I love the story, a beautiful childhood reflection - I just wonder if it would benefit from streamlining to become a tighter image, fine if you're going for a 'prose' feel, but what is that adding?
I would get rid off lines 28 - 33. Nice enough story.
thank you both. I can agree about losing lines 28 through 33---for general purposes.
The essay was made for the RCgroups forum--which is why those lines were wanted, to lead to the wistful finish. The hobby today cost, heck, a lot more than three dollars and ninety five sense.
Here are those lines--I'll remove them from the item for the time being:
Perhaps the envelope split open in the mail
and nobody but some postal worker received benefits.
I lost interest too early in electric flights.
I think I'll give it another go soon.
Where do I send the next $3.95?
thank you both for ideas,
OK, the item is now greatly tightened and retouched for gentle ironies.
I hope it conveys the tragedy of childhood (good riddance) succinctly.
My dad never knew I'd sent loose change.
He naturally presumed I'd sent four dollar bills.
It really did require some months my end, to realize that the envelope must've spilled its payload. I did not dare tell my dad then, that his idiot son had sent loose change through the mail.
Ah, the secrets we keep... dark stuff! lol.
Here is a reading of the item, as it stands on 3/23/07:
nice. really good structure. helps the poem a lot.
You are a star. What a brilliant and evocative poem. Love your pics by the way. You are almost as handsome as my good self and I don't say that often
Larry struck dumb Lark
You are too kind to this troll, Larry. I've revised the poem since last March, just a bit.
Here's an imperfect, new reading (I forced the title too much, and rushed the parenthetical line, and elsewhere---this is why I record, for practice in getting diction correct, which, in turn, helps to show me how to best break lines and mark the item.
http://tinyurl.com/2mjw9q< br />
Thanks so much Larry and listen too.
links are still broken here.
copy and paste this one to the address bar, and be sure to close the space