poetry critical

online poetry workshop



The good of healthy egotism
netskyIam

I'll engrain my personality;
 1
it's everything I'll do
 2
to make a ring of records
 3
that I once stood here like you.
 4
 
 
What we'll be when we are done
 5
need not go in the ground;
 6
our leaves may green forever
 7
or just rustle for a sound.
 8

30 Apr 07

Rated 7 (7) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (0): 7, 7

(define the words in this poem)
(181 more poems by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

strange. i cant figure out if the voice of this poem is 'the ego' ... or the poet. maybe line 4 adds to my confusion...
i liked reading it though... helped my grey cells to jog a lil.
also like line 7 n 8... 'forevermore' ... cool
 — trochee

It's a mortality poem promising virtual immortality by our making art of life,
fellow cave painter.

Here's the poem as it was when you read it.
I'll be revising.  Archival:


I'll inject my personality
1
into everything I'll do;
2
to make a mark of record
3
that I was here, like you.
4


What we'll leave when we are done
5
need not go in the ground;
6
a leaf may green forevermore
7
or rustle for a sound.

____________________________
thanks trochee,
r.

_______________________
 — netskyIam

I'm wondering if line 5 could be stronger as Not all we'll leave, rather than what we leave.  Leave something back when the rest gets planted.

A leaf to stay green might be more beneficial than "may green."  You are not making a strong enough point that a leaf is what you might leave.  And rustle?

Sorry, I'm changing everything!  I like the premise and the beat, just having a little concerns about the wording making the point.  
 — Isabelle5

Boy, you're quick!  You changed it before I even got to finish my comments!
 — Isabelle5

I must revise while I'm alive!
heh,  r.
 — netskyIam

Well, throw that tiny poem in there, too!  I must revise while I'm alive!  That's wonderful!  
 — Isabelle5

OK, Isabelle, for you:

We must revise while we're alive,
for if we don't, we're dead.
 — netskyIam

I meant up above, silly one.
 — Isabelle5

Silly 1'er said to 2,
"I'll start off and follow you."
 — netskyIam

must fix, oww:



Silly 1'er said to 2,
"I'll lead off and follow you."

________________________

you're poifect!
-Curley-
 — netskyIam

No you're not, you knucklehead!



Silly 1'er said to 2,
"I'll lead off to follow you."

____________
-Shemp-
 — netskyIam

Recent Best (expand)
    0.298s