poetry critical

online poetry workshop



tied together : the cosmos
chuckles

yesterday you and i
 1
were strings, strangers,
 2
gravities meandering
 3
outside of each other
 4
through the universe learning, being
 5
shaped by experience;
 6
you and i both being
 7
prepared
 8
for what is, what
 9
will be.
 10
 
 
today we are almost
 11
wise. the stars of this night
 12
die before our combining
 13
light;
 14
you and i fade
 15
as we become. all
 16
that transpires now are
 17
outcomes of us.
 18
 
 
tomorrow we shall be
 19
infinite. none will have
 20
any memory of
 21
you; i will not ever
 22
have been.
 23
tied together: the cosmos
 24
shall be taught of being
 25
us and we.
 26

30 Mar 07

Rated 9 (7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9, 10
Inactive (5): 1, 1, 8, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(45 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

chuckles wrote a love poem? tell me it ain't so. but i like for the most part.
not sure i'm liking 'none will have any memory of you'. might prefer 'they will not' instead, just to tie it to 'i will not...'.
i might also prefer a semi-colon after 'been' (l23), and a comma (or re-break and comma), after 'together' (l24) to give it dual meaning.
just personal nits. good good.
 — unknown

very beautiful.
 — varun

s3 is amazing.
since i believe, once known, life ends. yes?

consider 'will be' instead of 'now are' for line 17?
line18 then would have the addition of 'an outcome'?

nice poem.
 — varun

wondering why you broke up 'never' into 'not ever' in line 22...
 — varun

none- purposeful juxtaposition to infinite
are- both present tense and plural. quite important.
not ever- knot.tied.taut.strings. ever-always,unending, infinite.

hope this explains
thanks
 — unknown

poo!
 — chuckles

I question the use of 'being' in L5 & L7.
Really like this!
 — Nerva

  
thanks.
 — varun

This is really ambitious in scope and you pulled it off. I could.I could tine into ots infinite ambition.

Larry cosmos Lark
 — larrylark

beautiful love this!
 — bohemian

wowowia. this is niiiiiiiice.
i love the ending..
i find line 6 very powerful.. shaped by experience.. its soo deep.. it doesnt let me concentrate on the rest of the lines...
the lack of punctuation (as in lack of capitals) gives the poem its USP. mannnn i wanna read it again ... wowowia. this is niiiiiiiice.
i love the ending.......
....
 — trochee

i see you've been hit with the 1s. mmm.
 — varun

so lovely.  
when i read L's 19-23; my lungs gasp.
 — jenakajoffer

or collapse...
yeah, that's what i mean.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

I miss you,
I love your words.
 — unknown

0.342s