poetry critical

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be ware we bare
netskyIam

Regarding metal nippers
 1
beware the snarlment
 2
when you zip
 3
the leather too
 4
close your fundament.
 5

16 Apr 07


(define the words in this poem)
(181 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

I think your poem could be much funnier.  It lacks that 'WTF appeal' for me. Far too many pointers.  Far too long.

These biker boys
fuck off their slippers
to jam their cocks
in macho zippers
 — unknown

i like it up until pants. after that it's pretty much a shoe full of rain.
 — unknown

OK, I'll work on it. It's now much shorter yet.
 — netskyIam

The joke, I hope is the catch of an anus in the zipper, not the penis.
Whitman and "fundament" are closely linked--google for the old sense of the word.
I want it to be funny and misleading without actually being overt dirty talking, as the first commentor made his example.
 — netskyIam

revised 8/07
 — netskyIam

it should be totally sick now.
 — netskyIam

regarding metal nippers --
beware the ensnare,
when you
zip?
that the grip
don't rip
your fundamenter
critical.
 — joey

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