poetry critical

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because someone asked me to write this.
midare

in six months
 1
i have only known you
 2
by reference,
 3
through the still-frame images
 4
of a silhouette in the distance
 5
of aquaintance.
 6
yet i see you now
 7
  
 8
in consonants
 9
and smeared smudges
 10
of sibilant motion;
 11
  
 12
in remembrances that have purpose,
 13
and belonging.
 14
  
 15
i have been missing pieces
 16
and through my own listless resonance
 17
begun to discover the effervescence
 18
  
 19
of a girl who
 20
(even in passing)
 21
could elicit a smile
 22
from others
 23
and make miracles
 24
small wonders.
 25

29 Mar 07

Rated 8 (8.7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (10): 1, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

title is pretty lol.
 — midare

nice poem, midare
[oh, this is a guess... and midare has already posted a comment... mmm...]

the closing two lines are a killer, man...
i might want to suggest getting rid of 'simply'... maybe i will, in the morning.
line 21 makes the mood so much better for the last strophe.

now, let's see if i'm right about who wrote this...
 — varun

woooooooooooot!

   :)
 — varun

I love the language in this piece; the word choice is spectacular. My favorite is "effervescence." However, some of the words and images were redundant in some stanzas. Stanza one: you say the subject is "imageless" through still-frame "images." I have trouble piecing those two together; maybe changing one of those to a different word? "...smeared smudges" in the second stanza also don't sit well with me. Other than that, the piece is great!
 — BrideInBlack

beautiful...just beautiful...
 — juggalette69

thanks you two. good eyes. i changed it around a bit.
 — midare

i like how each stanza is slightly incomplete, as it moves to the next one ...
 — listen

The first stanza definitely flows better now. Beautiful work, midare.
 — BrideInBlack

danke.
 — midare

very nice poem,
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

Hi you.
I like this.
Just waking up so I will come back later for another read.
Hope all is well with you.

S.
 — unknown

hi sam.
 — midare

Hi midare:)

No nits with this. Love the first and last strophes.

me
 — unknown

This is beautiful.
 — angrychick

thank you, everyone.

smile!
midare
 — midare

random 1's are cool.
 — midare

wow very nice. beautifully written. i agree with your previous comment, very lovely title.
 — lanezfairy

fluff mostly but not bad
for what it is
 — jumpoline

nice lkarst verse but the reat , work on it
 — sing

Such a beautiful lies!  Yeah, people are only amazing when you do not know them.  That’s why I'm a recluse and spend enough time on the internet to get brain tumors.

But I do agree that there are miraculous, and worthy people...but they don't sparkle forever.

I like your poem enough to rant to you!
Thank you.
 — Infrangible

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