poetry critical

online poetry workshop



these thoughts against the pulse, like music
vrai

she was eleven years old, new to the snow.
 1
you were ten and thought you remembered ten winters.
 2
the morning after, you rolled ice into a sphere and
 3
thought twice about launching it into the grey sky
 4
to pound unforgivingly into the ground
 5
at her dirty-sneakered feet, but did anyway, and
 6
laughed to see her tongue between her lips, her feet
 7
stamping the grass, greener for the frosted night.
 8
 
 
she was thirteen years old, made mute by music;
 9
you watched her part her lips and close them again
 10
near another girl's ear, watched her pretend to dance,
 11
to raise her hands above her head when the others did,
 12
then drop them down again. you curled your fingers
 13
around the waist of someone else and
 14
saw her, over your partner's collarbone,
 15
kiss the air to feel what it might be like.
 16
 
 
she was seventeen years old and tipsy
 17
on stolen sips of wine, on a couch, her eyes half-closed
 18
and her fingertips dancing in her lap,
 19
her lips parted as you touched her shoulder to whisper:
 20
"take advantage of me." and you, sixteen,
 21
kissed her neck and her jawbone and her mouth.
 22
the morning after, you watched her wake, on the couch,
 23
smelling of rotting roses and love's misinterpretation.
 24
 
 
she was nineteen years old, really dancing,
 25
sober enough to smile at you standing alone by the fridge,
 26
drunk enough to swallow your saliva with a
 27
gulp of something sweet and bitter and alcoholic.
 28
she picked up her skirt, spun it around
 29
and followed. you thought of sex and fast cars
 30
and longed for her dancing hand on yours and
 31
a road and snow falling though the roof.
 32
 
 
the two of you are twenty or twenty-one;
 33
you've forgotten her age and with every passing minute
 34
she is growing more like a tree, fierce at nighttime
 35
and friendly in the summer, noisy like music
 36
when the wind or you brush her branches in just the right way.
 37
you, the taller, with your ear pressed against her chest,
 38
watch her belly while she watches the ceiling,
 39
composing a memory song to the pulse of her heart.
 40

22 Nov 03

Rated 10 (8.2) by 6 users.
Active (6): 5, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (165): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 3, 3, 3, 4, 4, 4, 5, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(6 more poems by this author)

(113 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Ahhh. What a great write!! Man I love substance...and this did it for me. I like it. Send more!!
 — tinkerman

beautiful
 — nakedone

amazing. simply amazing.
 — BlueNymph

Didn't you ever post this before? It is so strongly stunning in all its rhythm and rhyme. There's no really driving conflict, but it still ties up nicely, nimbly tugging me along with it. Damn, this is stunning.
-zep
 — zepplin42

this is beautiful.
 — wendz

Wonderfully written... bravo
 — CrimsonStorm

every time i think i can write pretty well someone like you comes along and bursts my bubble.

great job. just watch the double 'thought' in the first strophe.
 — noodleman

delicious.
 — psychedelico

agreed with all above.
great.
 — bowie

you were ten and believed you remembered ten winters?

you were ten and sure you remembered ten winters?

i am a pain in the ass.
 — noodleman

Subjectively speaking, I'm sure I would like this better without the "years old".

In line 21, I don't believe "take advantage of me" from this 17 year-old,
something that implies, but not that.

There is too much excellence for me to single out lines as favorites.  
I think this is really fantastic and deserves a long, long reign at number one.
 — housepoppy

this is incredible
 — hearmyheart

very, very nice poem
 — hank

here kaleidazcope.
 — noodleman

it was sitting right at the top of the top-rated list all along wasn't it?
i refuse to be embarassed. i have favourited this so i can read it when i get time.

kaleidazcope
 — unknown

wonderful, I applaud you
 — Lilac

i'm speachless. that is amazing.
 — unknown

amazing!  I love the imagery!!
 — SojT

i love this

i love love love this/
 — tragicbubble

this is absolutely wonderful. a beautiful journey through ages, through lust and love.

"you thought of sex and fast cars and longed for her dancing hand in yours" so truthful of the eighteen years young man.
 — aesthetic

this was really good but i felt like you kind of ruined it with the last stanza.  very cool from 1 - 32 though...
 — chrisgubbrud

Warm...  makes me think of ignorant innocence along with flooding feelings of nostalgia.
Wonderfully written.  LOVE IT!!  

