poetry critical

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Paradise Destroyed

Defences down
easily breached,
ruptured, corrupted,
rights to determine diminished,
relinquished to you who charmed
us into plucking the fruit.
Like Lucifer we stood mute in a false light,
the dim glow of hollow dawn.
Stripped, laid low, driven into guilt,
we blamed each other
while you, self raised,
put torch up to the flame,
knowing no one and caring less,
rampaging in our name.
If we could sit in heaven or hell
with the false Gods we have deified,
we would hear your empty lies
ringing like a bell
as we are consumed in fire,
destroyed, no more,
our ghosts long since stolen away.
I used to dream that I could stop this,
but my prayers were never blessed
Now I see mocking temptations
that drive me along with the rest.

9 Mar 07

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large subject.

snake charmers and temptations abound. nice internal rhyme.

defenses ( or de fences...which could work i suppose )

thank you
 — ilenelush

Ambitious, I'll give you credit for that. I have some recommendations though::

change some of the past tense into present tense, leaving alone line1-4, 'relinquished', line 7-9, 'raised' and line22-23. there's also a tad too many 'ing' words here.

erase 'a' on line 7
replace 'into' with 'to'
replace 'up to the' with 'to' on line12
erase 'could' on line15
erase 'have' on line16
erase 'in fire' (more open to more horrid things like fire or daemons, or whatever
erase 'no more' on line 20 and move 'destroyed' to the last line
erase 'away' on line 21
start a new stanza on line 22
add a period on line 23

Hope this helps somehow. Use the changes if they appeal to you.  
 — Virgil

nice. almost feels like prose (a critical political statement rather than poetry) but that isn't a bad thing. i just mean, something you read once and get automatically, which might be a flaw of mine for not bothering to reread. so, i did.

and liked it just the same. the poem seems finished to me: you get your sharp point across.
 — listen

Thanks ilenelush

thanks for your kind comments which i shall snake charm my way through

Larry hissing Syd Lark
 — larrylark

THanks Virgil

for taking the time and trouble. I will consider your recommendations.

 — larrylark

Thanks Listen

 — larrylark