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Deadly Decision
Scartissue

Please do not kill me mother
 1
I had no  choice  when you and him engaged in the act together
 2
 
 
You might  perceive me as  a little embryo  that   initially  becomes  your burden
 3
To me you are the only  vessel that I have to pass through to the world  all of a sudden
 4
 
 
Two cycles have been missed and your body continues to adjust as you routinely vomit
 5
Yet my  tiny soul weeps inside  your womb  as you  contemplate on exterminating me for a sin I did not commit
 6
 
 
Barely twenty weeks have passed and It is already my  time to come home
 7
The  forceps clasping on to my protruding cone
 8
 
 
My undeveloped hands wave frantically onto the umbilical cord
 9
This  lifeless body is throng out  without me uttering a word
 10
 
 
My soul diminished on this earth but my spirit  moves on high above
 11
The one that should of been my caretaker lives on  without my love
 12
 
 
I play  by my  Father's side with a sense of assurance  for I know all is well
 13
Will continue to  help many of the living  for  he has made me  his little Angel
 14

17 Apr 07

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Comments:

The sentiment is touching, the writing is not.  This is so packed with things gone wrong, apart from the fact of no birth control.

I'll attend to this later.  
 — Isabelle5

Your mind is only as deep as you can swim...please
 — Scartissue

I don't understand your comment, Scartissue.  

First of all, you might want to fix the spacing of words throughout the poem.  You have some wide spaces that should be tightened.  

Line 1, Mother should have caps, it's a proper name.
Line 2 - you and he, not you and him.  (Think "he engaged," that helps to know if it's he or him.)
Line 3 - might be clearer if you just said, "perceive me as a burden," since we can see that you are an embryo, that might not be needed.
Line 4 - do you need "all of a sudden?"  No baby comes all of a sudden, it takes 9 months to pass through to the world.  
Line 6 - contemplate.  You don't need 'on' with contemplate.  I find the phrase "for a sin I did not commit" a bit too much, as though the mother is making all of this the baby's fault.  

Are you proceeding in this?  Two missed cycles does not account for 20 weeks, it would be 9-10 at most.  Has time passed?  That's a long time to contemplate an abortion without doing it.

I'm sorry but 'protruding cone' is just a horrid description.  Do you mean crown, the crown of the fetus's head?  

From there on, I'm lost.  If this is 9-10 weeks, the hands are already formed.  If it's 20 weeks, they have fingernails, they should not be undeveloped.  They would not wave at the cord!  They might grasp it but not because they know what is happening.  The only reason women can go ahead with abortions is because the baby does not know what is happening.  If they did, the mother might change their minds, as it's fact based on research at clinics that 80% of women who get to hear their baby's heartbeat will not abort.

Line 10- throng out?  I believe you mean thrown out.  No soul ever diminishes, we just go someplace in another dimension.

You end this very calmly but it just doesn't help make the previous lines better.  It just seems a bit maudlin and contrived.  Babies do not become angels, straw does not become gold, etc.  The two things are never exchanged, no matter how much Hollywood would like us to think an angel can fall to become a human.

I think that if I didn't know so much about the female body and how it works, I might have been able to find this more compelling.  I'm only finding it sad and over-blown, not authentic.

I hope that you will take the poetic comments I made as an attempt to help you write better and clearer.  The content is obviously up to the poet.  Good luck.
 — Isabelle5

I enjoy your passion for critism.
 — Scartissue

Scartissue, I don't know you, I only know the poetry you posted here.  If you are offended because I'm pointing things out that could be corrected to make the poem better, this is not the site for you.  This is POETRY CRITICAL, a workshop where we help each other write better, not where we pat backs and say, "Good Job!" when a poem clearly is not a good job.

Since I have been the only reader/responder, I find it rather arrogant that you would respond back so negatively.  I do not have a passion for Criticism (spell it right, at least, if you're accusing me) but I do have a passion for my language and how it's used.

Good luck.  
 — Isabelle5

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