poetry critical

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=Lawn Care=

Ten thousand green,
yellow dandelions
cower in their beds.
They cannot run
who cannot hide.
Die, dandies, die.
Hear the chops,
your brothers' heads!
Now you alone
remain in line.

8 May 07

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audio reading
 — netskyIam

Ha ha!! Very funny! Maybe try reading with a little more enthusiasm? :-)
 — unknown

What is with the lack of punc and random caps? it makes it hard to work out this line -- they cannot run/who cannot hide.
 — unknown

Thanks for getting the psychotic humor, critic #1.  Sleep well under unmarked covers.

And number two?  There is no rule in poetry to use this-or-that punctuation;
in general, the rule is to be consistent within a piece.
Sometimes no periods works best.   In which case I'll be sure to capitalize line-starts.

The line you cited is a cogent sentence, but it -is- in formal English form we'd rarely hear spoken today.  Expanded, the thing would be said (if people really talked this way, that is)
"They who run cannot hide" (see, and it's not as self-contradicting as it sounds, in a sense)
They who run...(they) who cannot hide.

Dandelions are -awfully- good sport for we serial killers.
Yep.  Whenenver I feel blue and sad, I go out into the fresh air and light
to look for lower orders of life, preferably vegetable, to hack to death.

But, next critic, if you feel like a rutabaga today, I'm good with that
and good to go.

heh heh heh.   Run!  
 — netskyIam

I thought the audio made it work,
why not invert L4&5

They cannot hide
who cannot sway

It's a political poem if need be, a variation on
' i have seen the future, and it is a jackboot in the face'

methinks netters is nuttier than a....
or he drinks too much dandelion wine
hic... cheers
 — unknown

I've never heard of such a thing.
 — unknown

I'm filled with fear, I've never heard of such a thing.
 — unknown

Oh, no!  I watched a video a long time ago that had flowers hooked to EKG machines.  Someone took scissors and beheaded some of them and the EKG machine went crazy!  It was definitely as if the flower knew what had happened and responded.

I like the idea of this.  I think that it could be even stronger if you wrote it from the dandelions view, watching the machine come closer, maybe even stopping mid-sentence.
 — Isabelle5