COCO
 — unknown

incredible. that's all i can say about that.
 — CajunMoon

*!*!*!*!*!CRAP this is AMAZING!*!*!*!*!
 — themolly

You really inspired some intense jealousy with this one.  It is otherwise unthinkable that this work would still be at the number one spot.
 — housepoppy

Oops.  Of course I meant it is unthinkable that this is NOT at the top spot.
 — housepoppy

wow.  this is amazing.  there is so much great imagery here.  i love how the same things are repeated to much...their ages, her parted lips, tipsy/drunk, dancing, collarbone/shoulder/jawbone, etc...

holy crap and i LOVE:

she is growing more like a tree, fierce at nighttime  35
and friendly in the summer, noisy like music  36
when the wind or you brush her branches in just the right way.

ah!!! pure genius!!!!!!  also:

composing a memory song to the pulse of her heart.

fuck, you're good.  this is going in my favorites!!
 — woman_power

Please, please, give up your day job!
 — winter

Not too bad.  Better than most, but not different.
 — midare

wow. brilliant.
 — sabz3003

Amazing..........really love it!
 — SaleenDriva

Some poets have a talent for inciting emotion. You have a gift.
 — ohmnivent

nice :)
 — unknown

forget glamour,

you've defined that burning sensation.


thanks.

<3
 — __suigeneris

Easily the worse thing iv ever read
 — unknown

I was insanely jealous.  I give you a big fat 10
 — MFine

Should say' I am'   ;)
 — MFine

.....speechless.......this was beautiful and touched a chord inside........
 — clotho

You have no capital letters in thois piece . Why ? Is this a symbol of humility?I love the phrase " made mute by music". I appreciate the tone .It struck a chord in me .Very nice
 — lodza

top notch.
 — mouthblock

I can not say that I was over impressed with this exercise,
A couple of obvious mistakes (unforgivingly and sneakered)
And your unrelated actions in line 4, 5 and 6 the word pound signifies a successions of blows you actions appear singular

Which shows to some extent the quality of the readership?

My main problem lies in the internal rhythms or more correctly the lack of internal rhythm

The constant jarring of vowel sounds and the corresponding consonants detracts greatly from the overall reading.

However the concept I good, and if presented as a first draft show merits, however I do not think it is worthy yet to be presented as finished piece of work.
I would suggest you get some one to read it out aloud to you, where in its more obvious faults should then become apparent to you.

I have not rated your poem merely commented on it, though I would possibly be interested in reading it again in a more refined state.

Arminius Prodicus.
 — unknown

this was beautiful. 9.
 — DiVeRiGhTiN

love it. i normally bypass longwinded poems but this one drew me in, theres just so much imagery. i salute you
 — charango

Honestly, I am unimpressed. This is par for the pseudo artwork that plagues this site. Otherwise, it's somewhat worthless and very drab.

I read this and thought why are you telling this, who cares? Then, I asked myself why are you reading this? Of course! It is the top rated poem.

Enjoy; I see a lot of other people liked it.
 — ramher

This is really great and one of my favs here. Great job
 — Ewan

Lot of unnecessary dross in here, good idea, though.
 — junky

don't like the title, but love the poem.
 — Lia

hmm yeah, the title doesn't quite capture it but the poem captures me :)
 — kitkat

she is growing more like a tree, fierce at nighttime
and friendly in the summer, noisy like music

wild writing!  enjoyed.
 — Kauf

I thought this poem was boring. Why not just write a novel?
 — unknown

I adore this.  Vivid and alive.  Thank you so much for sharing.
 — silverchyld

i am new here.. but what a poem.. i love the tone..
 — unknown

one can hear the growth, the 'crescendo'.. it is addictive.. one wants to read on .. powerful and captivating..
 — unknown

It's possible that this is my favourite favourite.  It's just so damn beautiful.
Kitkat
 — unknown

the title drew me in, wonderfully chosen, and an amazing introduction to the rest of the poem.  Wonderful job and I am grateful for ever breath of it!
maria
 — slancho

wow.  
 — electricvish

Lovely
 — Isabelle5

Indeed! Indeed!
 — schotsy

love thias poem
 — noodleman

This is an amazing piece of work.
Absolutly wonderful
 — LeaveItBe

Thank you for a lovely poem.
 — 5foot3

brillant. best poem I ever read. it describes everything about growing up with teenage love/lust/emotion. I  acn picture this all in my mind.
 — infinity

Its superb,
excellent written with
a little extra something
there that i cant seem to pick
but it was magnificent!!
keep writting!!
 — dolly4114

