poetry critical

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the girl under the tree

she seemed like a decent human being:
under the pink blooming
trees it was beautiful
and i was disillusioned
to believe in her
more than most people, because of
spring and because of that moment
in which she passed
underneath the
pink blossoming
tree. it became
her and she wore
it for a moment
above her head and it
complemented her and
i fell in love, i think
with her idea, how
she was mystified by
that moment, and how.
and how she walked away
from the beautiful tree
as a superior thing,
unmoved. she was
better than it and i
compared her to it and
loved her better than the
image of the tree.
she was prettier, a
better thing born, and
i cannot kiss a tree.
however beautiful, it does not
compare. i cannot make
love to a tree, i cannot tongue it and grip it into me
as my own.
so i loved the girl instead,
who in my life was born underneath
the beautiful tree, in that moment
she was born,
prior to it she
did not exist.

12 Apr 07

Rated 5 (6.8) by 4 users.
Active (4): 1, 9
Inactive (4): 1, 1, 10, 10, 10, 10

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tongue is a perfect word
for line 33

i like your poem i like also
thebreaks which are ballsy because they
are un

and this isnt really a poem at all but what after all is a tongue?
 — jumpoline

just lines 1 and 2 would be a great poem all by them selves
 — jumpoline

Hi OKcomputer

If people read your insightful poem they would realise that you have to live with eyes wide open to the intensity of each moment. Your poem encapsulates the vivid intensity of each moment in time many of which slip by as we muse and meditate on what we have previously seen. Absolutely rock cool and deeply philisophical.

Larry one moment in time Lark  
 — larrylark

I like your line of reasoning.
 — banditfemme

wonderful :)
 — FrayedSkirt

love the story and the complimentary imagery, confusions and observations in this.
 — Mongrol

I really enjoy this piece; the rhythm, line breaks are genius. It has a high impact (very emotional). Nicely done. =)
 — missjayne08

You have caught this moment exquisitly and the poem carries a deeper meaning each time I read it.
 — PaulS