of your work.  Keep posting.
 — neverman

nice work.

15-22 could do with some edits, the language is muddled up and slightly confusing.

the usage of 'love' in s1: was it undermine the concept? even if so, it's unsettling.

also:

bat eyelid
flutter lash

no?
 — varun

* was it 'to' undermine...
 — varun

Perhaps look at consolidation of L4 & L7 - 'away hand in hand'. This may tighten up your beginning without sacrificing internal rhyme.
I think varun is on to something. This could be made tighter and smoother with some edits.
For example, L28 'lamenting the loss of me' feels a little off. 'lamenting the distance between'?? Maybe lose L27 so that the focus remains tighter.

S3 & 4 could be reviewed for a little tightening, but this is well on the way.
 — Nerva

This is nice work.
the poem is enthralling. i like the title, the beginning and the abrupt reality that hits you in the end. i enjoyed this poem coz personally i have been through many many such day-dreaming incidents but never thought of putting it down to paper. i regret that. and if i do it now... i wud be thrown out for plagiarism. :-)
hope u dont mind if i add this to my favorites.
in any case i will :-)
 — trochee

and jus to settle Henry's curiosity.. the 9/10- is me.
 — trochee

well well
 — unknown

I really like this,
my fav was 23-30, but I enjoyed the whole poem.
Thanks,
Jen
 — jenakajoffer

you changed some stuff around i think, since the last i read this.
reads well.
should be 'found' in line 20.

consider 'and Farrington is mind' instead?
also, i think the omission of 'you get off' might lend a little more punch to the closing lines.

nice poem.
thanks.
 — varun

grrr...

'mine'.
 — varun

Varun, thank you so much for returning to this and apologies I never spotted you had. I've been away. Your revision suggestions are insightful- I shall keep you posted.

Yours,

x

-- Oh and Trochee, thank you for your support. Kind words much appreciated and certainly not unnoticed.
 — musicwords

I actually really enjoyed this poem.  I think it captures a moment quite well and I can identify with it because I am also a very imaginative person.
 — leason

Thanks leason, I'm really glad you enjoying it and could identify with it. I'll be sure to check out your stuff soon.

x
 — musicwords

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