Please do not kill me mother
I had no choice when you and him engaged in the act together
You might perceive me as a little embryo that initially becomes your burden
To me you are the only vessel that I have to pass through to the world all of a sudden
Two cycles have been missed and your body continues to adjust as you routinely vomit
Yet my tiny soul weeps inside your womb as you contemplate on exterminating me for a sin I did not commit
Barely twenty weeks have passed and It is already my time to come home
The forceps clasping on to my protruding cone
My undeveloped hands wave frantically onto the umbilical cord
This lifeless body is throng out without me uttering a word
My soul diminished on this earth but my spirit moves on high above
The one that should of been my caretaker lives on without my love
I play by my Father's side with a sense of assurance for I know all is well
Will continue to help many of the living for he has made me his little Angel
17 Apr 07
Rated 6 (6) by 1 users.
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The sentiment is touching, the writing is not. This is so packed with things gone wrong, apart from the fact of no birth control.
I'll attend to this later.
Your mind is only as deep as you can swim...please
I don't understand your comment, Scartissue.
First of all, you might want to fix the spacing of words throughout the poem. You have some wide spaces that should be tightened.
Line 1, Mother should have caps, it's a proper name.
Line 2 - you and he, not you and him. (Think "he engaged," that helps to know if it's he or him.)
Line 3 - might be clearer if you just said, "perceive me as a burden," since we can see that you are an embryo, that might not be needed.
Line 4 - do you need "all of a sudden?" No baby comes all of a sudden, it takes 9 months to pass through to the world.
Line 6 - contemplate. You don't need 'on' with contemplate. I find the phrase "for a sin I did not commit" a bit too much, as though the mother is making all of this the baby's fault.
Are you proceeding in this? Two missed cycles does not account for 20 weeks, it would be 9-10 at most. Has time passed? That's a long time to contemplate an abortion without doing it.
I'm sorry but 'protruding cone' is just a horrid description. Do you mean crown, the crown of the fetus's head?
From there on, I'm lost. If this is 9-10 weeks, the hands are already formed. If it's 20 weeks, they have fingernails, they should not be undeveloped. They would not wave at the cord! They might grasp it but not because they know what is happening. The only reason women can go ahead with abortions is because the baby does not know what is happening. If they did, the mother might change their minds, as it's fact based on research at clinics that 80% of women who get to hear their baby's heartbeat will not abort.
Line 10- throng out? I believe you mean thrown out. No soul ever diminishes, we just go someplace in another dimension.
You end this very calmly but it just doesn't help make the previous lines better. It just seems a bit maudlin and contrived. Babies do not become angels, straw does not become gold, etc. The two things are never exchanged, no matter how much Hollywood would like us to think an angel can fall to become a human.
I think that if I didn't know so much about the female body and how it works, I might have been able to find this more compelling. I'm only finding it sad and over-blown, not authentic.
I hope that you will take the poetic comments I made as an attempt to help you write better and clearer. The content is obviously up to the poet. Good luck.
I enjoy your passion for critism.
Scartissue, I don't know you, I only know the poetry you posted here. If you are offended because I'm pointing things out that could be corrected to make the poem better, this is not the site for you. This is POETRY CRITICAL, a workshop where we help each other write better, not where we pat backs and say, "Good Job!" when a poem clearly is not a good job.
Since I have been the only reader/responder, I find it rather arrogant that you would respond back so negatively. I do not have a passion for Criticism (spell it right, at least, if you're accusing me) but I do have a passion for my language and how it's used.