Just an awesome poem.  Nothing I could suggest to make it better.
 — Canuckster

Amazing.. Fucking Astounding;
Wonderful, Beautiful, Genuine, Artistically well-written.
Thank you so much (10)
 — Thenameless

cool I like this!
 — unknown

an amazing poem. the title is wonderful, gets you interested right away. nothing i would change. its hard to capture the passing of time like this in a poem, and you did it beautifully. Wow I wish I could write like this.
 — topop

a true version of adolescent love growing into substance. no secrets, no promises
 — coodaygraw

amazing.
 — misspanda

that last line is rather like sour milk.
 — VA

good

-noodlebutt
 — unknown

Malady of the Month Archives - Harlequin Fetus
 — unknown

Wow. This is great.
 — LoserXcore

sexy, sexy, sexy and it's all in the rhythm, rhythm rhythm of the snow, snow snow.  what a beautiful lyric!
 — starr

as good as it gets.  an amazing piece of writing. - k
 — pghpoet

pretty. like a flower dipped in powdered sugar. i'd like to read more - the mid-twenties ennui, the hardening of feeling around 32, the divorce at 39, the crumbling bitterness at 45. The awkward reunion at 48. The accidental death at 52. Sequel!
 — ollylama

LOVED this and wanted MORE...until the last stanza.
It's as though you tried toooooo hard.
The tree metaphor is hackneyed.

So much beauty sits here; it is a pity to have it conclude so poorly.

Please work on the ending.
If you don't, I'll be tempted to write my own.

RandiSusan
 — RandiSusan

Wow! Wonderful poem! I can only hope to be as an accomplished writer as you someday!
 — unknown

okay
 — unknown

This is the best writing I have seen on the website...beautiful.
 — peacetonight

Beautiful poem. I'm in love with lines 9 and 17-24.
 — lonelygirl

I like the imagery. It's really good.

Though the ending seems forced.
 — ena

L22 and L28 the second "and"'s- don't like 'em it. But that's probably just me
But its so beautiful! *tears to the eye*
 — ProzacNation

oh this is pretty :)
 — FrayedSkirt

oh me oh my. what a wonderous poem. to think that such acomplishments may be achieved by a young man such as me
 — tearsofblood

still ADORE this.

EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE TO READ THIS.  IT OUGHT TO BE REQUIRED IN SCHOOLS.
 — themolly

Wow. I agree that this piece is rather amazing, but for some reason I think it's amazing because it fails to be extraordinary. This is not at all an attempt to demean your poem in any way, I just feel that the experiences in this aren't beyond anyone who reads the poem. I think what I am trying to say is that this poem is very real and tangible to me. Keep up the good work.
 — Poor_Poet

totally wonderful. reminds me of frank sinatra's song, 'it was a very good year', which i love.
 — crow

Horray! My first favorite.  

well done and god speed.  If this poem took you anything less than a month to perfect, i'll be seeing you in ink shortly.
 — yeesher

"the morning after, you watched her wake, on the couch,  
smelling of rotting roses and love's misinterpretation."

Your mind is amazing to come up with something like this. 10, fersure.
 — Ariel

eh... I guess this is... overall b-e-a-utiful.
along with every other word of appreciation that has been stolen before my arrival.
g'day
 — Brando_O

as much as i hate to add my comment to what seems like five thousand others, i thought it was a great poem.  strangely evocative of many life phases.  i agreed with someone else that ages didn't have to be dilineated in every paragraph.  
 — stint

precious.

wonderful title.
very eye catching.
 — colormetink

WOW...this is real deep...
 — unknown

this is a full glass of wine - that does not empty - by the time you have had your fill. Great! Top rated for good reason!
 — philoanon

Wonderful.
 — gingerdave

Vrai, you are my hero now.

I've read all your poetry, and I'm still not sure how to comment on most of it. I hope that someday I will be able to write a piece as absolutely flawless as this. 10 and favourite, I can say no more.

[Teo]
 — teo_omega11

perfect. just like all the others. god you're good at this.
 — Bobbi

Borrring
 — unknown

I first read this months ago. And now that I read it again, it's still fresh. Amazing. 10
 — coldromantic

I can't forget this. I am in love with it.

x
 — musicwords

this is amazing!
 — Bloved

beatifully written

10
 — sodapop

nice poem
 — unknown

so pretty im shy to say anything to it.
(she is one of my favorites.)
 — gnormal

Still beautiful.
 — 5foot3

Papa Neruda would like this. Except for "love's misinterpretation".
 — comcapco

I like the deep and surfacing substance as I read the poem.  nice ride as life unfolds. I kind of  gave a some suggestions on how this poem can pop out more. You might not like what i did, but sometimes less is more. Please don't think i want to change your poem just giving you another way to approach it. When i read this poem it reminds me of seasons, and the emotions that go with it. So I kept that in mind when making these suggestions.

