She doesn't have fat hands or feet.
Oh she has feet but they aren't fat
Dainty on tip toes
she's not--of course that bunion
hurts a lot. The finer woman
never seen. Her pedicurist
Silent screams--I hoped to help
in this store wherein I work
amidst the aisles of many
Of digits on the roam
"I'll take those and those and those
I'll take all those slippers home"
Her name is M.S. Cinderella.
And if she were to shave
her corns I'd love
her every morn
the shoes I horn
which cannot fit
and for commercial sins I'll scorn.
An unworthy Buster Brown
25 Apr 07
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I am reading this as a promising first draft. Some of the rhymes are clever, and I love the opening line. However, the rhythm isn't quite right in many places (e.g. L15-18). Also, I'm troubled by some of the one-word transition lines... for instance, I don't think L8-12 works quite as it should, and though I understand digits to mean toes, the line still doesn't quite make sense: "I hoped to help/though in the store wherein I work/amidst the aisles of many/waves/of digits on the roam". Maybe if you changed the "of" in L10 to "are"? The other sequence that doesn't make sense to me is L16-20. I don't understand the choice of the word "alike". All in all, though, an amusing redux of the Cinderella story!
Thanks. It's early for the poem and if it doesn't make screwball sense
as intended, I'll try a reading-aloud. The crazy enjambments are not really meant for reading-aloud. Digits are her pointing fingers. The narrator is a shoe salesman, spurned by her, and so he spurns her in return. I hope to make that much clear by the comic poem itself. Let's see...
I'm struggling with this, maybe make the writing less clever
L9. at this store wherein i work?