|it was going to be something about bees but its not.
when that right formal fellow, removed--i mean
the guy in the tie who seems so
mean, i won't imagine that he
is sometimes naked and frowns; that sometimes
he is crying sad tears;
sniffs his own socks sometimes;
enjoys a touch where you wouldn't think
a person removed, the one at the front
of the room
is still a person moving its hips
alone at night in bed, it's a right sad man.
it's a right sad man.
aside: oh, i love you today. i also have made
those sad faces referenced before. i love you:
oh, it was winter before. i misplaced you then.
i kissed you yesterday. ooh love:
how it paces between the milk-flakes
like spring does, waiting, wanting to come back.
i want you now, how it paces.
you are naked somewhere else
today you are. settled, still
i exist only with you. today i am
a person removed.
13 Mar 07
Rated 9 (7.5) by 1 users.
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a reminder: i need to add more to the last stanza.
I really love the shifting point of view in this poem; it makes it more than a portrait. It also reveals a lot about the narrative voice, but there is such ambiguity in that voice (I love you today, I misplaced you) that it doesn't feel like the *poet* interefering with the poem. Reading makes me feel like I've got a portrait of *two* people. Tasty part: ooh love/how it paces between the milk-flakes/like spring does." Good work.
I love this to bits. I love the title too.
This has the feel of a song, something with a jaunty Queen-like feel every now and then, with the oh's and the ooh's and the repetition of 'right sad man', but with the deeper theme underneath. The repetition of 'removed' - I love it, quirky and revealing.
Yes, the aside works brilliantly and as mikkirat says, there are 2 pictures being painted here, both the richer for the juxtaposition. How you can be 'removed' in different ways. Yes, this really does it for me.
Silly to the nth degree.
i am a very important person, and i am going to change the world. so i don't think itss silly<3
i think its grand.
"i am a very important person, and i am going to change the world. so i don't think itss silly<3
i think its grand."
Silly to the nth degree.
What you do well in this is to give us the little details: "sniffs his own socks," "enjoys a touch where you wouldn't think," "naked and frowns." Lines 11-13 are giving me some trouble, though. Why did you use "it's" when "he" or "he's" seems more appropriate?
Lines 18-19 are nice. The whole stanza is filled with loss and yearning, but in a quiet tone, which I like. The problem I'm having is that I want to know more about why this person is no "somewhere else." It's not crucial, but I'd like to know.