Now, twenty or twenty-one
forgotten her age
with every passing minute
she is growing
like a tree
fierce at night
and friendly at dawn
laughs like music
when the wind blows
Suddenly
you two are alone
brushing her branches
with your ear pressed
against her chest
watch her inhale
as she watches
the starlet ceiling
composing a memory
A song to the pulse
of her heart
 — manishas

i love love love this poem.
 — dannny

Wonderfully written yes ill give it that but i dont like it. sure u can do better
 — crazykiller

this has to be the most rated poem on the site.
 — unknown

wow...
 — Brando_O

Vrai, i love all of your poems, you have talent.
 — Thea

Does anyone know Vrai? I very much want to contact him.

x
 — musicwords

no matter how many times I read this, my belly still drops and hy heart still sinks. I love this, to this day.... thank you.
 — starwars

this is bloody gorgeous and brilliant....wow...humbled...
 — berrykid

i love all your poems. wonderful, it left me wanting...something. so delicious.
 — Thea

Stunning.
 — Thea

omg i love it. definitely adding it to my favorites!
 — puddles

excellent
 — jonasnovella

has anybody heard from vrai lately?
 — Food4DSoul

You are a total douche bag you should never wite another poem.. 10/10
 — CanastaMasta

holy fucking shit.

if you were still around, i might make some comments. as it is, i'm just going to bask in the moment.
 — jade

i still can't get over how much i love this poem!
 — puddles

wow
 — tragicbubble

Love It, Love It, Love It!!
 — Nostalgia

I have recently commented on the top 50 poems of the top rated poems of PC and have been really disappointed generally. Only a handful of the 50 are good, I found one that was great, this one is in a different league. It brought tears to my eyes, it is moving, heartfelt, lovely in its simplicity, a truly remarkable poem that deserves a top rating, it deserves a 10. This poet has not submitted a poem for two years here; two years ago there were many poets at PC such as this one. This poem should be an example of what the newer poets here should strive for; this poem sums up for me what we have lost at PC. If the top rated poems were all of this quality, then Poetry Critical would certainly be the envy of the poetry world.
 — unknown

87 users consider this poem a favourite.
that says something about this poem.
especially because many of the writers who made this a favourite, are super writers.
everyone on this site, new, should read this.
read this poem.
 — unknown

very fine poetry
 — poetbill

wonderful
 — aurelius

superbly wow!
: )
 — fractalcore

this is better than your top rated one....grr

you've captured the bittersweet reality of the lessons we all have to learn- a special poem (not that you need anymore praise!!!)
 — mr_e

you, beautiful person... you take my breath away. i love this with all (most) of my heart.
 — brokenarrows

Revisiting after a long time.  This is still my favorite PC poem ever.
To the person who had the nerve to try and cut this down into a minimalist form, shame, shame.  While that exercise is desperately needed for a lot of overwritten poems here, for this one it is not at all apt.  And you changed 'summer' to 'dawn'?!  That line takes a surprising and yet, believable turn.  You tried to make it trite.
Vrai, we miss you.
 — aurelius

i am the 99th to favourite. cool. who wants to get it to 100?
 — DeformedLion

you've sculpted time in recognized patterns that dance like hands and kiss the air with parted lips and tongues that laugh -- a sweet poem and a wondrous sculpture - wow
 — AlchemiA

I've lost "love's misinterpretation" many times but am 100th to best it
 — AlchemiA

This is really amazing. Wow. Perfect 10 how it is.
 — laura352

yes, this poem encapsulates the times in a whirl'd-view that dares to see this creative-destruction, this sentimental-reality
 — AlchemiA

this is an awesome poem.  very intimate and true...grounded in its details but lyrically free and imaginative.  Two tiny parts that I think steal some of your music:  "unforgivingly" and "swallow your saliva".  Thanks for sharing this.
 — okalready

a very nostalgic read for me; i love it! Reminds me of my first love
 — neimade

    As I come out of the trance and back to reality... I would like to go back and take another shot at it... very well written as a story right? I loved it
 — gblade

    Thou mammering ill-breeding, hugger-mugger, harpy hedge-pig, nut-hook, rump- fed swag-bellied, villainous, dread-bolted idiot who would play with the rates you who are motley-minded...
 — gblade

This was freaking awesome. :)
 — psychofemale

Transcendent.
 — DeformedLion

Still my favorite poem I've ever read.

x
 — musicwords

first time reading and ... incredible. :)))))
 — mandolyn

i am so happy for you Mandee
 — DeformedLion

you should be dlion-el richie

i also find it amusing that this poem got one 5. i bet they are pretty happy with themselves.
 — mandolyn

this is a good poem.
 — noodleman

Over and over again this poem thrills my heart. So good. I weep tonight.
 — DeformedLion

i want to be happy for you nelson.
 — mandolyn

Well hell !
 — yield

touching.
 — bfitzgerald

I read this story about your thirteen year old mute, and I felt so bad as a twelve year old destitute.  Can you please help me find my mother!?
 — percocet

Good job Dick.  You have done nothing.
Emily Dickenson.
 — percocet

sooo goooooooooood
 — DeformedLion

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